I’m sorry if I wrote too much or if I fucked up with English, it’s not my first language and I really wrote it very fast and there are probably too many mistakes
Yesterday we were watching a video of a Puerto Rican singer (Residente) called This Is Not America, and the video is full of references to different things that happened in Latin America. And my (26F) husband (32M) knew absolutely NOTHING about all those things and when I told him that he should know them since he is always saying that he is Latino, he got mad.
He said that he is Latino because his maternal grandmother was Colombian, and I told him that that doesn’t make him Latino because his mother was born in the United States and so was he (plus his dad is Canadian) and they don’t speak Spanish or know anything about the culture, they don’t eat the typical food either, so for me they are not Latinos. They grew up with the privileges of an American person and they will never know what real Latinos suffer everyday.
My country went through several dictatorships, and the last one was supported by the United States (operation condor) and he, as a supposed Latino, didn’t even know that, and when I pointed that out to him, he got even angrier and told me that I have no right to tell him who is Latino and who is not because I’m white, and because my country it is a country of whites that received a lot of nazis after the Second World War. Which is a half-truth, my country did receive many Nazis, not gonna lie, but we also receive a lot of Jews, in fact we are the seventh country that received the most Jews after the war.
I asked him about the operation paperclip (that operation was a secret United States intelligence program in which a lot of nazis scientists, engineers, and technicians were taken from former nazi Germany to the United States for government employment after the end of World War II) and he didn’t know anything about it because he said they never taught it to him in school. So I told him that then he should stop repeating what a lot of people from his country say about mine because they don’t know anything. Everyone says “oh yeah, that country is full of grandchildren of nazis” and they don’t even know how to put said country on a map, so I hate when people say that, because it feels like they’re trying to erase the history of our ancestors.
For example my great-grandmother was born in the north of my country but she was a descendant of indigenous. She and my grandmother worked in the cotton fields for years until they were able to move to the country’s capital. And although I did not meet them or return to that province, I will always defend their history.
I’m white because my dad is white, but I grew up with the Latin culture and I don’t know anything about his white ancestors, and I hate that someone from America who considers himself Latino because he knows how to say abuelita and eats tacos from time to time tells me that I’m not Latina because I’m white.
And when I told my husband all that he got offended and said I’m overreacting, that no one is trying to erase anything, that he’s just telling facts about my country, it’s like he didn’t even listen to everything I told him and I’m so pissed off because we have children (2M, 1F) and I don’t want them to grow up being two fucking ignorants like my husband and his family, I’ve tolerated their shit for years but now I’m tired of it.
Yes, I love him with my whole life but he is so stupid and the worst part is that he doesn’t let anyone teach him because he thinks he knows everything, and unfortunately many Americans are like that and I hate it. For example, the actress Rachel Zegler is the same as my husband, she was born in the United States like her parents, she doesn’t speak the language, she doesn’t know anything about our culture, and even so she calls herself Latina. And every time she receives an award they say “she is the first Latina to win it” and she is robbing REAL Latina women of the opportunity to receive that privilege.
It’s like being Latino became fashionable in the past few years and now if you have a great-great-grandmother who was Latina, you can call yourself Latino and that’s horrible. We’re not something you can choose to be when it’s trending, and when I told my husband that he started saying that I’m a drama queen and if I don’t like the way he thinks then I shouldn’t have married him. And that was like a low blow, because he prefers to remain ignorant before listening to what I say, and it hurts me because what I’m trying to teach him is for the good of our children, because it’s part of their culture and I want to teach them to respect it and not let anyone disrespect it.
He doesn’t want to talk to me now because he says that if I think I know everything then there’s no point in talking, and I’m afraid this will ruin our relationship forever. What should I do? I don’t thinks I should apologize but if I have to I guess I will. Should I?
TL;DR “my usband (32M) got mad when I (26F) told him to stop calling himself Latino just because his grandmother was, and now he doesn’t want to talk to me”
11 comments
I’m white so it’s definitely impossible for me to put myself in your shoes and I wanna tread lightly here… but from my limited perspective it seems silly and unfair to tell someone they can’t claim their heritage because it isn’t “enough” for you. Not to mention very hurtful towards your husband, even though he has grown up with privilege that you didn’t. It even seems like you’re making a lot of assumptions (ie. saying he is only doing this to be “fashionable”. how could you know that?)
