My friend has been married for the last 15 years to a man she has repeatedly called a clueless man child idiot. Every now and then, she writes long text messages to our chat group ranting about wanting him to die and being forced to be a mother to a kid she did not want to have. I have ignored her in the past but will sometimes try to be understanding and lend an ear. Their relationship is super toxic and she has told us she is only with him because his salary helps her take care of her aging parents.
The last several years, she has been making decent money and I have spoken to her about getting divorced. She hasn’t and continues to make snippy comments about her husband and his family. One day, I just snapped and told her that venting is only healthy if there is eventually some sort of resolution and that I respect her too much coddle her. I told her she was the one putting herself in this situation and I do not care to listen to her vent anymore. She has been very quiet since then.
I know I irrevocably damaged our friendship and a big part of me wants to just end things permanently. I do not think we have that much in common anymore. However, we have known each other since elementary school (for about 30 years) and the memories of good times shared is making me hesitate. She has also been a good friend in the past when I was going through my own difficulties. We also share a lot of mutual friends which would make things awkward at friend gatherings.
What do you think I should do?
2 comments
I would apologize for the outburst, but that the message behind it still stand. She is complaining and literally said she wants him dead. How is that healthy? She either takes actions by divorcing or marriage counseling and separately as well, but you’d prefer not to hear it anymore about it anymore.
Why the hell is she with him if she doesn’t seem to like or respect him? I thought we as a society have moved past the idea that marriages are supposed to be miserable, or at least the millennial and Gen Z generations did (40 is millennial).
Anyway, yeah you probably could have handled that better, but I understand why you snapped. You can apologize for the outburst, but you’re getting sick of hearing about her awful husband.
Here’s another point: a good relationship is one where you can be upset with each other and deal with it. Not fight, be upset. Also being able to set boundaries. I quietly removed a long time friend a few years back because when I expressed how an action they took upset me, well their response was appalling to say the least, and I realized I’d never trust them again.
Hopefully your friend just needs a little time and you two can reconcile, but if that doesn’t happen, maybe it had run its course.