I (34F) had been seeing him (30M) for a little over 2 months, but decided to end it a couple of days ago. And am now in that mindset of have I jumped the gun or did I make the right choice for me, and would love an outside perspective.
He’s a great guy, who shares the same goals and likes as I, and we connected through that.
He works extremely long hours, often through weekends and holidays, as do I. So our dates were often on borrowed time, sometimes only 1h long, which made it extremely difficult to actually develop a bond/chemistry.
Most of our dates were going out for dinner, which makes it even more difficult to have a proper prolonged deep conversation. Even so, he was always so tired and lacked focus. I was also tired, of course, but made the effort to be present. Our dates were never fun because he was always so exhausted, but then again, 2 months worth of dates, I wondered if that’s just his personality.
He had to cancel plans a few times, and it really bothered me that I would try to suggest a date other than eating out, so I could see him in different scenarios, but he was always too tired to do anything different.
All of this is understandable, as I am also juggling a full time job and a business on the side. But I’ve learned to find a balance and ensure that my free time is quality time. While he, who’s not only in the early stages of his career in law but also in the process of buying a house, seems to be in an overwhelming stage of his life where he doesn’t have the stamina to woo someone. Worth noting that he’s never been in a LTR.
It often felt like we were 5 years into the relationship, and it was at a boring stage of the partnership.
All to say, I really care for him, and he cared for me. We had a plethora of date ideas for the future that sounded exciting. I’m a goofy person, and love being silly, and I always envisioned myself with someone who would be equally playful. And I wasn’t getting that from him.
But now I’m questioning if I’m being too harsh considering his busyness, or being too picky by wanting that quality in a person and wanting a little more effort on dates to make me feel excited (because I like doing that for my partners) consequently ignoring the other qualities along the way, or if I was right to expect a little magic in the early stages of dating and to set boundaries in order to be truthful to the kind of partnership I feel will bring me joy?
He recognized putting me in the back burner when we talked, so it felt good to have that validation. I’m just really sad and confused, any thoughts is appreciated.
EDIT: thank you so much for all the pep talk. It helped ease my worries, and it’s all really insightful. I appreciate you taking the time to read and reply.
32 comments
Who knows, even though it’s just a sample size, 2 months is enough to get an idea of how someone is. Obviously there’s redeeming factors to this person, but 2 months and none of the dates were fun? Yikes. Maybe it would have changed due to X reason, but at this point, that’s a hope more than an expectation. Whether it’s because he’s too tired or just not that fun to be around, both roads lead to the same destination, an underwhelming dating experience. Would cancel (an insight into the future) with no real energy to do anything else other than something you already know is boring. Theoretically, things could have turned a corner after x months, but based on what you wrote, I don’t see how that’s any more than optimism. Go with what it is rather than what you want it to be
I don’t care how busy someone is, if someone is truly interested, they make time for the people and experiences they want to have in their life. I’ve said this over and over, if someone is saying they’re too busy to talk on the phone, schedule a date, send a few texts, more often than not, they’re just choosing not to make you a priority. Friends, family, sports, video games, travel, etc… it always comes first 🤷🏻♀️
Pull your self esteem up by the bootstraps please and tell your second guesser that you deserve to have (and will) find someone who is available for dates with whom you will have deep conversation.
You don’t need to settle for being a boring married couple where the husband is a workaholic 2 months into dating. You can do better than that and if you truly believed that, you wouldn’t be second guessing yourself
Sad and confused sounds pretty normal for this sort of situation. At this age, if you’re single, there’s usually a reason for it, and it’s not always a character flaw. His work schedule and exhaustion sound like the reason why he’s “available” even if he’s not actually able to invest in a relationship.
If you really think he’s got potential *and* he has a defined exit plan, you could give it time and check in next year, maybe. But it doesn’t sound like he plans on changing, and there’s basically no way he could sustain anything meaningful like that. Just chalk it up as a loss, find something to distract yourself with for the next week, and find a way to get your optimism back for the next person you meet!
It shouldn’t feel like pulling teeth just two months in. One thing that I’m learning to accept is that sometimes really great people enter our lives and the timing just isn’t right to result in the type of relationship that we’re hoping for.
