Not sure if this is the right sub to put this jn but heres the backstory. I (f22) have a 1 year old daughter. I’m not looking to date right now because I just got divorced and I’m not ready for that. My ex-husband (m25) was my first everything. We were together for 2 years. He was already a single father and I was extremely hesitant to date him but in a lot of ways I felt bad for him and wanted to give him a chance. I had a lot of standards but I let them go because I felt like I was being too picky and acting like I was too good for people. I wanted to be more humble. He took me very seriously. We got engaged and married within 4 months. Everything moved quickly. I had never dated because I wasn’t interested in dating as a teenager. I only believed in dating to marry. So I was naïve and missed a lot of red flags. As expected, the marriage went south quickly.
The reason I’m asking this is because I see so many men these days bashing single mothers. Especially black single mothers like myself. People assume the absolute worst about us. My ex even said that he wouldn’t date a single mother even though he was a single father. This was after I was already pregnant. When I would tell him I’m leaving, he told me, “now you’re just a single mother that I already had and nobody will want you.” I felt so broken when he said stuff like that so I would go right back to him.
I know people who were single parents and got married to loving spouses and are still together after 20+ years. But these days it seems like that isn’t happening. I even hear guys say that single mothers shouldn’t expect monogamy.
My expectations are realistic. I’d prefer a guy with a kid. I’m by no means ugly or out of shape. I can take care of myself. I’m not opposed to staying single for the rest of my life. It’s probably the safer option. But it would be nice to experience true love and a happy monogamous marriage one day.
36 comments
Sure. Have you not seen those videos of the kids asking their step parent to adopt them. Instant tear jerker. You just have to find them
Yes and no.
It really depends on the type of person you are. You’re personality, how much love and affection you give ect.
The type of person you are
The right guy will definitely take you seriously. I think the biggest problem is that guys don’t want to deal with the ex being part of his life.
*I even hear guys say that single mothers shouldn’t expect monogamy.*
They might get it. But it’s not wise to expect it.
I take single moms very seriously and they have my sympathies; I can’t look down on a whole group that makes up a portion of my friend group.
I wouldn’t ever be in a relationship with one though, and not for moralistic or judgmental reasons. The trauma I endured from my stepdad has left me with this intense, crippling fear of ever becoming anything like him lmao
No.
Absolutely. It’s not for everyone but there are plenty of people that would be happy to date a single mother and even be a fatherly figure to the child. Especially if you’re willing to date single dads.
You deserve to be valued and respected just as much as everyone else. Do not settle for less than that.
37 year old male here. I would never date a single mom.
You are not going to find a lot of guys your age (22) who want to be involved with someone with a 1 year old. They may want to have sex, but nothing where they become a father figure for the kid. That’s the reality.
It really depends, no right answers. But most men would prefer a woman without kids.
Of course, why not?
There are some who don’t wanna deal with it, and there are some who do. You just have to find the right one.
It’s crazy how men treat single mothers, then turn around and knock a woman up then leave her. And then guess what… they’re a single dad. Except women don’t shit all over single dads like men do to single moms. Sometimes men as a gender make it hard to not hate them.
But there are good ones out there. One of my exes, the best guy I ever dated, has married a single mom and adopted her boy. They are having another kid together, and he treats her like gold.
It’s hard to tell if it’s the majority of men who are shit or if it’s just the loud minority, but either way there are good ones, it just takes some time to find one cause they do seem to be rare.
31 M, I would consider dating a single mother as much as any other woman. Granted, it would depend how much drama dad would be bringing to the table. But her personality and outlook on life would be the ultimate determining factor in the situation. We are out there. Just value yourself, be confident, and avoid acting insecure. You’ll find your person one day 🙂
The only way I see this work is if the other guy is also a single parent and he is the main caretaker for his kid, since he will understand well your struggles. If he is just a single dad but the kid is with the mother there is a good chance he is just like your ex. Now this pool of guys is very small, specially at your age range but not impossible I’ll say.
