I genuinely want like an actual friend with no ulterior motives but it’s insanely hard to find a friend that doesn’t want me or what I have. Is anyone else facing this in their twenties?

22 comments

  1. Sort of, I blame it on the miscommunative irl expectations technology and media promote. I find it hard to actually like and wanna be with somebody. Just me and my 2 friends against the world fr

  3. I have the same question before coming across your post. Now I feel better reminding myself that the ones who have ulterior motives are social acquaintances, they aren’t friends. They drain my energy when I forgot they aren’t friends, or is it me draining my own energy by staying around?? And indeed, where can we find that friend??

  4. Social media has affected relationships overall, on the one hand everyone feels the rest is fake, on the other people don’t seem to feel the need to meet new people because they have contact with anyone anywhere. On top of that the economic hardships the world faces makes it even more difficult to socialize and on top of that you could argue that depression has taken a toll on the majority (i have had seasons where I dont speak to anyone at all)

  6. Isn’t wanting someone to hang out with and share stuff and be for each other also considered ulterior motives? Because you interact with a person just so you would get companionship.

    Friends want at least one thing that you have – your time.

  7. Umm yeah. To make matters worse I’m bisexual. But I feel like I don’t know how to show platonic interest?? Like if I try and befriend someone it always feels like I’m being flirtatious. But if I don’t try and befriend someone I’m cold and aloof. I guess it’s a problem for me because I don’t like lukewarm small talk.

  8. **Well, people can have ulterior motives at the start, but cease to do so over time.** It’s just unfortunate if they *reduce* your relationship to a *covertly* transactional one from the start, though, as that likely won’t change.

    I used to be open to making friends with anybody. I didn’t care if my mom or whoever didn’t like them. If they were my friend, they were my friend. But **as an adult, I have less free time, so if I could *hit two birds with one stone* by finding a friend who could potentially give legal, medical, or financial advice, among other things, if I really really need them and asking online doesn’t work, then why not?** As long as I treat them human and don’t abuse them (e.g. calling a doctor at random hours expecting to be treated as a VIP, or use them to skimp on consultation fees i could otherwise afford but im just being stingy) then it’s fine. They could always establish boundaries with me.

    Just some thoughts moving out into a bad part of town with no street cred. It’s human to want to have personal access to help, to want to build connections based on what others have. It sucks when you don’t know anybody, or feel like you’re burdening acquaintances.

  9. iT IS! pEOPLE ALREADY HAVE THEIR FRIENDS AND DON;T WANT MORE or they don;t want to be your friend.

  10. I’ve found my first true friends in middle school. Personally i think i’m extremely lucky, because, i didn’t even do anything special, just existed. It was like we’ve seen each other at the first day of school and thought: “wow these guys are really funky”. Now we’ve known each other for almost 6 years and i’m truly grateful that i have them by my side. With hindsight, I think the art of finding just the right people is being in the environment with values, that lets you develop and to develop others. For me it was catholic middle school and catholic youth group. I strongly recommend these places if you have access to them, especially the youth groups. There, you could surely find some people whose priorities aren’t focused on drinking and fucking. I strongly encourage you to maybe give it a try, even if it seemingly looks like some kind of sect. Don’t ever give up!!

  11. I used to want the exact same thing, never found it.. I’m 30 now and I have finally given up on this want. lol I hope that you’re able to find it. There may be some groups that are directed towards that.

  12. yea but its because im such an outcast .. plus im an reserved introvert so i really suck at trying to interact/befriend with people .. id like to have platonic/genuine friendships but some people cant adapt to the way i am and thats fine ill just live with the fact ill never be able to have authentic friendships . its not something i care about anymore like i used to back then . being alone these last 3 years made me love myself to an extent and im at a tranquil state within my mental and myself .. i wouldn’t mind meeting new people even for a chat .. if not then anyone who sees this i hope you love yourself through the hard times and accept for who you are .

  13. Yeahh, I’m really struggling rn with my friends too. I think I’m just gonna settle with having no friends for rn. I really wanna hangout with new ppl but don’t have the energy to try anymore, or just right now at least. I have my girlfriend and she’s amazing so at least I got 1 person to hangout with that I’m on the same page as most of the time.

  14. Each of you are able to communicate. Learning about yourselves and what you want will help to decide in how friends will be part of your life. Do the individuals have the same ideas as you, is your hobby their hobbies, Do you like the same music. What you want is achievable

  16. I know people in the CS will be trying to explain why these is happening to we young adults
    My own state of mind right now is that I have given up on making any friends friends = stress

  17. I’ve never had a female friend or guy friends except my ex. But I know a lot of that is due to being avoidant and really introverted. and having an unhealthy relationship with my mom and no relationship with my dad. I hope it all changes.

  18. I don’t typically struggle with this, and I find that meeting people through activities is generally a straightforward way to make platonic friends. For me, that mostly revolves around sports these days, although I’ve met people through board gaming, trivia, and via adult classes over the years.

  20. You’re not alone. Any person who I’m remotely interested in does not even bother to go out for a coffee. They’re either already in a relationship, homosexual, or just not interested. Tough times…

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