Me (F31) and my husband (M27) have been together for 6 years. We have two small kids together one of them who has level 3 autism. He works alot of hours a week, I was staying home with the kids but will serve a few nights a week at a restaurant.
We have always had a stable, happy, healthy relationship but drinking or smoking has been an issue almost the entire time. Before kids it was pretty bad drinking every night large amounts but so was I and we were young. As the years go by it gets better and then worse constantly. But he does great at his job, he helps with his kids and maintains a normal life. He was drinking 2 glasses a whiskey every single night. About 6 months ago he switched from drinking to smoking weed every night and drinking on days off. Now before bed he’s very stoned. Again, not the end of the world.
Last night, I get home from work and see he’s drank 4 double IPAs while he was awake with the kids. Tonight, I get home while he’s asleep and see in the trash 12 empty beer cans (bud light 4%). I’m so upset but we’ve been here every few months. We’ve had calm conversations, screaming conversations, suggested therapy, heartfelt apologies but somehow we end right back here. What is left to do? Is this true alcoholism? Blah!
TLDR: husband drinks when watching his kids. Smokes weed every single night. Does this make him an addict.
22 comments
You already know the answer.
Duh. Of coarse it does. But you’re really not that bad off. As long as he is not smoking pot in front of the kids and he is a great father to his kids then you gotta let him deal with his own head in his own way. Just let him know your there to support him
yes. sorry maybe you can try to create other forms of joy with him, addiction always stems from deep-seeded pain or unhappiness.
He’s an addict for years now.
Ever hear the term functioning alcoholic/addict? The are alcoholics but it appears their alcoholism has no noticeable negative impact on their lives. They get up, go to work, etc. Sounds like that’s what you have had on your hands for years. Now he’s just losing the “functioning” part. He may have convinced himself that weed is better so he added that. But it’s not really. It’s just another drug induced form of escapism and coping mechanism. He also feels the need to drink more and he’s doing it while he is caring for his children. This is extremely dangerous.
He needs to face up to the fact that he has a problem and he needs to want to get better. These are not easy feats. He will likely fight you tooth and nail on it. I wish you luck.
In Wisconsin, he’d be considered a “regular Joe”
Elsewhere people will get their panties in a bunch.
Source: regular Joe in Wisconsin. Raised several kids: College graduates, scientists, salesmen, successful, well adjusted, fun people.
I agree that he’s a functional alcoholic. You need to set boundaries for the kids’ sake. As a former child who was driven around by my drunk father a lot, it wasn’t fun and I’m extremely lucky we never crashed.
If he can’t stick to regular boundaries when alone with the kids, you’ve gone from functioning to non-functioning alcoholic.
For now, I would use the tactics that were previously successful in getting him to cut down on drinking. Also, show him articles about the risk of drinking while stoned, as I doubt he wants to leave the children fatherless.
Then, when he’s reduced again, fight the next battle of getting him into outpatient medical treatment. Therapy, medication that will make him sick when he drinks, and the like.
Also, it’s unfair for him to leave childcare to you every single night you’re not working and you should have a discussion about that. You’re ‘on the job’ when he’s working, so when he’s off you should be splitting work. You cannot do that if he’s heavily stoned.
“Maintains a normal life”…until he won’t, OP. Functional addiction doesn’t last forever and then they spiral hard.
And I might argue whether he’s functional, if he’s drinking heavily while watching your children.
I don’t know what your definition of alcoholism is, OP, but yes, he’s an alcoholic.
He’s drinking when watching your small children, including one with autism? I’m sorry, are you waiting for one of your children to get seriously hurt because he’s too drunk to notice something? Will that wake you up?
This man cannot be trusted alone with your children. Period. Frankly, you’ve tried, over and over again, and nothing has helped. Because he’s an addict and YOU cannot force him to take his addiction seriously. You need to leave. I know that isn’t the answer you want, but you do not have the luxury of screwing around with this anymore.
No one has said this yet: google up a list of local Al-Anon meetings. You don’t have to talk—just listen. Bring Kleenex. Keep going. It’s going to give you some reassurance that you’re not alone, and a community that understands (more or less) exactly what you’re going through.
This is addiction.
Your responsibility is primarily to your vulnerable children. They deserve to be raised in a stable environment without addiction.
Legally, you cannot leave your children with this person, knowing that he will drink and smoke himself into incapacity. You will be responsible in the eyes of the law for any and all negative consequences of leaving children alone with a lack of appropriate care.
