I (21M) don’t feel loved in my relationship, I’m always the one that offers to cuddle, initiate sex, ask how she (20F) feels, gives attention, … I also do everything, I make the food, I do 90% of the chores, I pay most of the bills and do my best to make her happy but I rarely feel like she is. I work at home (on my own schedule), in 1 day, while I’m working, I could be doing the food, often twice because she doesn’t like the things I eat, the laundry, cleaning up and checking on her every 30 mins to give her a kiss and see if she’s hungry or needs something while she’s in bed but I never get any of that in return. I try to communicate but I’m the one always doing the talking so it basically brings to nothing. I often have to ask 3-4 times for her to do something and half the time she looks pissed doing it.
Is this normal? What should I do? Been together for almost 3 years, I love her but it’s heavy on me.
TLDR: I do everything and get nothing in return, heavy on me, don’t know what to do.
7 comments
This doesn’t sound normal, is she working too? Has she always been this way?
No, this doesn’t sound normal at all. Relationships should be 50-50. Especially after 3 years. My advice for you is to sit down and have this talk with her face to face, because if you don’t and let this slide, next thing you know,you are married to her, have kids and everything (which is great) and find yourself doing 90% of the things around the house.
Everything you list makes this sound like a terrible relationship. What does she offer on the “good” side of the ledger that have made you willing to tolerate all of the bad things? If she’s not overall adding value to your life, then end things.
Is she willing to see a couples therapist with you? They are generally safe spaces where you can talk about what you need to feel safe/loved in your relationship. The therapist will help both of you see what the other is experiencing.
It would appear that you fell into the trap of the more you do for her the more she will reward you. Stop that. If she loves you she will love you and still be able to take care of herself. A relationship needs to be a partnership. Start doing the things that please you. I know it sounds counter productive, but trust me. Google “No more mister nice guy”. It’s not like it sounds, but rather a breakdown on the complexities of relationships.
Dump her. You’re a boyfriend, not a butler. You’re being used, dude!
Weird angle but what did her home life look like growing up? Because she’s either not happy with you in a relationship or was not encouraged to be warm and loving in her childhood. I’ve met people who haven’t started to unravel behaviors like this as a root of childhood neglect. But I would set some boundaries and require some work to be put in for change. You shouldn’t be almost fathering/parenting her, and getting nothing in return. Like help around the house, intimacy and connection, or a peck here and there. I also recommend getting a therapist to do sessions because you need a middle man to help delegate behaviors/tasks in the beginning as a guide. Other than that value yourself and understand not everyone is your forever and you’ve tried your best!
Also when did this behavior start?