My husband isn’t madly in love with me. What should I do?

25 comments

1. No one can give you any meaningful advice without more background on your relationship. My first thought is that this seems like a miscommunication. Is your husband usually very logical and rational? He relies on that more than emotion? That could explain his answer and why he (presumably) didn’t realize it would hurt you.

   He can love you in all the important ways without thinking of himself as “madly in love” like a fairytale character. Same way a person can love someone and believe they’re perfect for each other without believing in the concept of soul mates. “Madly in love” might not be an idea that makes sense in his logical mind. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you very much in every way that matters. This is giving him the benefit of the doubt, by the way. There isn’t a lot of info here. Maybe he really is just a jerk.

   I might be projecting here. I run into these issues with my wife frequently. For example, I don’t care much about celebrating dates (anniversaries, birthdays, etc.) because it doesn’t seem logical to me. There’s not actually anything special about this day just because it’s a certain number of days since an important event happened. It just doesn’t register with me. But those things are important to her, so I go along. Maybe your husband feels similarly about the phrase “madly in love.” Like, “No, I’m not madly in love. I’m just in love, and it makes perfect sense. Nothing mad about it.”

2. play stupid games win stupid prizes. The phrase “madly in love” trivializes love, in my opinion. It’s like saying you have to be insane to be in love with me. Yes people sometimes say things like that not meaning the literal meaning of it but maybe your husband isn’t familiar with this.

   Yours is a young marriage and you are still learning how to communicate about the important stuff. Your views on what love is are important as is his. He shouldn’t have told you that was stupid and if he did he should have recognized he hurt you when he did and apologized then you both could have had a Deep Meaningful Discussion on the nature of your views of love and gotten past this.

   And you should not be ruminating over this and you should tell him straight up that when he called it stupid that hurt your feelings and you want to talk about it.

   Don’t shy away from conversations with your spouse on the very important things in marriage. Unfortunately it is too easy to fall into that dynamic.

3. Does he love you though? Cause “madly in love” is kind of specific and not necessarily something I think everyone would feel.

4. He’s rationally in love with you. It’s not just hormonal and honeymoon feelings, his love is built to last.

   ETA yeah I think you’re overreacting and need to stop asking questions you don’t want the answer to.

5. I saw one study that found that the newlywed couples that said they were most blissfully in love were actually more likely to divorce. It’s because that type of intensity was harder to maintain in the long term.

   To me, the phrase “madly in love” suggests the way I felt about my crushes as a teenager. It was more of a giddy, exciting feeling. Back then, that’s what I imagined being married to “the one” must feel like. But then the adults around me told me that’s not what a mature, adult love felt like.

   My husband and I moved past the giddy falling in love phase pretty early in our relationship. We actually both talked openly with each other about it. We agreed our love was not that madly in love feeling anymore. It seemed more like the love our grandparents had for each other. It’s less intense, but deeper and steadier. That’s the love that’s stood the test of time for us for decades now.

   So maybe this what your husband is referring to when he says he’s not madly in love.

6. In my relationship of 7 years I wouldn’t expect my husband to say he’s madly in love with me but he does love me even though he is very shy about saying it first. I know he loves me in the way he picks me up by the waist, sways with me while I’m cooking/doing dishes, how he kisses my forehead when he thinks I’m sleeping.

   We don’t know your husband or in what way you were speaking to each other. You know your husband. This is one of those situational things where tone, intention, and phrasing come into play.

   We can make assumes all day but at the end of the day it comes down to you and him. You guys should talk.

7. Mature, established marriages are rarely *madly* in love. Madly, aka madness, is not ideal in a stable, steady relationship. Love, yes, even in love changes over time, but madly in love is not a mature way to go through everything required for marriages.

8. Damn i was with my now wife for 10 years before we got married and every day I would answer that question an undeniable yes. That kinda hurts

9. Did you specify to him what ‘madly in love’ means to you? Did you ask him what it means to him? Because otherwise this is sort of a nonsensical question.

10. To me, “madly in love” describes two teenagers fucking in the back seat of a car as old as they are, talking about how they will totally stay together while they’re at 2 different universities in 2 different states.

    Adult love is different.

    You need to talk to him & ask him what he thinks this phase of life & your relationship should feel like.

    Your feelings towards each other are going to change a dozen times through the course of your life time. Love is constantly evolving. And sometimes it is work. The most important thing is that you are both committed to showing up, every day. Even if you don’t feel “madly in love” at that moment.

11. Either be in a relationship where he’s not “madly” in love or leave while you’re ahead. What made your ask him? Are you feeling unloved?

12. You need to grow up.

13. Well if he’s not madly in love I guess the question is, does he love you mildly, a lot, not so much or not at all? That’s a very insensitive response on his part. Very hurtful. Maybe ask what he expects needs to happen to make it a great relationship? Hint – might require some effort on his part.

14. Well I think that means different things to different people? Like, so in love that you’re going crazy? So in love that you can’t see any of your partners flaws? So in love that the feeling is actually bothering you?

    I’d say I’m “madly in love” with my husband but to me it’s just that I love him so much I can’t even put it into words. Your husband probably has a different idea of what that phrase means. I wouldn’t be worried about it.

15. What does “madly in love” even mean?

16. Oh dear…..not sure if this has been mentioned or not but you need to look up the research of John Gottman and start reading his books. Lasting marriage is built on seven principles. I could lend you my copy but I smacked my ex husband in the head with it after he pissed me right off when he went to his brothers wedding without me.

    We had inlaw trouble…..

17. The question “Are you madly in love with me?” itself is immature.
    And, you got the answer you deserve, unfortunately.

18. How did you not notice before?

19. People telling you this is mature love are coping. He married you out of convenience and you better hope he doesn’t find “the one” he truly madly loves while married to you. Men like these are cowards who settled for safe options, either from fear of losing control or because they think they can’t do better. Women thinking that it’s good to be chosen for this role are deceiving themselves

20. Madly in love is a ridiculous notion. I love my husband and he loves me. He is a steady strong rock for me to lean on and vice versa. “Madly in love” is childish fairytale nonsense that cannot be sustained. Does he love you? Does he enjoy spending time with you? Put you first? If he does ALL that then he loves you. Now if all that is missing that is another story.

21. Sorry

22. If your wife asks you if you would love them if they were a work or a tree, you say yes!
    Life is already hard, you don’t need doubts from your supposed sole half.

23. Every person and relationship is different. If you require someone to be madly in love with you in order to be happy the you’ll likely have a hard time finding happiness. “Madly in love” is probably not the best way to measure whether or not you’re in a good relationship. Ask him if he’s happy, if he trusts you, or if he feels secure in your relationship. These are far better measurements to use. I’ve been with my wife for 22 years and I can honestly say that I’m madly in love with her most of the time but that has to do with things I went through that have left me extremely appreciative of her and our marriage. In a normal marriage the passion and intensity comes and goes. Life will throw things at you that will bring you closer together and sometimes life will allow you to drift apart a bit. It’s about having someone you love and trust to go through life with. Your husband probably could’ve found a better way to answer your question but I wouldn’t worry about him being madly in love all the time.

24. Marriage isn’t about being madly in love. You have to maintain a marriage and being madly in love is not maintainable.

25. Are you madly in love with him?

    Have there ever been days that you weren’t? Maybe you asked him on one of those days?

    If the relationship seems to be going well, I wouldn’t worry about it. He might have even said it because he was annoyed by the question.

    Doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.