Am I (27F) stupid for staying with bf (27M) who won’t propose?

42 comments

1. > I told him I wanted to be engaged before we moved, didn’t happen because he said he didn’t have money.

   You don’t need money to get engaged though…. you don’t even need a lot of money to get married. If you really wanted, you could have gone to the courthouse and paid around 100.- for all the documents etc.

   > marriage is pointless

   So he clearly has zero interest in getting married. Even if marriage is what YOU want….why would you want to get married to someone who just does it for you?

   > . Now I’m thinking of breaking up and moving back to be with my family but he says that’s stupid and we shouldn’t break up

   Why is it stupid? You’re clearly not compatible.

2. Someone savvy enough to have owned a home in their 20’s shouldn’t be so passive in asking for what they want. You should just propose to him. It’s 2023 after all and no woman should just sit around waiting for the guy to make all the moves. It would be pretty “stupid” to just break up rather than being proactive, asking and receiving his answer and then knowing for sure that what you’re doing is the right thing.

3. He is making excuses and hebhas no intention of marrying you. Do not waste anymore of your time.

4. You keep believing words, not actions. His actions have shown you clearly that he’s just delaying and you might be a place holder. Now he’s got his education, his supportive and supporting girlfriend.

   What does he think an engagement involves? What costs? Please, so if you said “why not just get married at city hall” it’s not the money from the sounds of it.

5. The sad thing is, if you put the break up into motion… I bet he will finally clue in how serious you were about it and want to propose afterwards.

   Together for 5 years, owning a home together, the engagement would make the relationship feel complete.

   If marriage is something you want, then I would agree that maybe its time to reconsider things since he keeps pushing it off.

6. I think it’s pretty clear he’s stringing you along with no intention of marrying you. And that’s a really $hitty thing to do to someone you supposedly love. The only benefit of the doubt I could give him is if there is some expectation for an expensive engagement ring or an extravagant wedding. If that’s the case, I would understand his hesitation. But I don’t get that vibe at all from your post. I got married 7 days after I graduated medical school. Both my wife and I had significant debt. That was 30 years ago. You don’t need money to get married. You need commitment and a willingness to work together. Based on your post, this is a very one-sided relationship. If marriage is important to you, I’m sorry but this isn’t the guy you’re going to marry. Give us an update.

7. 1. I would ask him what this financial goal of “having money” before a proposal is. It seems like he is moving the goalpost.
   2. What are your expectations for the proposal? I’m not going to start the debate on the appropriate price of a ring, but imo it should be a little more than $50 at Walmart followed by a celebration at Olive Garden.
   3. With 1 & 2 in mind, set reasonable goals to meet these targets, plus a budget for a modest wedding. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to want to be engaged by March, married 2 years after.
   4. I know ultimatums are toxic, but there’s a difference between do x or I’ll leave, and I’ve consistently communicated what I want, you have reneged on a prior agreement, and I’m feeling extremely rejected from your continual promises when your priorities seem to be elsewhere.

   Also, if you’re living together, you may as well revisit budgeting and spending expectations. Do you really want to marry someone with zero financial discipline?

8. With the right person you don’t have to press the issue of marriage. You don’t have to keep bringing it up, you don’t have to give deadlines, etc.

   If he wanted to propose, he would. You talked about it happening the end of this year, and he agreed. I personally would stop bringing it up, the ball is in his court. See how the rest of the year plays out. If it doesn’t happen, then I would call the relationship quits. He has money, he is choosing to spend it on other things that are more important to him.

   His actions (and lack of) speak louder than his words and promises.

9. Does he keep moving the goalpost?

10. You’re not stupid, just blind to what he is really communicating. He’s telling you just enough to keep you on the hook.

11. Don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but it sounds like he’s using you as an ATM. Don’t marry this guy. Buy a house again for yourself and don’t sell it to move with him. Stop paying for his expenses and if he wants to be together after that, tell him he needs to pay for his own expenses.

12. If you want to get married yes you would be stupid for staying

13. He’s unlikely to marry you. He made it clear he thinks marriage is pointless, and as soon as you get to wherever the most recent goalpost for the engagement was, he’ll make a new one, further off in a future which likely will never come.

