Context is probably the most important part of this, so I’ll do my best to explain the situation. I was born the 2nd oldest of 5 kids and was raised Roman Catholic by my parents in a very traditional household. We were raised to hold very specific beliefs and values on the heavy hitting subjects such as abortion, gay rights, marriage, the afterlife, etc. Religion was a major driving factor in my life, but it was always more performative for others rather than for me and my benefit. Thus, I did not retain much of the faith when I moved out of my parents place and across the country for college at 19.
Here, I met my current partner and fell in love with how compassionate, kind, trustworthy, thoughtful and empathetic she is. Five years later, we are happily living together across the country from my parents and are a typical, everyday couple. We do nothing out of the ordinary, mind our own business, have jobs, love cats, and enjoy socializing when we get the chance. We are not religious but believe that every person holds equal value and has the freedom to live their life however they want as long as they don’t hurt others. My partner is more vocal about her beliefs than I, but at home we often have open conversations about things and see eye to eye. With the world being how it is, we are mostly concerned with (and actively practice) keeping our stresses within the peramiters of what directly impacts us and things we can do something about.
On multiple occasions over the last two years, we have received information that both of my parents have spoken negatively of us to my sibling(s) and in return, they have been relaying what is said to my partner, who then reads the messages to me. Comments vary from questioning my decision to be with my partner, criticizing her whenever they can (like when they saw she has posted a request for donations from friends for our cats emergency surgery, and assuming since I work full time I should have money to pay for it – which I don’t), them hoping we don’t have children, saying “God forbid they have a child and raise it to be trans” (because they see online that my partner supports trans rights), saying my partner sleeps around with anyone and everyone “because she’s queer”, not having Jesus in my life being the reason I struggle with depression, and the list goes on.
They know nothing about us or how we live our lives and have never reached out to speak to us about any of this. They are brooding and festering in generalized misconceptions about who we are and I hate seeing how it affects my partner. We take everything they say in stride, but I am just not sure how to proceed with a relationship with them since I cannot confront them without outing my sibling for being our inside source on what they’re saying. We want to visit and see my family, but not them. For obvious reasons.
These are people who told me I am not going to be saved when Jesus returns because I got the Covid vaccine and have put $1,000 under their bed for their kids that get left behind when they get lifted up into heaven. These are people who would sooner shout profanities at someone walking into an abortion clinic than vote for a party who would supply communities with resources to support SA victims. These are not the kind of people we want in our lives, but we don’t know what to do with this information, especially since we can’t bring it up to them. Distance makes it tough to have any meaningful relationship as it is, but is there anything we can do to improve this situation? Should we ask then about this even if it would make things worse? Do we ignore them as much as possible and continue on living our lives? How do we live around such nosey and loud people? Like, WHAT DO WE DO HERE?
Edit: My sibling on the inside still lives with my parents but has the same opinions as my partner and I.
47 comments
Perhaps try /r/justnomil (Also, why is your partner in contact with your sibs about this? I’d block those sibs. My partner’s sibs don’t relay information to me, they relay it to him.)
Do you actually like them and want anything to do with them? If not the answer is easy, ignore them and carry on with your lives.
Here’s a vote for ignoring. Block them on social media so they aren’t triggered by the things you post anymore. Tell your sibling you aren’t interested in the backchannel gossip unless they’re actually planning to attack you in some way. Visit if you want and just don’t talk about it. If it comes up and they won’t let you change the subject, just leave.
tell your siblings that you know that your parents don’t like your relationship but you don’t need to hear what they’re talking about
Yeah so the Pope got vaccinated and had a whole big push for people to get vaccinated. He literally called getting vaccinated an act of love.
Trans people are allowed to attend and recirve communion can be baptized and be godparents.
So your parents are not that great at being catholic.
Side note Catholic church believes in evolution.
They are pro life, but abortion can be done to save life of mother.
Any sex outside of marriage is a sin. Gay or straight. They do not say that homosexuality is a choice. They say that homosexual are supposed to be celibate. The pope is trying to figure out currently is same sex unions can be blessed.
They might want to keep up with what the actual tenets are of the faith they profess.
