What do you do if his kinks sound traumatizing to you? (MF35) We’ve been married 12 years and have been pretty vanilla. We’re both coming into more of a sexual awareness and trying new things. I’m all for having links and fantasies, but what if he’s expressed that he would love to see me with another woman, but I absolutely could not share. It would mess me up psychologically to even try it. He’s never tried to force it on me, but every time he brings it up it makes me feel like I’m not enough and I can never fulfill his desires.
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If you’ve said you don’t want to do it, why does he keep bringing it up repeatedly?
I think most men want to have a FFM threesome, and I also believe most women don’t want to indulge in this fantasy with their husband or boyfriend. So, most guys just have to accept that they won’t have a threesome with their wife / girlfriend and deal with it.
Have you voiced your feelings on this to him when he brings it up? He has the right to say he’s interested in it, but you have the right to say you’re not comfortable with that, for whatever reasons. And he should be respectful of it.
People’s kinks don’t always line up. You could try to find another activity he’s interested in, that you’re more comfortable with. But stand your ground, tell him why and if he tries to argue to get you to do what he wants, tell him to kick rocks lmao
I’m not sure why but people today don’t seem to realize that you can have something that turns you on without needing to indulge in it in the real world. He can probably get some enjoyment out of this fantasy by both of you using your imagination and words! A fantasy is the activity of imagining something that is unlikely to happen. That’s what’s fun/sexy about it. It’s not real, it’s imaginary and that’s what makes it both safe and exciting. You can engage in this by talking about what he’d want you to with another woman, without actually being with one. Pretend it’s story-time. Be creative with your words (both of you).
In my case I’m pretty sure I would enjoy a number of things that my partner would find disgusting but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy without those things. I personally don’t value monogamy like most people seem to but I’m still happy to be monogamous for my partner. I didn’t tell her how I really feel about monogamy early in our relationship because I figured if she needs monogamy and I can be happy in a monogamous relationship there’s no need to generate insecurities on her part by letting her know that it isn’t important to me like it is for her. However we are very close with each other and don’t really have secrets so it eventually came out in a conversation where she expressed that she can’t imagine enjoying polyamory. Me telling her how I feel did lead to doubts on her part just like I had feared. However I would say we have been brought closer by discovering that we both still very much want our relationship even after discovering some diverging perspectives through openly expressing and talking about our true feelings. I have never requested a poly relationship and don’t need one to be happy so I don’t feel that this makes us incompatible at all. She was worried that I want more or that I will eventually become unhappy etc for a while. I make it a point to regularly reassure her that I love her and want the relationship etc and she does the same. I think this has done wonders as far as building both our confidence in the relationship.
I would suggest talking to your husband about this. Have you explained in detail how the idea of sex with someone else makes you feel and why it would be traumatizing to you etc instead of simply saying not happening? Have you told him that bringing it up is making you feel like you’re not enough? You can’t just assume a partner knows these things so if you haven’t told him he might not realize. Of course such conversations are deeply personal so feeling safe to engage in them requires feeling safe to do so. What do you think his response to you telling him how you feel about these things and how his actions are making you feel would be? Such a conversation would probably do wonders to make you feel better if he responds in a caring way and makes efforts to reassure you,stop actions that are causing you insecurity etc
My wife cannot satisfy my kink, we have a rich, rewarding sex life and I’m happy I’m going to get to spend the rest of my life with her. Let him know how you feel, vulnerability is important for intimacy. We’ve found some creative compromises but communicating about things that are hard to communicate about is important.