    Move on. Move back to live near family – it will likely bring you more happiness than being strung along for decades.

14. He asks. You accept. Boom! Engaged. Costs $0.00.

15. This guy does not want to marry you and likely never will. If marriage is important to you, which you say it is, and he knows that yet doesn’t care, you should in fact more on. If he plays the “that’s stupid” thing again then the appropriate response would be “what was stupid was you wasting my time by leading me on since I’ve been more than clear about my expectations for our future and you were well aware.”

16. I don’t think you’re stupid and I think this was a good relationship for a time but you should definitely move forward and be single or with someone who has similar goals and priorities. You deserve it !

17. You sold your house & moved, then bought a house with a guy who keeps stringing you along?!? Girl, please. Disentangle and go. He is never going to marry you. Why should he? Everything is exactly how he wants it right now!

18. You could try one more talk with him. “You’ve told me several times that we would get engaged soon and that hasn’t happened. You’ve repeatedly used money as a reason, yet I’ve seen you spend a lot of money on wants in the last year so clearly there is money – you’ve just used it for other things. Between what you’ve said, what you haven’t, and watching your actions I’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t want to get married and specifically won’t be proposing to me. Is this accurate?”

    And see what he says. Calling him out and forcing him to answer might give you better insight into where he is.

    Or you could cut your loses and move back. Unfortunately a lot of people let the person who saw them through med school go and “upgrade” to what they “deserve” now that they are earning a higher income. It is a bit of a trope.

19. > I’ve made it VERY clear that marriage is what I want.

    But

    > keeps saying good things take time and marriage is pointless

    Also

    > I told him I wanted to be engaged before we moved

    > I sold my house and moved with him

    > didn’t happen because he said he didn’t have money

    He’s stringing you along. He’s saying all the things you want to hear to be placated, but he’s doing none of the things you want.

    A boundary is not something where you tell them to do something “or else”. A boundary is where you state “If X happens, I will do Y” and then you actually follow through on it. Otherwise you didn’t actually have a boundary and were just bluffing.

    > Now I’m thinking of breaking up and moving back to be with my family but he says that’s stupid and we shouldn’t break up.

    You are doing an awful lot of what he wants, and completely dismissing your own wants, thoughts, and feelings. Breaking up with someone isn’t an agreement. It’s not a thing that takes two for it to happen. It’s a very one sided action. You either stay or you leave based on what you want to do. Not on what he thinks should happen.

    So what do you really want in life? To stay in the relationship as it is and never get married? Because that’s the route this is. He’s with you cause it’s easy. You do all the work. I’m not psychic, but I can predict how this goes: Stay and never get married. Leave and he will marry the first girl he dates after you. He’ just not gonna marry you as he sees you as a place holder.

    He will also “propose” if you leave, but he won’t actually ever marry you. After 6 years, he’s made his choice. My husband knew he wanted to marry me almost instantly. For us, our relationship was always a “HELL YES!!” for each other. You can totally have that in life. Just not with him.

    If you avoid the pain of leaving, you’ll never know the joy of braving the unknown to truly get what you want.

    You have just two options: Stay with the “meh” you aren’t happy with, but obviously feel comfortable in, or leave, feel some horrible heartache, and go get what you truly want by living for yourself and not someone else. Find your own ambition, because the love you want to feel, you will never get from someone else. That is something you can only get from inside yourself.

20. He told you that marriage is pointless. What more do you want? And side note, don’t ever sell your house for a man

21. Marriage isn’t pointless unless you have no qualms exposing a woman to your seed w no commitment or taking her time and efforts w no reciprocal commitment. TLDR he’s an ass and you need to propose or leave his ungrateful noncommittal ass

22. He said marriage is pointless, uses his money on other things while telling you he doesn’t have money, the signs are all there, OP. You are ready for it, he is not. It’s time to leave

23. You were clear about what you wanted from very early on in the relationship. You’ve been continuously bringing up marriage and engagement and he keeps stringing you along.

    What he has said makes it clear that marriage doesn’t matter to him. It’s a popular opinion these days, I get why lots of people consider it meaningless. But it means something to you and he knows that!

    If he knows it’s important to you and it still means nothing to him, it might be time to cut your losses.