Im a single mom, and I would not date a single dad again unless the mother is not in the picture at all, the father is not in our lives at all so yeah I’d want the same.
I would not mind at all. But then again I’m in my late 30’s, so I’m in a different life stage than guys in their 20’s. When I was 22, I probably wouldn’t have given a single mom a chance. But now that I’m older, established, experienced, and not out partying all the time, I would absolutely date a single mom if we clicked well. And this isn’t out of desperation or anything. I feel the most confident and have the most self-respect I ever have in my life right now. My “qualifiers” have simply changed and kids aren’t one of them anymore.
I wouldn’t but I know men who will, you just have to find someone willing to do so and they do exist m
When I was in my 20s I dated single moms. The real problem is if you don’t have a reliable sitter. I personally wouldn’t meet the kid till we had at least a year under our belt.
To answer your question. I would not take you seriously, because in this day and age, with the pandemic of single mothers, I would doubt your decission making abilities and basic common sense.
Your decission making, in regards to this whole situation, has led you to the path of single motherhood.
He did what he did. You only control your own actions. I am sure you love your child, and you are doing your best to be a good mother.
I have dated single mothers in the past, and it always ended up in disaster for me. Emotionaly and yes, financially too.
I don’t date now. I am childfree, and I will stay childfree. I am not interested in single mothers, nor do I care why they became single mothers.
5 times was enough to show me. It is not worth the risks dating a single mother brings.
For example, baby daddy drama and so on.
I am harshly judged by single mothers when I gently refuse to date them and by women in general for my stand why I do not date single mothers. Judging is from being insecure to being hateful and discriminating.
Stay safe, and best of luck.
Listen, your ex was just being an ass by telling you that no one would be interested. He was trying to break your spirit. So glad you aren’t with him anymore. I was a young single mom (1st husband decided he liked drugs/alcohol more than being a husband and father so I divorced him) and after a few years I did find someone that loved me and my son. After 5 years together we got married and had a son together. This was a long time ago-my kids are in their 30’s now- and my husband has since passed but he did treat my oldest son like his own. There are good men out there that will love you and your child. Do not settle on some loser that will make you feel bad in anyway shape or form. Keep your chin up and be proud of who you are, the whole of you.
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Plenty of guys out there wouldn’t hold it against you if you’re a good parent. Just like plenty of guys aren’t a stickler about age either. The a-holes in society are always the loudest with their opinions so that’ll help you know who to avoid in the long run lol. If someone counts you out because of your past mistakes, guess what? They aren’t the person for you. Simple as that.
Just DO be extra careful about who you let into your life. Some losers will see single mom’s as some kind of easy target. Make sure you vet & get to know potentials for a good long while (at least 6 months to a yr) before ever considering introducing them to your kid.
as someone who has dated as a single mom, yes – men will date you. i find the internet is full of people who bash single moms but it’s not as hard in reality.
I’m older so maybe somebody your age might have a different response, but I would love to meet a woman with kid(s). I did date a mother of two a few years ago and we all had a great time. One thing I liked about dating a mother with kids is that sometimes if she was a little clingy, she was forced to spend time with her kids so it almost was a safety valve for me.
But in short kids are cool.
Yes of course. But you need to understand a guy will never love your kid like you do. You need to be aware and mindful of any concerning behaviors and backgrounds that you notice when you start dating someone. Boyfriends harm girlfriends kids all the time…you hear these horrible stories in the news and I am sick of it. Mom dates the biggest loser who usually does not have a job to play babysitter and the kid is harmed.
you are young and need to be careful here. Most guys your age are not mature enough to deal with someone else’s kid unless they happen to have a kid themselves and are involved and an active parent.
Make good choices. Date men who have a kid and are educated and or gainfully employed. Avoid guys who have been to prison, in jail, have trouble keeping a job or uses drugs. These are guys that are not worth you or your kids time.
