For context, my husband (31m) and I (28f) are newly married as of October 2023. We live in southern CA. His parents, now my in-laws, live in the Midwest. They announced about a year ago that they were going to “snowbird” in LA for 3 months to get away from the snowy season in their state. I put “snowbird” in quotes only because I had never heard that term before. They have rented an apartment about 25 minutes from us.
I really do like them both as in-laws, but I struggle to be around them for long periods of time. Staying with them for a full week for Thanksgiving was incredibly hard for me. I think of myself as an introvert who appreciates alone time and quiet, which doesn’t mix well with my mother-in-law who is the opposite. Again, she’s incredibly kind and always well-meaning, but everything is at volume 100, 10 out of 10 urgency, rise and shine, to the max no matter what she’s doing. To their credit, they have both said that they don’t expect us to spend every waking second with them when they’re out here. But I will say, they (mainly my mother-in-law) do seem to get annoyed whenever we visit other people when they’re in town. I think it’s going to be a really horrible 3 months and it’s already caused a few fights between my husband and I.
All in all, I’m really upset that they never asked my husband or I if we would be okay with them visiting for 3 straight months. I feel a bit steamrolled because I didn’t even know it was happening until after tickets were booked / apartments were rented. I just can’t tell if I’m in the wrong for being upset or having a bad attitude about it all. I also feel bad for my husband because he’s in a really tough spot. I can’t imagine looking my aging parents in the eye and telling them to cancel all of their tickets / plans / etc. Just looking for some objective third party opinions.
TL;DR In-laws are moving within 25 minutes of us for 3 months without asking us how we feel about it first.
5 comments
They aren’t visiting for three months.
They are renting a place 25 minutes away to get away from the cold.
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That aside, have you talked with him at all about what the family expectations/plans are for his parent’s retirement?
My parents moved close to me after the pandemic. It’s different from a visit. I see them at least once a week for a few hours. We get lunch or go shopping or take a walk. Then I go home. My husband is always invited, and he can always say no without having to “justify” why. He sees them once or twice a month, and it’s always fun.
It’s actually great. Those week long visits are exhausting. But now when we get sick of each other I just go home. And it’s just nice having family close. We dog sit for each other, help with projects, cook for one another. As long as I maintain firm boundaries it’s great.
Lay down ground rules. Do they get a key? When can they use it? How much notice do you need before they come over? Are you always expected to accompany your partner when he spends time with them, or can you stay home to eat take out food in your underwear? Getting these things straight now will save you arguments in the future.
My parents moved 5 minutes away from me without asking. They’ve learned the hard way that boundaries will be in place. They’re not allowed to drop by and yes my mom gets upset if we have a life outside of them. Your husband needs to be on the same page boundary wise. I think you’re every right to be upset but I would assume the best until proven otherwise. My parents don’t love our boundaries but they understand that they’re not entitled to our time and we love them so 🤷
My in laws just moved closer to us. It is VERY different from the week long visits – you (and your husband) need to have a talk about what is a reasonable expectation for how often you see them. Reminder that you’re not on vacation for 3 months, so you’re not available 24/7 to them.
Remind them that if they are moving, that they need to keep themselves busy with making new friends and becoming part of the local community independent of you.
I’d start with once a week for lunch or dinner and see how that goes. If your husband wants to spend extra time with his parents once a week, ok but talk to him about what he is giving up (eg time with you/friends/chores) and who feels the pain with his absence for that few extra hours.
They are not visiting for 3 months. Hell, they aren’t even going to be that close to you.
*In-laws are moving within 25 minutes of us for 3 months without asking us how we feel about it first.*
They are adults, they do not need your permission to move somewhere, especially temporarily.