How do I fix this? I (33f) have been in a serious relationship for 15 years with my partner (34m). We are at the point of breaking up and it’s my fault. I crossed a boundary of his and I’m really not sorry. Besides my partner and the kids we have made, I have no friends. My partner told me before he doesn’t want me talking with anyone (any other male)which I’ve done in the past and now recently. I love chatting up with old friends on messenger. Nothing sexual, nothing flirty. A real how are you doing?, checking out art or music they have been working on, and just talk about how life has been and how it is going. I don’t chat often. It doesn’t take time away from us. I’m kind of sick of feeling so isolated that I’m willing to throw it all away just to have some friends. I think my partner is set on breaking up with me over it. I think it’s kind of crazy considering that I’ve never cheated on him, but I’m kind of over it at the same time. I feel like I almost don’t care.
8 comments
This doesn’t sound healthy to me, your partner sounds like he has some massive insecurities that he is willing to throw away everything over, i think you should pursue your friendships irrespective of what your partner thinks but i think you should also sit down with him and explain that you refuse to let his insecurities isolate you.
At first you sounded nervous, but towards the end you almost sound relieved? To make this clear, he wants to break up with you because you’re speaking with another male regardless of the context of the conversation? Do you also have the same expectations of him, that he cannot speak with people of the opposite gender?
> How do I fix this?
It really sounds like you don’t want to and that this isolation has driven you to the brink. SO maybe just keep talking to people and if your partner walks, well he walks.
I do suspect though that he is bluffing and is doing this as just another means of control. And yes, he is certainly controlling and isolating a spouse is one avenue of domestic abuse.
Edit: And given your family history it is not surprising that you have found yourself in the middle of an abusive relationship. FOO (family of Origin) stuff like you experienced sadly is a good indicator of someone who will end up in one themselves. But suffice to say that what you experience with your husband is not normal.
5 months ago I broke up with my partner because he didn’t let me chat with other males nor hang out with friends. He would get VERY angry at me.
That was the hardest yet best decision I’ve ever made. I know it’s difficult, it was for me too, we were together for 5 years and I thought he’d be the one. But now I’m happier than ever, I feel free, and everyone around me tells me that.
Don’t stay with someone that doesn’t trust you, that treats you like that.
Trust me it’s better to be single 😊
Good luck!
Congrats on finally realizing that you’re in an abusive relationship.
I don’t think you can fix what was broken at the start — his boundaries aren’t boundaries. They’re manipulative control tactics that are there to isolate you.
You should free yourself and live your life the way you want to live it — friends and all.
You have been his prisoner for fifteen years. Read up on the Stockholm Syndrome
Honey … I don’t know much about you, barred from what I’ve seen on Reddit. But I’m going to tell you something. And this is from my own personal experience. My life was pretty much textbook from when I was a child, to when I hit my 30s. Knowledge is power I tell you.
I too had a very abusive parent. This set the wheels in motion for a few decades where I encountered so many more abusive people.
Because I had been abused as a kid, I had blinders on. Didn’t know I was being abused by more people, felt like I deserved it anyway because of low self esteem, till I equipped myself with some good counselling and an ability to spot the signs of abuse.
Now, you can Google any “am I in an abusive relationship” questionnaire. But do be true to yourself and answer all the questions honestly. For me, I just see a giant red flag in your post and I highly suspect there has been a lot more going on here throughout the years. Just know that it’s not okay! It’s not acceptable. You deserve to be happy, trusted, empowered and to have your own friends. I’m glad to hear you’re thinking of leaving. No man should be allowed to have this much control over a woman. It’s not okay. If (When) you leave, please do so safely. Let your friends and family know.