    I actually went ring shopping with the girls and told my bf at the time I found one I liked and that it was on sale until the end of the month. He did buy it, and waited another 4 months to propose. Not the most romantic story, but I waited 4 years and I was ready. I asked him if I could propose and he said no, so I ended up basically asking him to hurry up and propose.

    You did that too, but got told no. Multiple times. If this is your deal breaker, I wouldn’t blame you for calling it quits.

    Or start passive-aggressively watching the show “The Ultimatum” in front of him and keep saying “oh look, it’s us!”

24. This man does not want to marry you.

25. Ever heard of, don’t let your boyfriend stop you from meeting your husband 🤣🤣🤣

26. I mean clearly he’s either bot ready to marry you or doesn’t want to marry you. Either way why would you continue to push for something that would ultimately end in divorce?

27. Ask him if he thinks he can do better. If not, put the damn ring on your finger. There’s only one reason guys drag their feet about marriage and it’s that they secretly think something better might come along. Make him confront his own bullshit and decide. You’re not waiting around forever.

28. Leave ! He’s stringing you along and now he doesn’t take you seriously because you keep giving him a deadline and he keeps telling you yes then changing his mind and you just go with the flow. You should’ve let him move by himself and not have sold your house. You have lost all leverage if marriage and a family is what you want leave and go find someone who is ready for the same things

29. So wait…

    You sold your house to move to another state for him. You bought a new house where you both live, and have financially supported both of you while he was in medical school.

    Is he contributing to the shared expenses now that he’s working?

    Either way, you’re doing wife things for a man who adamantly doesn’t want to make you his wife. Why?

30. Don’t waste your time, if he’s not gonna propose you back then he’s not going to propose you in the future. No money, is a lame excuse from a guy who’s already content with how things are. As a guy who have seen many friends who’s gone on this “we’ve been together for x years but waiting for x to happen”. Most of my friends ended up breaking up or divorced not long after marriage.

    You can’t take your youth back

31. I’m sorry you are going through this, you are worthy of so much better. You are beautiful, smart, and kind. If you end breaking up it will be his loss and stupidity. There is a man out there who will cherish you and lavish you with the love and respect you so richly deserve.

32. Nobody can tell you exactly what to do here, but I was in this situation once a long time ago and I remember the feeling very clearly. It sucks. You think you’re both on the same page. Your partner is *saying* all the right things, appears to be in agreement about future plans, but there is always an excuse. His is money. He’s never going to have *enough* because there is no “magic” number that is enough. You know it’s a BS excuse because you see him spending on other things instead of saving for a ring or proposal. And you don’t need money to propose. He could do it without a ring even, but it sounds like he just always has a reason not to do it. You know what that means. He doesn’t want to.

    I don’t want to be mean about this, but I’m going to be harsh because I wish someone had been harsh with me about it a lot sooner. **This guy doesn’t care enough about you for you to marry him.** That’s it. It SUCKS, but that’s the undeniable truth. He probably cares/loves you to a degree, assumes you’ll be married eventually – but it’s just not something that is a priority for him. It’s not super important, even though he knows it is for you. What’s important to you isn’t important to him, and that’s big issue no. 1. Maybe he just takes you completely for granted. Maybe he’s biding his time to see if he meets someone else, maybe he just doesn’t want to grow up – who the hell knows, but if he REALLY wanted to have the future you both agreed to, he would have made the plans, taken the actions, and been at least ON THE WAY. You are not getting any younger and have wasted a huge amount of time on this guy. Why waste more?

    Of course he’s going to tell you it’s dumb and not to break up, because right now this is working for him. It works great, he has no reason to get married and probably doesn’t want to. You’re there, you’re supportive, and he doesn’t have to commit. It’s great for him, but it sucks for you. The only way to end it is to end it. The reality is that although it’s very tempting to want to know his thought process, IT DOESN’T MATTER. He hasn’t made even the slightest effort. You can believe his empty lies and promises for another 5+ years, or you can wake up, realize that even if he DOES love you, it’s not enough, and that it’s time for you to move on. You deserve someone who can’t WAIT to share a life with you, who is EXCITED to marry you. That’s what you deserve. Not a guy you have to practically beg to commit. Just leave. You’ll feel better about yourself, and you will likely eventually find someone who truly loves you.

