I haven’t dated much, and before this those I have dated have always been friends or friends of friends. I took a chance on a dating app and met and started dating this guy about 2 months ago. On our first date we talked about basic information as well as what we were looking for, confirming each others ages and that we were both dating with the goal of marriage. We hit it off and have been dating since.
I haven’t been to his house yet, which everyone in my life tells me is somewhat of a red flag. I mentioned it, and he agreed it would happened soon. Admittedly I haven’t really pushed. I have access to certain databases through work and agreed to allow my coworker to look him up to make sure he didn’t have a crazy record or something, however, with the date of birth and last name, no one came up. I left the search alone but began to do my own research, remembering a time he mentioned his father’s name in connection to something in our field (his father and I share a field of work) and initially I thought it odd they had different last names, but not that odd.
I tried searching for him using his fathers last name and came up with a Facebook profile that was clearly his, which also revealed his age to be not 34 as he told me and his profile stated, but 40. So he not only lied about his name, but his age as well. I am lost as to what to do here. I don’t know if I can move past the lies. I don’t know if it is worth bringing up to him to discuss, because what excuse could he possibly have? Although it’s early, we have talked about working towards the possibility of a future together. Was he just going to lie forever? What should I do here? How do I approach this situation?
26 comments
😬 I dunno what he’s hiding – it could be bad, or it could just be insecurity. Either way, it’s a problem, especially if he’s being weird about you going to his place. I personally wouldn’t touch that with a barge pole.
You need to move away from the lies, not past them.
Call him a liar, accept no excuses, block him everywhere.
This boy thought you wouldn’t find out.
Run. Catching big lies like these so early is a huge red flag.
If he’ll lie about basic stuff like his age and name, he’ll lie about anything.
Yah, so what’s he hiding? No thanks.
What your next move should be is never seeing him again. If he lied about basic info, he’s lying about everything.
Let him cum inside you
Those flags are not the start of a parade – they are bright shiny red. Lying about your name and age are suspicious. I would run.
If he’s lying about small stuff, he’s probably gonna lie about big stuff too. I’d bounce if I were you.
> I have access to certain databases through work and agreed to allow my coworker to look him up
This seems… concerning?
Methods matter? Looking at public record, searching for what’s readily available online and accessible to anybody with an internet connection is one thing. You went through a co-worker to do this, maybe to keep legal/professional implications at arms length but the way you’ve worded this suggests you’re (through coworker) accessing things you shouldn’t be. While personal caution can be argued, the moment we make it okay for everyone to start accessing others’ private and restricted data for *personal concern* too many other points come up.
That said, if you discovered something obviously wrong then bail on this one.
*How do I approach this situation?*
Find his wife and tell her that you have been sleeping with her husband and he has been lying to you.
HUGE RED FLAGS! He may even be married if he is lying about this stuff.
Ditch this guy. Ghost him and block him.
Move past the lies. That should be enough to you but personally, the need I be able to search him on your database is a bit weird too. I don’t need to explain all the wrongs that come from wanting to do that as well as actually doing that but yeah.
He lied about his name and his age. I think your best bet is to walk away. You’ve only known him for two months and even though things are going well otherwise, it would be foolish to continue on. Consider this, you tell all your friends you’re going to your bf’s house on Saturday night. You go missing and all your friends tell the police you’re dating 34 year old Sam Smith when in reality you’re dating 40 years old Joe Johnson. There’s no reason to lie about your name unless you are hiding something. Something is fishy, don’t risk it.
He started out by lying to you, seems pretty safe to assume he will continue this theme and is therefore untrustworthy. I’d cease dating him.
Never see him again. How can you build a relationship where one person is not being honest.
He’s lying for a reason. Don’t wait around and waste your time finding out. It’s not going to be good.
Sounds like a creep you should get away from ASAP
Easy and short answer: This won’t get better. While I’d say his lies/misinformations on a dating app aren’t that bad per se (can think of some valid reasons here), he didn’t come Clean in any kind of way. Rather he continues keeping you outside of what you might consider his true life/identity. So he’s not out looking to marry. He just wants to get in your panta, all connections thus far are just tools he uses to get there.
I’ve now dated a couple girls that lied about more minor things than you describe here and I am glad to not be dating them anymore. There is always something unhealthy if not downright manipulative about it.
Don’t you want to be with someone that would be up front about these things? Why continue once they demonstrate they can’t tell the truth about such basic things right off the bat?
Always crazy when people lie about basic info that will eventually come back to bite them.
Run 🏃🏻♀️
Do not be with him with all those lies, who knows his history with women, or his finances, or arrest record, ok, I will stop.
So he’s 40, gave you a fake name, and won’t tell you where he lives?
He has a wife.
I’m not sure it’s really worthwhile to offer advice. It’s dangerously close to sounding like you’re considering staying with someone who is lying about their identity. A person considering that can’t really be reached.
The name thing alone doesn’t really bother me—sometimes people use different last names on FB for privacy purposes (without the intention of lying), or in different areas of their life (ex. their mother’s maiden name in their neighborhood but father’s name for work). But age? Nope. Honestly you have to ask him about it. What’s with the discrepancy?
My guess is he lied on his dating profile to remain in the target age group for women he wants to date. For example, if the women he wants to date prefer men 35 and under then choosing an age of 34 keeps you safely in that age group.
Lying about your age by a year (e.g., 36 vs. 35) is probably not so bad, but 6 years (40 vs. 34) is quite a stretch. You have to decide if you are comfortable with this lie and his actual age and have a discussion about this with him.