My husband(50M) and I (38F) have been together for 10 years and married for 6. For the holidays we always spend it with my family in state or out of state. We spent Thanksgiving at my parents and was going to do the same for Christmas. I have a sort of big family, mom, dad, 2 siblings, a niece and nephew, grandparents, a few aunts, and a few cousins that I would normally spend the holidays with. My husband only has his mom. He’s the only child and when it comes to his aunts, uncles, and cousins, he barely have a relationship with them. He always made it seem like he doesn’t have any type of relationship with them anymore (family drama or whatever). Out of the 10 years I’ve known him I’ve only met a few of them once. That was at a funeral, years ago. His mom has always been welcomed when the holidays are at my house. She has come 2 out of 4. Well yesterday he said he wanted to spend Christmas with his family, at his uncle’s house. I’m pretty sure his mom came up with the idea. A week before Thanksgiving she asked, so you and Jay(my husband) spending the holidays out of town? I said yes, but Now they are trying to take one of the holidays and steal one of our ideas. The way he presented was that he was going to spend it with his family, I could ride to my home town with my sister and he would come up the day after Christmas and pick my up. I said so you’re saying we will spend Christmas separate. He said, “you can come if you want to.” Now I don’t even feel like I was really invited or he wanted me to go. Should I feel some type of way? Should I be upset? Should I go to see his family or my family?
Side note: my family treats him like family. They always buy him gifts and welcome him with open arms. I’ve only met his uncle, uncle’s wife, and cousins once. His mom doesn’t really care for me. I haven’t received a gift from her, but once out of 10 years.
45 comments
Why not just ask?
“So what motivated you to want to do this instead? Previously, you and I have always done X. Now you want to change it. Why? Tell me your reasons /thoughts about it. “
Start from a place of understanding.
You all see your family every holiday so he wants to spend some holiday time with his for once. They may not be as close as your family but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t want to go or that “they stole your idea”. They’re older people. Of course they’d want to make an effort.
I don’t think you should be upset at all. I’m sure he figured you’d want to be with your family since that’s the normal. Either go with him or don’t. I don’t see why you wouldn’t though. The fact that you DK them well enough is all the more reason to go in my book. They’re supposed to be considered family too. Good luck Hun.
So for 10 years you’ve spent the holidays with your family and he wants to spend it with his family for one year and you’re throwing a fit. Talk about being spoiled.
It seems unfair that holidays are always spent with your family. You two should be taking turns on who’s family you spend it with…
Have you ever asked your family if you could invite your husband’s mum?
Kind of seem like a one sided relationship and you’re upset your husband wants to do something different and you’re too selfish?
1 out of 10 years with his family is not too much too ask so you miss 1 big day with your family, can’t you just see them the following day? YTA.
You’re being very selfish… if he feels that he needs to see his family, then respect that. You’ve had a decade of spending the holidays with your family. He deserves the same respect he’s given you all of these years. His mom is getting older, and he probably feels it’s time to put the past behind them and reconcile. Is this a hill you’re willing to die on? If so, you’re acting like a spoiled child.
His mum is going to die soon. He’s aware of that and wants to spend time with her while she’s alive and well. I think you should be more understanding and more willing to share the holidays.
Lol. Let the man have that holiday with his family. He always go to you Mr family for the past years. I don’t see anything wrong here.
Molehill meet mountain.
Let him and it go.
I don’t have an issue with your husband wanting to spend the holidays with his family, especially since it’s always been with yours. But I’m not clear if your husband first suggested you both spend the holidays with his family this year or did he simply tell you he’d be doing something with his family while you were with yours? Because the latter does sound like you weren’t invited and he’s going anyway which I would have a problem with. But if he wants to go see his family together and you refused, then yeah you’re being unreasonable.
No offense, but how is this causing you to stress? Did you ask your husband if he wants you to go with him to spend the holiday with his family? From an outsiders perspective, it seems like he didn’t want you to feel obligated to join his family for the holidays. You’re not close with his family, but seem close with yours, so it makes sense that he doesn’t want to drag you to see his family.
You said he’s not close with his family, but they’re still his family. It’s not a surprise that he’d want to see them during the holidays, especially since everyone is probably getting up there in age.
When the holidays come around, do you ever ask him if he wants to see his family, or do you just assume he wants to go with you to visit your family?
