hi everyone. i have been dating this guy for a while and things are going really great. he is serious about me which i’m really happy about.
the only thing is that i have an anxious attachment style, which i’m finding hard to manage at the moment. it’s easier on days that i’m busy, but when i’m not then i start overthinking and driving myself insane. i really don’t like this part of myself, and sometimes it makes me want to end it with him because i’m scared my mental health can’t handle the anxiety that comes with it.
we text throughout the day, but he’s slow at replying which somehow makes me extremely anxious even though i have no reason to be. we see each other about 2 times a week, sometimes 3 even! he has his own life and a busy schedule (we both live in japan so you can imagine how it is), but i’m still overthinking on a daily basis. i’m at the point where i struggle to focus on my studies because i am focusing on him instead. as soon as he texts back, i feel a sense of relief until i reply and start obsessing again. it’s like this endless cycle of exhausting obsession all throughout the day, it’s wearing me out.
i don’t really have any hobbies at the moment. there are many things i want to do (including improvement of my studies…) but i am SO unfocused recently that i simply feel like i can’t do anything other than scroll through social media and wait for his texts. i feel so much shame even admitting that honestly, but i feel like my brain is about to explode on most days and my anxiety is through the roof. i want to do things in order to make my life about me and not about the person i’m dating but i don’t know how.
i’m here to ask for advice. what can i do to make this go away ?
(excuse any grammar mistakes. english is not my first language)
10 comments
Gonna be honest….following because I go through same thing!!
As a male i also have an anxious attachment style. If i text and i dont hear back for a few hours i start to catastrophize everything.. 🙁
Therapy will help you 🙂 been there and now I go to therapy to work things out.
Something that really helped me is that I learned that inside my own head I was very dangerous so I would get outside my head very fast. The best way I find how to do it was one journaling or writing in a notebook or whatever you want to call it to. Realizing that those thoughts are just that thoughts. They are ideas that aren’t real until proven. Otherwise that person is loyal and committed. That’s something that really help me
You need hobbies. Because he’s probably not thinking about you as much as you are thinking about him.
Im obsessed with getting obsessed 💀
I think you’re being desperate to some degree.
You’ve set your expectations to bond with him too low and he does not seem to be reciprocating it on the same level. You will be disappointed if things don’t pan out after all the time and energy you’ve put in and he moves on and you’ve fallen behind on your personal goals.
If this is a new thing for you, then it’s totally normal to feel anxious and excited about getting a response back from someone you are interested in but definitely try to explore more to balance out that energy.
As someone who’s considered a pantydropper and who made the ladies world crazy, my advice to you is this: take it easy, take a step back. If he finds you hot he’ll come to you. Else go for a lower tier of males that will adore you! Good luck!
I’m currently going through a similar thing but I’m still in the early stages of dating. Don’t overthink it! He’s being consistent with seeing you. I think it’s actually healthy how you guys aren’t texting 24/7. You need to start focusing on yourself as a person without the relationship. Focus on your work, hobbies, and spending time away from the phone. Enjoy life!
work on focusing on yourself, knowing that it’s going to be tough! I struggle with this too! a lot of people do! it’s so easy to fall for someone and enjoy everything about them. let yourself observe the romantic feelings and then think about doing something YOU love to do. you almost have to rewire your neuropath ways. When you’re heightened and anxious, you can’t always access your rational thoughts. pulling yourself back into your physical body is one way to get yourself out of your head. I like to move my body to release the anxious energy when this happens. I’ll go for a run or a walk or even bounce on my trampoline (even shake your arms and stomp your feet!). I find pulling myself back into my body helps ease my anxious mind. this is where the real work is for me. I’ve been anxiously attached in all of my previous relationships and I’m finally in one where I feel emotionally safe enough to work through some of these anxiety triggers. I took a long hard look at what my core values are and what I wanted in long term partnership and I know that I want someone who also has a full life and is committed to their own individual growth as well as growth within the relationship and when I look at my current situation, I know I have that and the building blocks to make this really long lasting partnership so I have to work on my own triggers. I also know I want to not rush anything because I know the quality of relationship I want takes *time* to establish and build so I am repeatedly telling myself to slow down and just take it one day at a time.
it’s hard work but I assure you it is worth it! soon enough you’ll have your own set of coping strategies for anxiety and you will automatically go to them. a few months ago I never would have called myself a runner nor would I have resorted to running to relieve stress, but when I am anxious about work or even unconsciously in my relationship, I find myself putting on my sneakers and getting out there because I know I feel better. once im out of my head, I’m able to access the rational part of my brain that knows this relationship is worth the pause and that everything is actually fine.