Husband (37m) thinks I’m (33f) “too much work” to have sex with

36 comments

1. oof. I can relate to this. I am going through a similar thing with my husband at present. Similar situation, late 30’s, 2 kids, both working fulltime etc. I came to this realisation after years of just accepting that sex was for him and not me.

   However, I brought this up to my husband and he has been mostly wonderfully supportive and making a real effort to make sure that I am orgasming just as much as he is now. My sex drive which was pretty much non-existent for a long time is through the roof now too.

   If I were you I would be telling him that he doesn’t get another orgasm from you, ever, until you get one. Also, definitely bring it up in therapy. You are not asking for too much at all. Sex is not one sided. Women way too often put themselves last in everything in society and just accept it. Don’t give up.

2. Nope, that’s the bare minimum.

3. No foreplay for PIV and he doesn’t seem to do anything but PIV? Isn’t that… painful, jumping into sex without foreplay? Is this sex even pleasant for you?

   There’s a lot to sexual pleasure beyond orgasms, but I don’t see you getting any of it. If he makes sex suck by being inconsiderate then don’t have sex with him. Take sex off the table until you both work through things more together in therapy and you feel like he has consideration for your pleasure.

4. He’s just a shit lover. And selfish. Stop giving him head

   But in all seriousness you need to talk to him about your needs too

5. The fact he does that is one thing… but the fact you brought your concerns to him and he instantly dismissed you and didn’t bother considering your feelings at all, after you LAID THEM OUT in front of him, is insane. He is your husband for christ’s sake. He is not acting like it.

6. You’re not asking for anything and accepting far too fucking little. This man treats you like his own personal sex doll. Stop having sex with him because it’s not sex. It’s just masturbation with a real person. I think solo therapy would benefit you a lot more than this couples counseling, but you can at least do both.

7. He doesn’t…like…kissing? That’s not even a sex issue that’s just a life problem. How do y’all even have sex without kissing? He doesn’t kiss you throughout the day? Tough love, it sounds like he just doesn’t like you and uses you to jerk off with when he’s horny. Is that the relationship you want?

8. >“too much work” to have sex with

   Right now he puts in zero work.

   In my eyes the ‘too much work’ part is the reality that you have needs at all, that when he does have sex he has to consider you and he is just so profoundly lazy and selfish lately even just turning you down is ‘too much work’ in his mind.

   This isn’t about the sex itself specifically as well. This goes beyond that into how accommodating he is as a partner, empathy and care about your pleasure, all the way to just general ability to communicate on any level. He shuts it all down, he deflects, this is now a problem that reflects on your entire dynamic.

   So yes, bring it up. Sex is the main symptom but I am going to guess it goes a lot deeper and he is dismissive of your needs in a great many other ways as well.

9. What a sad existence your husband leads. Incapable and unwilling to pleasure his wife and just wants to be a two pump chump and move on with his day. An embarrassment, truly. He should be ashamed.

10. Hold up…..you married/had kids with a guy that’s NEVER gone down on you? Wtf why? If you don’t get oral then neither should he. He sounds like a narcissistic àsshole that only cares about himself.

11. Seems like a selfish prick. Even if it is “too much work” doesn’t he want to pleasure his wife? God you’re 33. Too young to be having crap sex.

12. Porn did this to my ex too. You will notice that 99.99% of porn is men orgasming. I had to look and look and look to even find a woman having fun. You need to bring this up with your therapist and they can refer you to a sex therapist. What does he mean you take to much work? He’s not even going down on you? Stop giving him BJ’s. That’s some sexist shit right there. I have a feeling he’s lazy or abusive in other areas too.

13. Sadly he’s all about him.

    I don’t have advice but I can relate as a very close friend was him twenty years ago. When HE told me how he was in the whole relationship my heart broke for his wife.

    It was only a matter of time and we, his friends, suggested he leave. We’d got fed up of him disrespecting his relationship and he had two kids

    She is in a loving long term relationship and he’s found it hard to hold one down, currently single.

    Sister, consider your options at this stage as it does sounds quite deep rooted issues your husband has

14. How much porn does he watch?

15. Sex is something you do WITH somebody, for the benefit of both. It is not something you get FROM somebody. He is using your body like a sex toy. You’re not high maintenance – I’m sure you’re no more difficult than the majority of women out there.

    Honestly I’d just stop having sex with him. He expects it as if it’s a service you do for him, but he can’t be bothered putting in a little effort to satisfy you in return. Ask him if he’s happy being bad in bed with an unsatisfied wife?

    For men, they think being good in bed = being good at fucking. They learn from porn which teaches them that their dicks are magic and women should moan and scream in pleasure at the touch of it. That isn’t reality. If he wants to be good in bed, he needs to do the stuff that gets you off. If he wants a happy relationship, he needs to stop being a selfish, pathetic AH who wants to coast through life and through his relationship. This isn’t just bad for your sex life and your relationship – if he’s gotten to the point where basic things are too much effort, he’s on a downward trajectory and you’re both going to suffer if he doesn’t decide to work at the problem.