If his family is mostly older relatives, maybe they want to limit visitors because of CoVid and the flu season. You wont really know what’s going on until you have a talk with your husband to clear things up. That should have been your first instinct, instead of just being in limbo.
Also, so what if your mother in law has only given you one holiday gift? Is that not enough? Not everyone is big on giving gifts during the holidays. That’s a weird thing to point out and makes you seem ungrateful/spoiled.
I mean you admitted you spend every holiday with your family, so does it really matter if he wants to spend one with his? You can spend holidays apart as a married couple. My husband and I have been doing that for a few years but now we’ve moved to the state where my family lives. His mom has always lived in a different state and it’s just her and she doesn’t do anything for Christmas. Even after we were married, I would fly home for Christmas because my family is a little too much for him and his job he actually has to work on holidays so it would be a win-win for both of us. But there’s no reason you can’t go with him to the holiday at his family‘s house. Did you ask him if you were invited?
Am I getting this right, he has a small family but has to spend every single holiday with your big family? And you’re having a problem he wants to spend ONE SINGLE day with his own? GTFO.
Marriage is about compromise and it sounds like you’ve been attending holidays with your family mostly for the last several years. I recommend going with his family and see how it goes and try and have a good time.
Just do whatever you want. If you want to spend it with your family, do that. If you want to go with him, do that. No one can “steal” holidays, you sound like a child. He probably thought you would not want to go with him, since you and his mom don’t get along and you prefer your family. He can go see his mom for Christmas, if he’s 50 she’s probably at least 70. Lighten up.
I really don’t see the issue here. You’ve always spent holidays with your family and now you’re upset he’s suggesting spending one with his? This really shouldn’t be that hard.
What the fuck. You’re a spoiled child.
You say his mom is welcome when its at your house but when is that? Poor mom never sees her son on holidays cause you are with your family? Isn’t she your family too?? Dang she just wants to see her son and he wants to see his side for once and you act like this is ‘your family’ idea. Spending holidays with family is not ‘your family’ idea.
Exactly what idea was stolen here? The idea of spending time with family on Christmas? Sorry OP, I don’t think you own the patent on that.
Yes. You most definitely should go to his family. If that means skipping one holiday from your family, then so be it.
He knew you already had plans to see your family, so that likely explains the way he presented it. (Especially since I’m sure he knows that you feel “his mom doesn’t care for [you]”
Someone sounds spoiled
Here is an idea for couples:
ROTATE holidays.
It cancels out the drama.
DH and I have been doing this from day one. His family is out of state, mine is where we live.
We rotate Christmas every year. (Not feasible for Thanksgiving)
If we ever get push back, we tell whomever it is that this is what is happening.
Our children are adults now and they get to make their own decisions on where they plan on spending Christmas since they have partners also.
Rotating holidays makes it fair to everyone.
You have had all the holidays for years. Go with him to spend it with his family this time. You might have a good time and actually get to know them more.
Wow… aren’t you one entitled and spoiled house wife?
10 years of celebrating with your family and you can’t sacrifice one year to be with his? Why is this even a problem? Are you really that selfish?
Good for your husband for making a stand.
Reality is that it just isn’t fair for your family to get all of the holidays all of the time. It’s just not.
Figure out how to either split the holiday or go to his family this year.
Sheesh. You benefited for all these years from him not having a family to spend the holidays with. That he spent all of them with you means some of them, he left his own mother unattended.
This year he wants to do this own family and you have a problem with that?? Personally, if this were my family, I’d go to my own for one of the two and the other would be spent with his mom. You don’t seem to have done that and only considered yourself.
Also, you do realize you didn’t invent “families getting together for the holidays,” right?
I come from a big family and ex had a much smaller family. She stated therefore her family needed us more and we never had holidays with my family. Did you notice I called her my ex?
Sounds like you’ve had 10 years of steamrollering him for your “turn”, and now it’s a problem for him to have one holiday his way?
Wow, you’re quite the selfish treat.
You need to go spend Christmas with his family. Familial relationships don’t have to be the same as yours to be legitimate and important. ESPECIALLY if he doesn’t usually worry about being close with them, you need to give him some support here.
My goodness you’re selfish. No wonder his mother doesn’t like you. You seem to think you and your family are more important and better than his. Relationships are almost always about splitting time equally between families. You seem to think you are the only one who matters.