It can be tough because it feels like something good is just out of reach, but two months is enough time to collect data points indicating this relationship won’t reach that full potential for the foreseeable future.
Don’t second guess yourself – you deserve someone who has learned to manage and prioritize their time correctly, and after only two months, it’s not your job to suffer through it while someone figures it out.
No one is ever too busy if they really like you. I work at a large law firm, and I see many of the attorneys date, get engaged, buy house, have children and get married. They work a lot but they also make time for what is important to them. Sounds like you both weren’t really into each other. I think you made the right decision, now go and find that goofy/silly/playful person. He’s out there
I don’t think you jumped the gun, I think you weren’t really feeling it with him.
It sounds like he is a great person, you sound like a great person yourself. I think it’s pretty clear you’ve both got a lot to juggle and it’s shown how differently you prioritize things and also in how you both find enjoyment in relationships. There’s no real bad guy here. It just wasn’t a good match. He won’t be the last person you connect with, the next person will be better for you because you know a bit more of what you need in a relationship
God I wish I was at the 5 year point of the relationship with anyone.
>also in the process of buying a house,
If you want to, maybe try after this part of things is done and they are settled in.
I disagree with some of the opinions here, sometime you are absolutely dead, but see a chance to make something happen that you really want, so you drag your carcass around to try and make it happen. There’s no reason that you should or shouldn’t see this person at a later point in time, but it seems clear that at this point in time they can’t give you what you need.
Oof, this sounds tough. I think you did the right thing in breaking up. It sounds like he was not in a place to prioritize a relationship the way that a new relationship needs to be. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it does make him a bad partner and ultimately an negative energy in your life that is causing you more stress than joy which just should not be the case 2 months into dating. If a few months pass and you think you’re still interested in him, you can always try to reconnect and see if things are more settled for him with the house/work situation and if he might have more time and energy to give the relationship a real shot.
Sounds like you put yourself first. Everyone is different and buying a house for the first and second time is a bitch ! Work also… I can only imagine a new law career… still – it seems like he misrepresented himself and isn’t self aware to know who he is and what he has to offer – or deliver when it’s time to be present.
Seriously sounds like you made the right decision- someone will make time for you as you were him and be able to be present during those one hour dinners 🙂
Sorry you are sad- but better you put you – first.
As a guy who struggles with making time for dates, you did the right thing, you are only second guessing because he was probably one of the best you have dated so far, he wants to date but doesn’t want the responsibility since he’s busy, he has other things occupying his time and probably(assuming he thinks like me)dreads going to a date since he just wants to do what he wants when he wants, sometimes we end liking somebody because we should, inside though he knows he’s not that interested but doesn’t want to be alone.
Good for you putting yourself first! It doesn’t sound like the relationship was fulfilling you at all. One thing I’ll add – as a very playful person too, please wait and find someone who has that/responds to it. I dated a few people who were more serious, and then dated a more playful/fun guy, and it was honestly worlds apart. Being able to have fun in a relationship is so important and it’s definitely part of the bonding experience.
It sounds to me like you really fell for his potential and not his reality. He didn’t put in much effort and didn’t make you a priority. If you think things are bad now — Imagine what your life would look like after you’ve been married for several years and the fuzzy feelings are gone. Add in a stressful career, long hours, possible marriage and children.. Sounds like a nightmare.
Doesn’t sound like you’re high up enough on the priority list.
Rather than cut and run, as it sounds like he’s a decent guy, could you explain how you feel and give it a few more dates? It could be the wake up call he needs
He doesn’t sound emotionally available because he isn’t even available at all with his time. Sure, it could get better, but realistically if he’s in the first budding years of his career, it’s likely gonna take at least another year, if not several years, for him to get to a place where he feels like he can handle both his job and a romantic relationship.
He’s just not there yet, and we don’t know how long it’ll take for him to get there. And once he gets there, what guarantees do you have that you’re still be the person he wants to be with at that point? How do we know that, once he gets to a comfortable point in his career, that in the time he spent getting to that point he would still be the same person who still wants the same things?
There are too many variables to put all your eggs in this basket, imo. Maybe you can leave things open and tell him to contact you again when he’s more available, but end it so you have the time and energy to find someone who would be excited to be with you and you would be excited to be with.
