I’ve (21F) sort of been paralysed on how to go about this.
I am part of a group of friends, all 20-21 years old. Most of us have been friends since high school (so for 4-7 years but some are more recent additions), and we’ve really grown closer since then. This group can sort of be divided into a group of guys and a group of girls. We are all part of the same group chat, and I really care about all of them.
In high school, I was bullied by a guy who was friends with the other guys (mainly 4-5 years ago). I don’t want to go into specifics but I get filled with dread whenever I remember it, or he is brought up in conversation. A few months ago, I brought this up in the group chat, and most of the guys didn’t really interact with the conversation. I felt better after that, because I had never really talked about it before.
Today, one of the guys (who I have known for about 4 years) was talking about ethics (philosophy stuff) and in the middle of it, mentioned that the guys are still really close with the guy who bullied me, and said that I should not bring it up again. He implied that the guy that bullied me is going through a crisis of some sort.
This shocked me, and I did some reflecting, and I don’t think I want to be friends with people who are friends with a guy that bullied me. I feel like saying this to the guys would really mess with their mental health. I’ve always said that I’d stick with them and I’d be there for them and I really do care about them. I’d discuss it with the girls but a lot of them are really busy right now and I don’t want to disturb them. I don’t know if I am being unreasonable because people in the friend group have broken up (after dating) and still remained friends.
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TL;DR: I learnt that my close friends are still friends with a guy who bullied me. Should I end this friendship? If so, how?
3 comments
I think you should first stop talking about it over chats, where you can’t see people’s facial expressions and body language and know what they are really thinking and how they are reacting. If you had brought the subject up to to the group in person, it would have been more obvious to you that the men are still friends with your former bully and will side with him in any division of the group.
Then yeah, back away from this group a bit. Chat less online, and get together in person once a month for fun. Start getting more involved in your other adult social groups. Double down on your training for your sports club. Spend more time with people who share your hobby. Sign up for more hours at your local volunteer center. Get involved in your regional political activism group. Start new friendships and expand your network.
And over the next ten years, remember that some people do change as they mature, and some don’t. The high school bully sometimes grows up and regrets being a rotten person, and starts to do some good things. Sometimes not. The only way to (safely) find out is to back off a bit and give it time. Regardless, the bully and the men in your group are sticking together, so don’t think you can trust any of them until they prove they have changed.
Cut them off. No one worth your time stays buddy-buddy with your tormentor. They made their choice, you make yours.
> I feel like saying this to the guys would really mess with their mental health.
And what about your mental health? Why are you more concerned about these guys than yourself? Honestly, fuck these guys.
The irony that they are talking about ethics whilst exhibiting none. They were friends with this guy when he was a bully and they are still friends with him. There has been no apology for past behaviour as far as I can tell. Did they know what the bully was doing? I’m guessing so.
I think you need to pay more attention to your own needs than some arsehole ‘friends’ who just want to sweep past behaviour under the carpet without a reckoning being had.