Title describes my issue, and this is something I’ve wanted to vent for a very long time.As someone who’s been anti-social/friendless for quite a majority of my lifetime, I’ve only recently gotten into the momentum of opening myself up more and more since high school, which don’t get my wrong, I’m tremendously happy for my development over the years. I was able to start talking about myself, my hobbies/passions (I love music, art and maths), BUT, I am also a very keen listener to other people, I always asked questions to keep the conversation going and on top of that, I do react to what they say (e.g. laugh, surprised, shocked, concerned for them, happy for them, etc..) to show I am genuinely interested in what they have to say. Although I overdo it a little bit sometimes, I believe I am perfectly fine with how I’m coming off to everyone in my classes.
However, I do feel like something is very off, when this same respect isn’t shown back towards me, not that I demand or require it, but sometimes it gets very exhausting when the people I talk to / try to be friends with try to make the conversation 100% about themselves (I don’t expect much, I would be happy with even 90%). For example, whenever I try to talk about myself, the other person always changes the topic to be about themselves, and I just follow along with the flow, laugh it off, and conversation continues. I never double down on talking about what I want, if the topic changes then it changes, I’m like a surfer who wants to keep up with the waves. I guess I feel fine during the moment, but oftentimes when I get back home I just feel very tired and despondent, and in some way neglected / being seen as lesser than my peers. As a result, I began to consider isolating myself, since I obviously need time to recharge, and I’ve just been carrying on by myself, doing the work and eating my food and then going back home. But this isn’t always so easy since that I’ve made myself social enough for other people to initiate conversations for me, which again, is completely about themselves and not me. Maybe I get a simple acknowledgement if I say something that is provoking enough of their thought but that’s it. I’m back to showing manners to the people I am in a conversation with because I believe these values are important to me. Group projects – this has been literal hell for me. The amount of people I’ve made frustrated for having my own ideas/interpretations for certain tasks, sometimes the idea is genuinely better for that task, it makes me feel really guilty about myself. I see myself as a person who wants to bring other people happiness, and I will do whatever I can, immediately, to fix myself if I’ve done something but that, because I just cannot feel good about myself if I’ve done something to hurt someone.
So I just accepted that this was life for me. I am a ghost who thinks I’m human. I’ve accepted my fate that I am simply my own caregiver and I will never have a deep relationship with anyone. But even through this acceptance I sometimes genuinely can’t stop myself from feeling genuinely shit. I have very few friends, and my relationships with them feel extremely artificial. I feel like I cannot hit them up with a message if I need them / want to talk out my mental issues because honestly (I’ve tried), they just ghost me and act like nothing’s happened and if they do give me a response, they just tell me I’m overreacting / quit complaining about everything and that’s it (and they talk to me significantly less because I come across as “sensitive”, I’ve seen it happen). Every word that comes out of their mouth feels so calculated to divert complete attention towards them, I can literally feel the aura.
Through many years of failed socializing, which I’m not entirely sure is my fault or not, I’ve noticed that the intensity of my feelings of loneliness is directly proportional to how social I am during a particular period. When I talk less to others, I am focusing more on myself, and as a result, I unironically feel mentally healthier and cared for. I’ve realized this and for the past few months, have been living my school life being radio silent, only saying words that are necessary, and my friends just stop talking to me and move on as if I’m good riddance. It’s led to me becoming more apathetic during even real conversations and unfortunately I don’t see myself snapping out of it. I know that I shouldn’t feel lonely when I am actively talking to people, but for some reason I do. I don’t even know what to do next, I just hope that I’m still alive in my adulthood to mind my own business and do things in my life that make me happy. I just hope things will get better, but optimism is genuinely hard these days.
3 comments
This was a long post and I usually dont have time to read the long posts, but usually the longer ones are the ones that people need a reply. I think I’ve felt similar to how you’re feeling at some point in my life. First, there is nothing wrong with you and who you are. That’s the first thing you should know. Secondly, I personally think you’re giving society too much credit. This sounds very negative and I dont want it to be as negative as it sounds so I’ll try to explain. There is very little education about how to socialize with others. Just like everyone has things they’re good at naturally and things they’re bad at naturally and sometimes we pick up habits that shape our personalities. I think you’re either naturally a great listener and/or you gain that from family experiences. Your friends may not be as well developed as you in this area. That’s what I mean by giving them too much credit. Maybe they just suck at socializing and conversation 😂. Some people are educated by family or friends, but there’s no formal education on it. There’s school but I guess some people don’t actually learn these things throughout their life. You’re so good at listening, you expect the same. It’s almost like any other activity. If you’re playing basketball with a person because it’s fun, then it’s great. If you’re looking for more value from that basketball game, and that person sucks, find another person who’s better at the game.
It sounds very much like you’re an introvert and your “social battery” is very limited. It seems like you gain energy from being alone and I’m the same way, but I also have close friends who I can depend on, that are kinda similar to me. I think you just need to value quality over quantity. It’s going to take time, but you need to know the strengths of your current friends and meet them in the middle. They must have some qualities or traits you like and if they don’t, you should probably stop talking with them. Its give and take. You’re not going to agree with everything and like everything about that person. However, if theyre just taking, taking and taking, you need to leave, leave, leave. You have to put your health before others. Even before you leave, if you want to give them the chance of staying friends, voice your concerns with them. Tell them how you feel and give them the chance to respond positively. Some of them may be oblivious to their behavior and some will be offended, but they could come around later and apologize. Just focus on knowing yourself more, being more aware of who you are, your intrapersonal relationship and coming to terms with it. Afterwards, shape your life the way you want and how many friends, or qualify friends you have, should coincide with how often you want to interact with others.
> However, I do feel like something is very off, when this same respect isn’t shown back towards me, not that I demand or require it, but sometimes it gets very exhausting when the people I talk to / try to be friends with try to make the conversation 100% about themselves
So let me get this straight…you purposefully act “respectful” to them. Which requires you to provide a one-sided avenue of them getting to talk about themselves and receive value from your validation…but you’re upset when the dynamic **you** chose isnt reciprocated?
This is textbook “Nice Guy” behavior. Its called “giving to get”. In reality you arent giving respect because you genuinely are a respectful person. You’re giving a false show of respect in order to get something out of it for yourself. And further, you’re getting angry when this agreement isn’t upheld on their end…when *they don’t even know nor have they agreed to this agreement*.
People absolutely love to talk about themselves. What if you gave the gift of validation and attention because you liked spreading good vibes and making others feel good, and were totally content with receiving whatever gifts (including no gift) from them…because what you enjoy about being social isn’t getting something for yourself…but because you enjoyed spreading good vibes?
i never post but i wanted to let u know that i feel like i ghost wrote this. i feel the exact same way. didn’t know there were others