33. Girl you’re an ATM and as soon as he starts getting real attending paychecks he’ll drop you immediately. He’s a med school gold digger sorry to be the bearer of bad news

34. You want fundamentally different things. Sounds like he’s hedging his bets. You’re great to pay the bills while he builds his career, but he doesn’t want to get tied down in case something ‘better’ comes along. I’d bounce. Let him figure out how to get by on his own.

35. You aren’t stupid. But it’s time to move on if marriage and children are important to you. If he wanted to marry you he would have asked. Do you want to marry someone you’ve had to “nag” into it? Women have an “ideal window” for having kids, don’t let him keep wasting yours.

36. You’ve waited 6 years. Are you going to wait 6 more? If you want marriage and children you are wasting your best years. You could be married now with a kid or two to a man who is thrilled to be your husband.

37. Take a step back and look at this situation.

    You are literally begging someone for a “shut up ring” after he’s conveyed very clearly that he’s not interested in marrying you.

    You need to value yourself, and have some self-respect for yourself. It’s a very “young” mindset to think that you can change him and make him “want” to marry you.

    He doesn’t want to marry you, and he doesn’t care if that’s what you want. He couldn’t be any more clear. Be kind to yourself! Your goals are not aligned!

    As someone else said, don’t get caught up in the sunk coast fallacy. Just because you have spent years of your life begging this guy to marry you, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing that. Leave and invest your emotional energy into someone who values you. Your current relationship is just a matter of convenience for him. You’re doing all of the wifey things and he’s cool with that, but you’re probably a placeholder at this point. Accept that and move on.

    You aren’t stupid. Just maybe a little immature to think that you can make him want to marry you.

38. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! You gave up a lot for him. I don’t think you’re stupid but I do think it’s best for you to leave. I was with a guy for 8 years and we didn’t even live together. He kept saying we would get a house together, that we would get married, have kids, but he never followed up with any of those things. He didn’t even want pictures of us. He was also gone for work all the time and eventually I just stopped having feelings for him because he never wanted anything with me. I started dating another guy and we were engaged like a year later. And this guy will take lots of pictures of us, buy pics of us, send out holiday cards of us, put me on his phone wallpaper, etc. He WANTS to do stuff with me.

    My point is, if he WANTED to do anything, he would. You have made your wants clear and he keeps moving the goalposts so you stay.

39. Why would he marry you when you’re already giving him everything he wants? He’s never going to marry you and I honestly don’t know why you’d want to marry him at this point

40. Girl, he’s just not that into you.

    Let it go. You’ve supported him long enough. If he wanted to marry you, he would. Don’t let sunk cost fallacy steal the next 10 years of your life.

    And don’t be surprised if he starts dating and ends up engaged within a year.

41. If he wanted to, he would.

    He has shown you repeatedly by his actions that he has no intention of marrying you. And I”m sorry, I know you were hoping that someone would give you the magic words to get him to propose.

42. This is a really good life lesson not to buy real estate with someone who won’t legally commit to you. He doesn’t want to marry you and has no incentive to because you’re already making his life easier in every way a wife would (bangmaid, financial support etc.). If you keep pestering him you’ll end up with a shut-up ring and a husband who is openly contemptuous of you. If he told you today that he didn’t want to marry you ever, would you leave and seek out someone who is enthusiastic about marrying you? I think that’s what you deserve – I think that’s what everyone deserves.

    Please note: He thinks it’s stupid for you to break up, but could easily solve this problem/fix it. That doesn’t change that he’s still not going to propose and he’s still not going to marry you – his solution relies on changing your mind about what you want through manipulating you to not want it by insisting that your wants are stupid.

    Read this sometime about the fallacy of The Game of Rings and how you don’t have to harangue people to marry you if they really want to because they’ll do it on their own:

    [http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2015-12-dear-dana-i-want-my-boyfriend-to-propose-over-the-holidays-and-im-worried-that-he-wont/index.html](http://www.rolereboot.org/sex-and-relationships/details/2015-12-dear-dana-i-want-my-boyfriend-to-propose-over-the-holidays-and-im-worried-that-he-wont/index.html)