They mostly want to talk about the outer world (science, politics, events) while I want to talk about our inner worlds (feelings, art…). The situation came to the point where we both feel frustrated about this. We have some overlaps, but we both feel unheard for the large part. How can we try to improve this?
We are in a 1 year long relationship. It’s the biggest issue we have. Our sexual chemistry is amazing. We have similar moral values and ways of having fun. But lack of meaningful conversation/intellectual intimacy is killing our bond. I also feel that he judges me for not being too interested in politics or science for example. And I feel not seen/heard because I have to pick specific moments to open up about my emotional world. I had the positive outlook that we can fix this, but I feel like he is thinking about leaving me because of this. He mentioned that we dont have enough in common. I disagree with that actually. But I think he has resistance against opening up. Or resistance about me.
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**TL;DR;**
They mostly want to talk about the outer world (science, politics, events) while I want to talk about our inner worlds (feelings, art…)
4 comments
It sounds like you two just want different things out of a relationship. He doesn’t have to open up like you want. And you don’t have to discuss politics like he wants. But why would you both stay in a relationship that gives neither of you what you want?
This would be a big issue for me because I think good conversation and communication is the most important thing in a relationship, so I can see the concern. However I think it sounds fixable. If you’re both happy with everything else, then it might be the perfect issue to take to a couple’s counsellor. Counselling shouldn’t be reserved for horrible problems, it can also help you both understand one another’s everyday needs better and communicate while things are still happy and fixable.
Edit: I do want to say you should be careful if he’s making comments or implying that his preferred topics are superior to yours. Depth of conversation can come in many different forms and I would worry about anyone who tried to tell you otherwise or make you feel lesser than.
This is pretty sad. I like to believe that if we ask good questions, are curious, do some independent research to show an interest in our partner’s interests, and look for ways to provide feedback that don’t involve being super knowledgeable about specifics (like in your case, commenting on themes, human motivations, what impact the science or politics have on your lives)…that everyone is interesting, ya know? All conversation at that level is engaging.
However, I guess this is not true, for various reasons. What do you think the solutions are? What does he see as solutions? Have you tried any? What is your version of a best case scenario? His? Would that level of intellectual connection meet your needs, or still fall short?
What you have described here is entirely normal and expected, and moving to another partner is unlikely to change this. This is 100% a workable issue that the majority of couples face. This is not some intractable difference you should breakup over.
I can only give very generalized guidance, but the first step is to acknowledge that this difference is normal (you can find plenty of info online that supports this). The second step is to find some compromise where both of you make some steps to meet the other person in the middle.
For example: Try splitting or timeboxing the conversations to your different areas of interest. Try entering the other person’s world, learning its new vocabulary and syntax. Spend more time listening than talking. It’s not unlike learning a new language in some ways. It will be hard at first but trust me, you’ll get there! And then what will happen is that over time, it will just become natural to switch between “modes” and you won’t have to force it.
The truth is that there are bridges to cross with any relationship, and it takes work to maintain them. The grass may look greener on the other side, but the next partner is going to have a new set of bridges that are just as big, if not bigger.
If you’re in any doubt please please contact a professional, because I don’t think your post has gotten enough replies for you to make any definitive judgement (if the wisdom of crowds has any weight to begin with).