If they are going to weild their religion like a stick, turn it around on them.
Ignore them.
If they had the full and fulfilling lives they purport the church has given them, they would be so busy being happy in living that truth they wouldn’t have time to talk about others.
Instead they sit around judging others, while thinking everyone should aspire to their mediocre way of life.
Isn’t it a sin to condemn others?
People who use religion to control or belittle others is pathetic. **You cannot change them, just as they cannot convert you.**
First of all I would have issues with anyone (sibling or not) running to me to share negative things someone else has said about me. That is unkind and unnecessary. You already know or suspect your parents feelings about you. It is not necessary for your siblings to happily share the information. I would tell them to stop doing that.
What other people think of me is none of my business.
However since you know it is reasonable for you to tell your parents that you understand they have issues with your lifestyle and that it hurts you when you hear some of the things that they have said and that you may need to limit your contact with them going forward for your own mental health.
What kind of relationship do you want with your parents? What is achievable?
Perhaps you want a relationship that is open and honest where people respect opinions and lifestyles they might not understand or agree with. Do you think your parents can achieve that kind of relationship, or do you think they will be judgmental gossips no matter what? If they are likely to be judgmental gossips no matter what, what is the closest you can get to the kind of relationship you want with them? If the answer is, I will see them maybe once a year at holidays or funerals and we will make polite small talk, then that is what it is. Tell your siblings you appreciate them giving you a heads up but you don’t want to hear it, all it does is upset you.
So I am in a similar but very different situation with my in laws and my husbands siblings. None of them like me and never have. They all talk badly about how my husband and I live our lives and raise our kids. The further we push them away (maintain healthy boundaries) the more they hate me and look down on us. They are a very toxic group of people and I had big second thoughts about marrying my husband because I would be connected to these people in some way for the rest of my life. I would do what you two are doing and just keep living your life trying to be the best people you can be. Tell your sibling it’s not good for your mental health to hear these details anymore. You know the jist of their feelings; there is no reason to get constant updates on their shit talking. It will only continue to hurt you and your partner. I would have minimal contact, whatever feels right to you, in regards to your parents and just live your life. You can’t please everyone, and believe me I know how hard it is to walk around knowing your parents or partners parents, don’t like you and talk down about you. I would say couples therapy would really help you two figure out how to navigate these boundaries.
Based on what you’ve told us, why do you guys want a relationship with these horrible people?
At the end of the day, what would be the benefit of having a relationship with your parents?
At this point there is really nothing you can do that will change them, and they will constantly be judging you or trying to change you and your partner.
What’s your relationship like with your siblings? Doesn’t necessarily sound like they’re telling your partner this in good faith.
You say distance makes it tough to have a meaningful relationship but I say that distance is your boon.
Tell your sibling you don’t want to know what your parents say about you and your partner.
I have to agree with other commenters on here. Tell your siblings that you don’t care what your parents say and you don’t want to hear it. It is gossip and hearsay and you don’t want to participate. Stick with it and when they start to repeat just say as many times as you need too that you don’t need to hear it and if it was that important your parents would say it to your face.
Wow. We have the same parents.
You are doing excellent at life. I’m really glad you escaped. And I’m glad you’re able to love and respect others. ♥️♥️
Tell your sibling you love them but don’t need the gossip updates anymore. Tell them you can’t wait for them to get out of that house and have the separation and freedom that you’ve found. And, that you’ll be there when they are the one being shit on for their life choices.
Block your parents on all social platforms and go low or no contact.
Tell your girlfriend you love her. Go get your favorite treat together. High five.
If you want to go visit your siblings, then do so. No one has to tell your parents you’re there. They can also come and visit you. You can also request they stop telling you what your parents say about you because you obviously “get the picture.” Anything else is just confirming what you already know. From now on just don’t go out of your way to contact them.
I think the first thing you and your partner needs to do is mute them on social media
It’s challenging and complicated to process, but I recommend letting them go. I lost my entire family to Qanon and will never tolerate the disgusting beliefs of my Christian family again.
Here’s a genuine question. Why do you want to keep in contact with people who belittle your life choices and verbally slanders your partner? What happiness are they adding?
