Men who’s spouse has died, how did you keep going?

17 comments

1. My husband is 23 years older than me. This thought crosses my mind every day. He is the light of my life, and I quite honestly have no idea how I’ll live without him. Life isn’t fair sometimes. 😞

2. Family chipped in to help me!!!

3. All of our friends and family were so devastated after he died unexpectedly, I couldn’t imagine purposefully making them all go through that experience again.

   Time, therapy, and just putting one foot in front of the other. I actually don’t remember those first few months at all after the funeral adrenaline died down and I was just living by myself going through my routine… but I can look through my credit card history to see that I was still eating, cooking, and taking care of our pets every day.

   It’s all kind of a blur until I had a mental breakdown like 4 months later and decided that I should probably start therapy.

4. My wife died over ten years ago. It wasn’t sudden. She was sick for several years leading up to her passing so it wasn’t a surprise. She was only 32 and I was 34 when she died.

   As far as continuing, it sounds cliche but one day at a time.

   I got caught in a loop of sadness at first, just ruminating and reminiscing. My dad took me aside and pushed me to go make some memories after her death. Not to disrespect her, or forget about her. Just to learn how to live again in the awful After.

   So, I did that. I traveled a lot, lost weight, and finished two graduate degrees. I’m gearing up for my PhD now. I am fundamentally a different person now than I was.

   But…….

   I still think of her every day. I talk to her memory all the time. Every few weeks I purposefully wander down memory lane and cry my eyes out.

   I was lucky to be her husband for eleven years. Even though she has been gone for over a decade now, I still love her and always will.

5. At first it was hour by hour. Now that two years have gone by I’m starting to put the pieces of my life back together. I try and stay busy. I volunteer a lot, go see music. I don’t tell new people I meet about my marital situation until it becomes unavoidable. My next step is to sell the house we shared together, and maybe even change cities/states. I have a really low interest rate on my mortgage which is why I haven’t done it yet.

6. My wife passed of 20-years away earlier this month. Taking each day at a time, we had two kids together, 11 and 17, and we were caring for her elderly parents who live with us and we care for. The is a level of responsibility there that helps, certainly keeps me busy. I’ll say the quiet and darkness of night is the hardest part.

   I’d suggest going to a grief counseling group, and start try to find who you are without them.

7. When my first wife passsd away, I went back to work a week later because all I was doing at home was dwelling on my loss. I had to work out how my life was going to be without her in it. I established new routines. I even started leaving the tv on all night just so the bedroom didn’t feel so lonely.

8. We were 42. Breast cancer.

   At first: Not by choice.
   Somehow I just kept breathing.

   After a few months I adopted the mantra “One foot in front of the other” and that kept me moving forward.

9. I keep going on because my late wife was one of the finest human beings to grace this earth, and not moving forward would be insulting to her memory.

   I’m dating a new, wonderful girl who I think is someone I could build something special with. I can help build that because my late wife helped me understand what was actually important in this life, and let all the other bullshit slide downhill.

   I will forever miss her, love her, but I will also move forward and love the shit out of someone else.

   That’s how 👍

10. My wife died from cancer when she was 32. She left me with an amazing little girl to raise, who inspireds me everyday and a will to live life to its fullest knowing how fragile it can be.

11. Lost my second wife to cancer at 36 years old we had 4 children all teens one from my first marriage but then 2years before she passed we adopted 2 twin. Boys they were my nephews and only 18 months old my daughter and her son were the youngest and they were both 15 yrs old so alot of age differences after she passed o took 6 months off from. My business and stayed with the kids .
    But I had to go back after that it drove me crazy at home we traveled alot across the States but I was lonely did it for the kids .

    But now my gf together for 12 and a half yrs has cancer stage 3 colorectal cancer it’s not good probably will lose another one at 54 yrs old you have to remember that part of them is with you forever they don’t and never wanted to make you sad. And give up so you just have to keep your head up and stay focused, it sucks I know but you can’t just curl up in a ball and cry .

12. God damn it I’m tearing up reading these replies. Partly because they’re so sad but it’s also making me think of how I’d handle it if my gf-but-basically-wife died.

13. Wife died in July 23, 2023 a date that I won’t forget ? Not easy getting a clear head some days it feels like your walking around in a fog. It’s taken these last 5 months to finally get a grip ? Still not sleeping good and have woken up because I think I hear my wife calling my name… clear as day… because I had to take her to bathroom she would call for me.. Anyway I know I’m still healing but like I said feeling better ?

14. I am a planner, e.g. I have the topic for everyday for the classes I teach for the rest of the school year done and I am planning for next year. After my wife died I couldn’t plan ahead. Seriously. I didn’t know what I would have for dinner while I was eating lunch because I literally couldn’t picture my future without her. I also lost the nuance in taste. All white wines and all red wines tasted the same. I had to sample a quarter of the produce section to retrain my brain.

    Then, the anger came. I was angry all the time. I would lose my temper at the slightest provocation.

    I didn’t like the man I was, so I started therapy. My therapist gave me some strategies for how to grieve. I can’t recommend Worden’s tasks of grieving enough.

    Three years and change later I am back to my happy, easygoing, giving, and planning self.

    My wife was the love of my life, so I’m not interested in being romantically involved. I got to spend three years with my soulmate, and I want everyone to experience that kind of love.

    The adage “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is true for me. Even through cancer she made everything about me better. She brought out the very best in me. She defined what it means to love and to be loved for me. I hope everyone has that happen to them.

15. Had to outrun the law.

16. Wasn’t married yet, but I was with my fiancee for 9 years. We would have been married sooner, as we got engaged on Christmas 2019, but COVID happened.

    Came home from work on May 19, 2022 and found her laying on our bed… She had taken her own life.

    For the first couple of weeks I was absolutely numb and distraught. Barely ate, barely slept. My folks and friends had to pack my apartment for me as I couldn’t even be in the building for very long without breaking down.

    The next few months are a bit of a blur, went back to work after some time off. Moved back in with my parents. Spent time with friends. Got into therapy.

    It was far from easy, for the longest time I could not even try to think about her without seeing the image of how I found her. I developed PTSD from it. Even still to this day, that image still haunts me.

    But gradually, as time passes, you start to get “better”. I say that as in it doesn’t really hurt any less, you just learn to live with the hurt and adapt.

    She left me a note saying she wanted me to find someone else and be happy. I was happy with her, but her depression wouldn’t let her see it.

    I have since moved out of my folks house, and I am dating a new wonderful woman with whom I feel I have a second chance at happiness. I feel like it was my late fiancee guiding me in this.

17. If something ever happens to her my plan is to eat myself to death.

    She got me in the train to eat healthy and get in shape and it feels amazing but without her in my life I really don’t see the point.