Everyone has to start their journey somewhere, and if he is interested in learning more about his culture I don’t think it’s anyone else’s place to tell him he isn’t allowed to.
You have a lot to learn about genetics and race before you go around calling other people stupid.
I’m half Puerto Rican, i was born in the us, but my entire dad’s side of the family grew up in PR and emigrated the the us when he was 16-17.
I am quite educated about the colonialism in the islands, and I take an activist approach to it.
I have had many people try to take away that part of my identity so often, especially recently because I am white passing. My whole family is white passing, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s an intrinsic part of me and who I am.
For me, heritage is one of the few things I can celebrate with full joy. Cooking my grand mother’s recipes, sharing stories about growing up in PR and visiting my family there.
So many people feel the need to shame folks about where they or their families are from. Perhaps instead of shaming him, encourage him to find stories and news and to help celebrate his culture in the ways he knows how, and show him new ones! Help him reconnect with his family rather than tell him he’s just a citizen of where you live.
I am of mixed race. Just because you grew up in a different culture doesn’t mean that you know what it is like to carry the stigma of a skin tone in America or even what assimilation means to someone who has lived here a long time and lost most of their heritage without losing the stigma of where they came from.
Racial and cultural identity is a lot more than facts or living somewhere. It is a legacy that you inherit. It is a family history that defines everything from the way you were raised to what holidays you celebrate and even how you feel about yourself.
Neither of you are wrong in that you both have a lot to learn from each other about what is means to say you are from somewhere.
Where you are clearly, irrevocably wrong is by stating who and what his identity is supposed to be. This is an example of imperialist culture at its best.
This post is juvenile and like dumb. Leave that man alone and stop being a hater. He is Hispanic lol tf.
Well, if his grandmother was 100% Latino that makes him at least 25% Latino and I believe that is sufficient to claim Latino status on government forms and applications.
You’re in the wrong for this, you should apologize. How can you try to control him and tell him what his identity is? If his maternal grandmother is Latino then that’s sufficient. The fact that you’re brining up how he knows nothing about his culture is irrelevant here and its your standard that you’re imposing on him.
also
> but he is so stupid
That is so mean. Do you actually love him?
His race is not invalidated just because he doesn’t live or has never lived in that country. Kinda fucked up mentality op. Are black people not black if they’re not from Africa?
I think you are being very unfair to your husband. There is no Latino test that someone has to pass to be a Latino. You also don’t have the power to determine whether he identifies as Latino. He is what he says he is, it’s his personal heritage. If he isn’t “Latino” enough for you that’s your problem. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t speak Spanish or eat platanos.
Just so you know, this is coming from someone who is half Colombian. It is my experience that because I am light skinned, speak without an accent, and look European that many people try to down play my heritage. They tell me I’m white for various reasons: my Spanish isn’t great, I don’t listen to cumbias, I “act like” a white person etc. This is very unfair because they are trying to not only rob me of my heritage, buy also my voice as a person of color. Regardless, of your husbands opinions or choices on how he lives his life, he’s Latino if he says he is. Also, for you personally, it might be better to be inclusive in your thoughts about Latino people instead of shutting the door on them just because they aren’t acting like you think they should.
But he actually is latino. There’s no rule saying he has to speak Spanish and be well versed in all things latin related to be Latino. He has it in his blood and he is Latino. That’s it! It’s not like a 2% either. It is min 25%
OP please get off your high horse and stop being so pedantic. You’re coming off really condescending and unkind to your husband. Was your point to make your partner feel crappy and try to make yourself sound snobby?
I know next to nothing about my ancestry but that doesn’t mean I’m not those things. Sounds like you have an issue with him representing himself as culturally Latino when you don’t think he understands the struggles that come with that lable.
I’m not qualified to really speak on this topic because I’m not at all Latino, but I would encourage you to examine why you are gatekeeping so hard here.
If you find reasons for that anger that you think are legitimate, talk to him about those specific things instead of a nebulous “you’re not Latino” argument, which I think is verifiably false since he’s at least 25% genetically Latino.