You can cut them out for what they’ve said to you without bringing up what they’ve said about you. You don’t actually have to give a reason, but if you feel you have to for your sibling’s sake, then just say it’s that. Or tell them you don’t believe in god and they’ll give you enough reason to cut them out in that one conversation.
It is possible that this is a way your sibling is trying to stay sane as well. I’m sure they don’t mean to drag you down but if their views align with yours and your fiance it sounds as though they are more or less bringing this up as a way to feel supported and seen within their own values. Maybe reach out and say that the bad mouthing is affecting your already strained feels towards your folks and you’d rather sit out any discussion about their beliefs but that you are happy to talk about what is important to your sibling and what’s going on in their life anytime.
Remember how hard it was to find your own footing and voice, especially when you have to wear a different face around family.
What I think you should do is to book a flight to the city where your parents live. And notice that I didn’t include your partner. This is something that you must do on your own. Time your arrival at their house on a Saturday, about midday.
When they answer the doorbell, they’ll be shocked it’s you. Once inside and seated, you should simply say that you weren’t there for small talk, but were there because you had something to discuss with them.
Then tell them that you’re aware of some of the things they’ve said about you, especially the one where they proclaimed you to be an apostate and non Christian. However, only God could judge whether a human was redeemed. If they deny having said such, then repeat to them the exact words they used when discussing you. When the argument has gotten to the place of stalemate, tell them not to leave $1000.00 under their bed for you, because the manner in which they’d treated you and your partner revealed themselves to be judgmental pharisees, whom Jesus had declared to be among the damned.
Then, get up, say farewell, and take your leave of them. Permanently. Fly back to your home.
‘Nuff said.
I think you just need to walk away. Tell the sibling you understand that they say these things but you do not need to hear them. Because their opinions do nothing but upset the balance in your life. Walk away from their judgement and let go of their opinions.
Because once you stop caring what they say, it makes it easier to just cut them out and get on with living
You already know what your parents values are. You don’t need to share anything that your sibling has said. You have plenty of reasons beyond that to go low or no contact.
Block your parents on social media, and do whatever you can to reduce the flow of information about your life to them.
Make plans to see the family members you want a relationship with and don’t make plans with your parents. Go low contact. If they bring it up, you can just tell them honestly that you don’t want a relationship with them based on how they have treated you and their values.
You and/or your partner should set some boundaries with your sibling if the gossip is causing your partner distress. Again, you know your parents values and you know what they think of your relationship. You don’t need any more gossip. There is no benefit, it’s just hurtful.
I’d tell this sibling that you don’t want to hear this anymore, that you don’t want your parents in your lives and this information is only hurtful
Donate a small sum to PP on their behalf each year, using their address and names.
I don’t think that distance is what’s stopping you from leading a meaningful relationship with them. I think the distance is what is stopping you guys from going insane
I just wanted to say how proud I am of you, OP, for forging your own path and creating a beautiful life with your partner.
Flip the whole “hate the sin, love the sinnner” thing on its head. If you want a relationship with them, this is the way. Ignore and move on to “safe” topics like the best way to make chocolate chip cookies.
If you don’t need a relationship (esp after little siblings moves out) then just tolerate it for now and go LC after.
Flying monkeys accidentally for narcissists.
I would ignore them and ask my sibling not to share what your parents tell them to you and your partner. There is no reason for you to know or care about what 2 irrelevant people in your life have to say about you and your choices
1. Those are *not* Catholic values.
2. Please tell your siblings you know they mean well, but at this point it’s best to preserve your and your partner’s mental health if they would stop relaying your parents’ bile. You know their terrible thoughts. More evidence does no one any good.
Arrange to see your siblings separately.
My sisters, spouses, and kids take a vacation together every year. It’s wonderful.
I suspect your siblings are deriving a bit too much joy from sharing the tea, and they’ve not really stopped to think about the effect it’s having on you and your partner. They need to stop.
I would visit them once to get the $1,000 from under their bed and then go no contact. 😉
you stop interacting with them.