    And let’s not dismiss how he handles your concerns. Dismissing them and gaslighting you does not make for a good husband! And he won’t even kiss you?! The fuck is this guy’s problem? He needs 1-1 therapy. There’s no way you can fix this until he decides to work on himself.

    Parenting and work can be hard – so maybe you need to come up with some ideas on how you can create more personal time, together and individually. But if I were you, I’d also be asking myself if his selfishness and slackness bleeds into other areas outside of the bedroom. Is he also falling short with the child rearing, house work, emotional labour? What’s in this relationship for you?

16. Sounds like a perfect recipe in the future for a dissolution of marriage. One sided sex never good for a relationship.

    As a man I will tell you a man that loves and respects his wife would never imply that his woman is to much work!

    The word “work” does come to mind though, like hubby needs to work on caring and pleasing the woman he exchanged vows with or someday wifey will find someone who likes to work on pleasing her.

    It is the inevitable outcome.

17. Why do you have a marriage and kids with someone who doesn’t like you?

    My only advice is a lot more communication. A lot. You’ll never be happy married to someone who doesn’t care about you.

18. Your husband doesn’t have sex with you
    He masturbates with your body.
    Don’t let him do that, put some heavy boundaries

19. Jesus and some guys wonder why they end up in a dead bedroom situation this guy needs a wakeup call sounds so selfish.i feel so sorry for you.this is not what it should be like when you finally find a real lover who takes your wants and needs into consideration your going to just float off into pleasure heaven ❤️

20. Um, I’m sorry, but I’d never marry someone who doesn’t reciprocate or at least has tried/willing to work with you so you both enjoy yourselves.

21. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Sex needs to be reciprocal. End. Of. Story.

    If he’s not gonna go down on you, stop going down on him. That’ll teach him real quick 😏

22. Foreplay takes too long?? That’s kinda the point. There are bad lovers and there are selfish lovers and then there is your husband who is a bad, selfish lover.

23. “I feel like our sex life is super one sided – I give him head, he has never gone down on me. He doesn’t like kissing so we don’t do it (even though I love it).”

    Exactly why did you marry him and then have three kids?

24. I mean, i kinda get the *dam i want to cum, but i’m supet tired, i’ll just beat one today*. But, it doesn’t works if he doesn’t “takes care of you” “regularly”…doesn’t seems like a fair bedroom.

    Also, i’ve read too many tomes *i give him head but he doesn’t go down on me* why are so many guys not going at it?

25. How the heck did you even have three kids with a sex life this terrible? And why would you even marry a man this selfish?

26. I really don’t to hurt your feelings so don’t be offended but I’m speaking from my own experience & I know your pain,, I really hate to say this but he’s probably shown you many red flags from the beginning but you didn’t pay attention or disregarded them as nothing until now but he’s very selfish and doesn’t give two shits about what your needs are and I’m sure he shows it in many other ways when it comes to you. he’s full of shit about the kissing too. When a man loves you he will always take care of you first and then it’s on but he’s not feeling it

27. Tell him if he doesn’t want to do the work somebody else will.

    Then go get a boyfriend to make you cum.

28. First off, since he’s not returning the favour, stop giving head. That should never be a one-way street. Second, since you’re “too much work” take care of yourself. He’s clearly happy looking after himself so why shouldn’t you do the same?

29. Porn is ruining lives. It sets him unrealistic expectations and a taste for love-less sex. Aside from that he clearly doesn’t care about you enough. Do you feel loved? Can you trust him? Do you feel respected? Pursue relationship only if those 3 conditions are met.

30. And yet another post where the husband is a lazy, selfish lover and the wife is concerned she’s asking too much.

    Stop having sex with this dude and talk to the therapist about it.

    If you must, embarrass him. I saw this thread where a wife embarrassed her husband in front of their friends, when the topic fell on sex. She was honest and said she never orgasmed and the husband was thoroughly humiliated. At least that’s what I remember. The point is, stop catering to selfish men and their ego. Tell him exactly what he is. He needs to hear it.

31. I’m genuinely being serious when I ask how does a self-respecting person stay with someone who obviously doesn’t want to pleasure them for 8 years and then reproduce with them not just one, but 3 times?

32. Bring it up in therapy. Sex is always a reasonable subject in couple therapy.

33. I hope you are on BC because at this point three kids with this guy are three too many.

    He’s a selfish bastard using you as a fleshlight.

34. Stop having sex with him. It’s too much work.

35. As a man – this dude is an embarrassment

36. You are not asking for too much. My ex husband was the exact same way. He didn’t like kissing me, so we didn’t. Foreplay was him poking me and feeling me up and then sex. It took forever for him to get there and I never finished from penetration and even with a toy, it took me forever. There was a period of our marriage when the kids were all small that he would prefer to watch porn and jerk off instead of “putting effort” into having sex with me. It was also because sex with me was “too messy”.

    It wasn’t the reason we divorced, surprisingly, and I had no idea what else there was because he was my first and only.

    Now that I know what is out there, this would absolutely be a deal breaker in a relationship. I 100% would leave if someone thought foreplay was too much effort.