I’m so sorry, I know none of these strangers’ words on the internet will even begin to approach the level of support and care you deserve while being in such a difficult situation. Do you have friends and family you can lean on for support? The first thing you will need is childcare.
Yes.
Get into couple’s therapy right this second.
Your children will have a higher chance of also becoming addicts if you don’t nip this in the bud NOW. What they see, they will mimic.
Leaving addiction aside, does this trouble you? If it does then think about why, write it down and speak with him. Try not to be accusatory or judgemental. This affects both of you.
This is like my husband, it sometimes is worse and sometimes is better and the vices sometimes change, but the addiction is always there. It’s hard to describe and I don’t think he really gets it. Like in his head if he doesn’t drink Monday to Thursday then it’s ok that he drink a ton every Friday/saturday/sunday. But to me it’s the issue that even if he isn’t drinking he is wanting to, like the countdown to Friday and alcohol being always on his mind. It’s hard because we don’t view alcoholism as a spectrum, or have words for different level, but I think it is.
I think ‘alcohol use disorder’ is a better term than ‘alcoholism’ for a variety of reasons. He is not functioninig and alcohol is preventing him from functioning. If a kid had an emergency he could not drive them to an ER with 12 beers in his system. I would look into the Sinclair method and naltrexone.
He’s always been an addict. Check out Al Anon.
If you have to ask…the answer is yes
Not all addicts are non-functioning. If they do a substance everyday they’re an addict.
I was addicted to heroin. Still paid all my bills, worked, shopped cleaned my house. But I did dope everyday. Just because I wasn’t nodding out at work, having my house foreclosed and sucking dealers dicks for drugs doesn’t mean I wasn’t addicted.
Drinking and weed should be an occasional thing. Bad day? Beer or two. Birthday party? Fine. Weed is a bit different since it’s not as addictive but still, if he is smoking everyday it’s addiction.
I’m sure it hurts to feel like your husband is always just waiting for his next high…that would hurt me. It definitely sounds like an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and weed. That’s tough to contend with, especially when they are functioning well enough and so don’t want to admit they have a problem. I don’t really have much advice but if it’s between weed and alcohol – weed is better. Alcohol invites demons like anger and confusion. Alcohol has the ability to turn you into a different version of yourself. Weed just makes you giggley and sleepy and hungry. I’m not saying that it doesn’t still have its downsides but it won’t pose such a threat to you and your children over time. Nor to him! Weed is way better than alcohol in my opinion.
Yes he’s an alcoholic, the amount doesn’t change it, could be less but from what you describe yes I worked as an addiction nurse and alcohol pts were the most unstable and usually unread to accept they have a problem
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was an “altered” version of themselves whenever I was with them. If drinking (or any other substance) is causing problems, then he has a drinking problem, period.
I agree with others to go to an al-anon meeting. There are online options if there aren’t any nearby or you can’t carve out the time.
It’s been my experience that addicts are *always* using a lot more than you think they are. You think it’s 2 glasses of whiskey, but it’s four standard drinks (big glasses). You think it’s 4 IPAs, but you didn’t see the whiskey because the bottle isn’t in the trash. You think he’s smoking weed, but you didn’t see the edibles. I live in an area with really high rates of alcoholism and drug abuse. I’ve seen it a lot – friends, family, an ex. I have been surprised by the true extent of substance abuse every single time. It doesn’t usually come out until the person is seeking sobriety and willing to discuss it.
Talking isn’t going to help. Screaming isn’t going to help. He is addicted, which means he *can’t quit.* If he could he would have by now. He isn’t going to get this under control unless he understands that it’s out of his control and is willing to seek help.
Evidence supports the idea that AA is helpful but is not more helpful than other interventions. It probably doesn’t matter what he does, but he has to do something. The most important factor for successful addiction treatment is the belief that sobriety is important and possible, not the type of intervention. I think AA helps a lot of people because it reminds them of why they need to be sober and they can see examples of people like them who are leading sober lives.
You can’t make him go to AA or therapy, but you can go to Al-Anon or get therapy for yourself, and you absolutely should.
It seems your husband has a substance use disorder. I did as well, but have recovered. There are several resources to help both you and your husband. Others have mentioned the 12 step approaches (Al-Anon, AA) but I actually found SMART Recovery more helpful. SMART does have meetings and literature for family and friends as well. These are mostly online.