Stop listening to what other “guys” supposedly think. They can say all they want they will never date a single mom but once they meet a woman they cant resist they may change their mind.
Put your kid first, love life second and you will likely meet someone who will embrace you and your child. Have high standards..do not lower them. One day it will all fall into place.
With the right guy, they won’t care. Just remember you deserve happiness in your personal adult life as well as the joy of being a loving responsible parent.
Be picky and go at whatever speed you are comfortable with. The right guy will have ZERO issues
A man in a similar situation, I definitely think so.
You’re ex was mean. Plenty of men are fine dating single mothers, establish your motives early on, casual, interested in more and then try and find a way to have a relationship and your family separately, because your 1st priority will be your child and that has to be clear.
Take some time to raise your child and get yourself into a good routine before diving in. I think you’ll find older men 28+ are more suitable because of lifestyle choices, younger guys aren’t ready for the responsibility and keep the drama at a minimum when it comes to baby daddy. It will happen at some stage.
Yes, you will find someone eventually now that you know better you’ll do better. I hate you ex by the way he did all of that intentionally probably saw that you were inexperienced and took advantage. It is harder for black single mothers but keep yourself up, worry about you and your son continue striving for better and someone will come for you. Just date longer and lookout for his character. Don’t ever let another man talk to you the way your ex did and if he does drop him immediately.
As a divorced dad (m35+), definitely.
Realistically a large portion of my dating pool when I start dating again (same as you, not dating right now) will be single/divorced moms, and honestly, I have no idea how I feel about possibly becoming a step dad or whatever. I’m not exactly looking forward to it honestly, on the other hand every woman I date would become a step mom to my daughter vice versa.
Ideally I’d want to date a woman who doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want any, but is ok with dating a man with a child. That’s gotta be rare though I guess.
So possible patchwork family it might be at some point, which … phew.
Just the idea of having a relationship with a woman, our kids becoming step siblings or whatever and us possibly splitting again at some point (not too confident in the durability of relationships anymore) … I’d be able to deal with it, but I have no idea what that’d be like for the children.
I take single mothers seriously.
But I’ve dated enough of them that I wouldn’t want to date them again either. I’m 34 and I would like to have a family. But single mothers just have a number of inherent things that I just cannot live with. I would really love for a woman to have her attention fully on me – not split with her child. I’ve felt that attention split and it’s bad. I have to set myself to a side and it really hurts, you know?
I dated someone with kids. Never again.
I’m always expected to provide, pay or have somewhat involvement in the financial security of the child with none of the authority or respect.
Then there’s the child themselves, they’ll never respect the step father like they would the original father.
I also was attached to my ex’s kids, they were great but she was very unstable. Mentally, financially. It’s just over all exhausting to date a single mom for various reasons.
It’s high risk low reward.
I can only parrot what everyone else has said, as a 21M with no kids I do not fuck with people with kids, no matter the backstory
Edit: though I expect to be more tolerable the older I get.
Tbh from what i see in my surrounding single mother’s seem to date/get married pretty much equally often as women with no children.
In fact, among those i knew alot of them started dating seriously while their children were just about 2-3yo (ofc, if they divorced early on) and they are either still dating those people or got married to them.
I actually only met women with children who choose to only date casually or don’t date cuz they don’t want that while their child is still young…but never heard any saying that men don’t want them cuz of having a child.
Also, most of them date/marry guys around their own age and whats crazy is that those more often seem to be men with no children, rather than single dads.
Now, i’ll assume that things might differ depending on one’s surrounding, culture or whatever…so maybe it’s harsh for some people somewhere..Still, i wouldn’t assume that “nobody wants to date/marry a single mother”…and this just seems like one of the things thats only widely spread on the internet…or by certain toxic individuals such is your ex (cuz lets be real, he said it to manipulate and control you).
relationships take time and single mothers don’t have a lot of it