The seeds of a relationship’s destruction are typically planted in the first two months. This person prioritizes work above all to such a large degree that you would always feel unimportant. By staying with this person you would sanction your own poor treatment. This would have been an ongoing theme in your relationship and probably would have gotten worse with time.
You already made the right call. You should just stick to it.
This is the sad story of when two corporate partners meet
No one is too busy for anything. He didn’t show any effort, OP. Dates should be fun, especially in the beginning. I know dating is exhausting, but that doesn’t mean you should question your decision and go back to him.
Timing is everything. It’s understandable that he couldn’t make time for fulfilling dates and variety…and it’s equally understandable that you want more than to be on the back burner.
Sounds like you did the right thing.
I’m a big fan of hitting pause instead of ending things. It leaves the door open to more, and over time there’s space to wonder about your partners whereabouts.
Leave the invitation to revisit on the table, but move along emotionally.
I’m almost in a similar boat to your situation right now. However, for the right person, people will move mountains to make things happen. If he is not making you feel that way, let this one go. Good luck! ❤️
I would say right person wrong time, but you said it yourself…his personality isn’t what you hope you’d date. So are you investing in what, his potential, for being in law school?? Very confused. Sounds like wrong person wrong time?
Sounds like he doesn’t have the time or energy for a relationship, let alone dating. This isn’t an issue with boundaries. This is him not making room for a partner in his life. I think you were right to walk away.
It sounds like you have a similar personality to me (playful and love to do different fun activities to avoid becoming bored or restless). I would not be able to last 2 months with this guy. Your happiness matters.
I work in finance and my weeks can range from 80-100 hours. Everyone in the office have this schedule AND most manage relationships. Is it easy? Absolutely not. Do you feel guilt if you have to cancel due to work blowing up? Yes. And… if you prioritize connections with others, you find a way to make it work. You put the effort in and you communicate. Don’t second guess yourself here. This guy obviously is very stressed and overwhelmed… and can’t seem to put the effort in to be remotely creative in planning something other than a dinner with you. This is not your match. You deserve someone who is going to also think about your needs and wants. You are bringing a lot to the table. He needs to match the effort.
“our dates were never fun” trust your gut, normal to feel the loss of some attachment but you deserve better
*Our dates were never fun because he was always so exhausted*
Reread this. You did not enjoy these dates. You are not enjoying dating him. Your choice is perfectly valid!
Look maybe in the future he will have more time for dating and hit you up.
He’s too busy to date with the endgame of a meaningful connection. Unless he came into this wanting something casual, he either needs to make the time, or ya’ll need to part ways so he can go about conquering the world
100% the right decision. You can’t date a potential, unknown future version of him. You can only date who he is now. And doesn’t sound like he’s ready or willing to be in a real relationship.
While he, who’s not only in the early stages of his career in law but also in the process of buying a house, seems to be in an overwhelming stage of his life where he doesn’t have the stamina to woo someone.
fuckin lawyers why would you do that to yourself, hes not going to see the sun for the next 5 yrs. if you are on the back burner then you are on the back burner, whats going to change?
I’m a very busy Man, i am pursuing goals that don’t really coincide with dating and I just am genuinely not even looking actively for a person. However, a man knows early on the long term potential with a girl. Some in days, some in a couple of months and if a man is really feeling a girl, she becomes a huge priority and you would feel it. You did the right thing. Maybe on paper you two were compatible, but for whatever reason he didn’t feel motivated to make you a serious priority and when you ended things he didn’t even put up a fight or try to keep it going? Move on. 🙂
>I’m a goofy person, and love being silly, and I always envisioned myself with someone who would be equally playful. And I wasn’t getting that from him.
This says all you need to know. Even without all the other factors, which also seem bad.
I’m the same as you. Need that playfulness and laughter. I firmly believe funny people are always pretty funny even when tired. We all get in low moods, but you’ve seen enough of him that the playful side should’ve shown by now if it was going to. Unfortunately, a lot of people just don’t seem to have a very playful side.
Man has tons of things going on and you wanna annoy him about the kind of dates lol.