I think you need to change your attitude. If you take your emotions out of this and look at the facts you’ll see that your husband’s family has decided to have a get together for the holidays and would like you and your husband to come. They haven’t stolen anything nor are they doing anything vindictive or uncommon. You look forward to your family holiday time and the feeling you have is this time is threatened (and it is-since you do it every year-it is reasonable for them to ask your husband and for him to want to go.) I would encourage you to either think of a reasonable compromise or negotiate with your husband your priorities. Even though you cherish the time you spend with your family-your husband’s needs are equal to yours.
So in the past decade you’ve spent 20/20 holidays with your family and now he wants one with his. If you don’t you are a huge asshole and a very selfish partner
It sounds like the bigger problem here is that you feel like you weren’t invited?? Is that it? If so – that does seem to be the way your husband presented it. But the question is did he do it because he thought you wouldn’t want to go, or because his mother isn’t fond of you? But he should be able to spend Christmas with his mother – especially after ten years with your family.
I personally would not go, and spend it with my own family, if you are not wanted. But it sounds like you guys need to communicate better.
OP, its past time that you spend the holidays with your spouse’s family. Your partner has acquiesced for ten years now. I don’t believe him asking to spend a holiday at his family’s home is too big of an ask. That you are putting up a fuss about this is incredibly self centered.
Stole your idea? Are you nuts? Lol
“I’m pissed that my husband wants to spend Christmas with his family because we always spend Christmas with *my* family!”
Summed up what I just read.
You word this as your family has more “value” That is sad that you think this way.
You’re unsettled about this because for years his family has basically been hidden. His family is getting older and according to you, is small. Because your family treats him as family it probably didn’t occur to him that you needed an invitation. He probably assumed you would want to go to your family and didn’t want to fight about it. Go with your husband, have a good time, and make yourself a part of his family. Happy holidays!
This is one year. Let him spend it with his mom. I believe you are being selfish and holidays should be shared evenly or at least both if possible. Regardless if he was not so close or seemed to be. Life is short.
“Take one of OUR holidays and steal on of OUR ideas..” Christ do you even hear yourself? You sound like an insolent petty child.
Spending holidays with family is not “stealing” your idea. What on Earth?
Your husband has spent 10 years of all holidays with your family. Now he wants to try to reconnect with his. You should accompany him and be pleased to have the opportunity to support him.
Christmas is not about how many gifts you get and keeping track of such things. It’s about being there for your family and friends. Your husband comes before your family of origin.
I’m a little horrified by you.
>Now they are trying to take one of the holidays and steal one of our ideas.
Are you 12? Good Lord. Families and couples deal with this all the time. Why do you see this as taking from you instead of giving to him, since he goes to your family every year for the last DECADE?
I think I see part of why his mom doesn’t like you.
Grow up.
So you’ve gotten what you wanted for the holidays for ten years, but god forbid he wants to see his family for once?
The entitlement
It sounds like you’re not willing to share the holidays with your husband’s side and you’re coming up with excuses such as “I’ve only met them once” to diminish his right to be with his family. He’s decided he’s taking a turn with or without you since he probably senses this will quickly become an argument. He’s trying to divert conflict by not insisting that you come with him. You also mentioned that his mom is welcome when you guys host, but that means she’s alone when you don’t host. If his mom came up with the idea to spend it with the uncle, that is not stealing an idea, since the vast majority of people do this kind of thing. And they are not “taking” a holiday. You aren’t entitled to spend all holidays with only your family. You’re definitely coming across as self-centered.
Family gathering for Christmas was your family’s idea? Lord,wait til the rest of the world finds out!
The size of your family doesn’t make it more valid than his. For whatever reason,someone decided that they want to get together this year. Maybe someone is ill. Or there was a resolution to “drama”. These people are who he comes from.
I don’t even know you,but sense you don’t want to go. I’m sure he senses that and assumed you don’t want to go. So,his lack of fancy invitation could be that. You should go. Find out about your husband.
I’m sorry OP, so what exactly is the issue you want us to solve? You e spend all the holidays with your family, and he wants to spend ONE with his. He probably knows you being with your family is important to you, so didn’t wanna force the issue. I’m sure he would be more than happy to have you go along if you choose. At this rate most of his family is older; his mom is probably as old as your grandparents. So she might now have a lot of time left to have family get togethers. In marriage there is a thing called communication. Try it, I am sure you and your husband can work this out just fine.