How have you recovered from being raised in sexual shame?
Growing up and into adolescence no one in my family, extended family, or family friends talked about sex. When I was 13 my mom handed me a book about Jesus and sex, but I remember reading it and still knowing nothing about sex.
No one even acknowledged that teenagers want to date. When I finally got honest and mentioned wanting a girlfriend I’d get asked “why?”. Strict curfew, teased by family for talking to girls, teased by friends for not having a girlfriend, no one to talk to about this.
Basically as an adult I’m getting out of an LTR that became sexless. In my mind I’m open to intimacy and have no moral objections to lots of types of sex. In practice I react and am hesitant and overwhelmed. I feel like a teenager about to be teased again if friends even start talking about sex.
3 comments
still working on that one honestly. my “sex talk” was “don’t do it until you’re married” when i didn’t even know what IT was. i was completely unprepared for my first time because i had no knowledge.
Yes! I have come from having anxiety attacks after losing my virginity and feeling like I was a sinner and dirty, to realizing sexual urges are innately human, not wrong, and a basic need for healthy sexuality. Realizing sex is something that takes practice and that you are allowed to be human in figuring out how to have sex. Mistakes will happen, some days you will be more “on” than others, but also the person you are having sex with is human too and experiences the same mistakes, on days/off days, and so on. The pressure to perform is totally real, and real for both parties involved. The right partner makes all difference too. If you can be honest about your struggles with your partner and they can be understanding to create a safe environment where mistakes can be made and learning can happen, that will help relax those anxieties over time.
That could have been written by me, except there was no religious aspect to it in my household. Particularly this:
“No one even acknowledged that teenagers want to date. When I finally got honest and mentioned wanting a girlfriend I’d get asked “why?”. Strict curfew, teased by family for talking to girls, teased by friends for not having a girlfriend, no one to talk to about this.”
I did end up starting to date and lost my virginity at a normal age (18), though it did definitely lead to feelings of guilt for ‘betraying’ my parents, particularly my mom. Instead of being like a typical guy at that age going around boasting about it, i felt very conflicted and carried a huge sense of shame, like it was a dirty secret. Looking back, I had emotional incest among other issues to deal with as an adolescent and young adult. My background story would be better suited for r/raisedbynarcissists so I won’t go too much more into it here.
As I got older and started to break out of my shell i began to accept that sex is normal and healthy, as long as everyone’s boundaries and bodily autonomy are respected. Regarding your recent situation, some relationships don’t work out. I found that out the hard way, as do most others. Lack of sexual interest on the part of one or more partners is definitely a red flag in a relationship, but that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with your background and upbringing. The breakup was probably a blessing in disguise. I would say put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to talk to girls. Make eye contact with them (though not too much) when talking and try to gauge their expressions. Show interest in them and what they are talking about, and don’t take any rejections personally. More practice will make you more adept at handling these situations. Also, if you feel your friends might mock you, I might try to find less toxic or immature people to associate with.