What do you do? You cut them out. If you want to confront them first, tell them they’re horrible people and you want nothing more to do with them. I think you should just forget they exist at all, essentially ghost them. They have zero respect for you, so why should you go out of your way to give them reasoning? Tell your siblings you don’t want to hear about them anymore. At all. Nothing. If you visit, see your siblings outside of their house. These people are radicalized and it’s only going to escalate. All they care about is their hatred. It’s like a drug. You don’t need any of that in your lives. The best revenge is a life well lived, do that and forget about them.
Again, who is the flying monkey stirring up shit by sending you the information? Oh your sibling? This person is not a friend, they are part of the problem. Ask them not to send it anymore. But after that, what you do is nothing. People like that LOVE drama and are severely disappointed when they can’t get it.
Become boring. Put your social media on private and block these folks from seeing posts.
Have very pedestrian, superficial conversations and leave it at that.
Your parent can live in their bubble of hate and ignorance. You don’t have to deal with them at all if you don’t want to.
Why can’t you bring it up to them? Why can’t you do a Zoom call and tell them all this and say good-bye? Why not hold them accountable for their BS?
Go visit with your siblings/family, hold your head high and make it a point to demonstrate tolerance, love and kindness when they are watching their Faux News and spewing hate. When they get triggered just remind them that Jesus or Daddy God or whoever they pray to will forgive them for their judgment and hate. And bless their hearts
Best course? You’ve already said it: “Ignore them as much as possible and continue on living your lives.”
They don’t walk-Jesus’s-walk, and will never change.
My quote: “It’s only an insult if you respect their opinion.”
You clearly don’t respect their opinion. Let it go, live your life and rest easy in the fact they aren’t going to heaven because there isn’t one.
You troll the ever loving shit out of them. Do what boomers do but instead of passing around every piece of right wing Russian paid for propaganda send them the craziest left wing shit you can find. At least one email a day
I am sorry that you are going through this and I am here to echo what many of the others have already said.
How old are your siblings? As much as them telling you everything is informative it isn’t helpful. It doesn’t serve you. Tell your siblings you appreciate their insight and their support but for you and your partner’s mental health you don’t need to hear everything bad your parents say.
Then put your parents on limited contact. Block them on social media. Don’t send them pictures. Don’t send them anything. If and when they ask about the lack of info just tell them you’re not as active on social media anymore. Block anyone who also will rat you out as well.
The only way to eliminate drama is to cut it out of your life with surgical precision. They won’t change. You don’t want this in your life so you need to remove it. Don’t talk to them about it as it will only be an exercise in anger and disappointment management. The only way to control nosey people is by eliminating their information sources and then go about your life happily. Keep conversations with them cordial but superficial.
You don’t need to let the parents know anything, you can simply say absolutely nothing and ignore this information. Ask your sibling to stop telling this to you, you’ve heard enough. Go NC with parents or not, it really doesn’t even matter unless they are reaching out and bothering you frequently. And finally, you can absolutely go visit family back home. You could obviously meet up with your one sibling without the parents finding out. Depending on how old the others are you could stop by their school and invite them out to dinner, but if they’d tell your parents( or are still in elementary school), then that won’t work. Maybe you have accepting cousins or Aunts/Uncles who you could visit while in town?
So your siblings are generous to share basic gossip that serves no purpose other than to wind you up, what do they get out of this . Tell the siblings you are not interested in the negative ramblings they choose to share
Jabbawookiejedi (Love your moniker!) – you tell the tattletales to stop telling you what your parents are saying about you, or what anyone else is saying about you. That person or persons are trying to rile you and your wife and hurt her feelings, and your feelings.
If the messages are coming via email, then send them automatically into a folder that you don’t open. Seriously, if it’s upsetting to you and your wife, stop reading these poisonous emails. Then you might want to inform your parents/aunts/uncles that one of them is informing on the others, making them look worse /than they already do/.
The point is, stop the inflow of information and ignore it.
> Like, WHAT DO WE DO HERE?
a) Your siblings can come visit you.
b) Tell the “inside” sibling to STOP relaying your parents’ nasty comments!
c) Remove your parents from your social media.