I (m27) am in a relationship where my partner (f26) enjoys rather vanilla sex. We do incorporate more toys and lingerie but it’s not regularly and often a one off for the toys or outfits (expensive and wasteful 😅).
With that in mind, I’ve learned that my partner is very willing to explore things with me, at least and most frequently only once. I do appreciate that she’s willing to do this and my expectation is in no way for her to do something that she does not want but nonetheless I still seek the stimulation of addressing and incorporating my fetishes and kinks into my life and sex.
I’ve leaned on numerous outlets such as self play and most recently writing erotica. I get the chance to play my fantasies out and at times I’ll send her snippets and that’ll get us going. Which made me wonder, what do other people in similar situations do?
TLDR: I (m27) have different kinks and fetishes than my partner (f26) and wonder what other people do to address these differences and maintain a healthy sexual relationship.
2 comments
If you find an answer please share it with me? Have my own experiences here
I am a very kinky male, I have a very vanilla partner. Over the course of years we have developed a very kinky dynamic. She doesn’t necessarily get off on the BDSM aspect, but enjoys the me having fun part. I think it is very possible to incorporate BDSM into any relationship. I don’t think it always work, but going slow, helping your partner get accustomed to things, and slowly building intensity I think can be very effective.
My vanilla and kinky partner combo guide is as follows:
Talk to your partner about how your kinks involve him. Stroke their ego. Make them a part of it. BDSM can feel isolating. Your partner can feel inadequate and like they’re not enough. This can look like disinterest, when really its hurt and rejection. So I always tell my partner kink is only fun because it is WITH her
Similar to the above kink can also feel like your partner isn’t enough. They can feel like they can’t satisfy you. They can feel like they don’t know what to do. They can feel overwhelmed, and this can create a vicious anxiety cycle where they think about it so much, they burn themselves out and don’t have the energy to do it.
It okay to schedule sex. My partner and I have Sunday Funday, which is kink focused sex. I generally plan it out, get out the toys, tell her the plan, get myself as close to tied up as possible, and then have her finish up and we have some fun. Basically I try and make it as easy as my partner. There is going to be some compromise with a vanilla person, but thats okay. The goal is simply to be happy and connected. And hitting 75% of the BDSM notes can do this.
Start small. As mentioned above it can be overwhelming. So we always add a single element, and try it 3-5 times before adding more. I think it would be unrealistic to have a whole scene for a vanilla partner without building up. So if you want impact play, just do some spanking before sex. Or just do some arm bondage. Or just add a hitachi being used, etc. Consider BDSM sex a skill, and that your partner needs to build up to it.
After sex, communicate how much you appreciate your partner. Let them know how much you enjoyed their willingness to try out something (even if the session was only okay)
Learn your partners love language. My partner loves long kisses standing up for example. Me less so. But I know that if I kiss her deeply, shes going to get turned on, and in turn enjoys tying me up more. I know that if I give her a back rub she is going to feel loved, and want to reciprocate. The goal here is to fill your partners love cup up. If you do, most partners want to do the same. Also their cup can be non sex related. It can be gifts, quality time, etc. So ask them what causes them to feel loved. Not what causes they to feel horny.
Accept failure. Scenes might suck. That is okay. It important to grow and learn. I always tell my partner she has no pressure. The first 3-5 times are for fun, and exploring, and laughing, and learning, and there is no pressure. I don’t expect to cum. I don’t even expect to enjoy it. Taking the pressure off, really really helps.
I also like to offer an orgasm to my partner before or after kink sex. Basically just makes them feel good. My partner gets sleepy post orgasm, so normally she ties me up, we have some great bondage, I cum, then after we untie me, I pull out the hitachi and get her off. Basically be fair, and make sure your partner has a good time, even if its a bit of taking turns
Accept that it is okay to be selfish. Your partner can get off on you getting off. She doesn’t need to be kinky. You probably give oral, or use toys, or finger her, or sometimes let her get off if you’re not 100% into it. It’s okay for the same to happen to you. I felt really guilty, but the more I let myself enjoy it, and moan and groan, and be vocal, the more my partner enjoyed it. So it’s okay to put yourself first.
Also it doesn’t sound super fun, but give yourselves a long timeline. We started out with some simple restraints. And have gotten up to the point, of what is probably considered intense BDSM. My partner is now comfortable using sleepsacks, latex vacbeds, straightjackets, etc. But that took over 2 years to build. Basically consider it a long term goal. Be okay with the first sessions not being amazing, for later sessions being better. Be okay with “ruining” the scene to teach, to end up with scenes down the line, that fit more of the “vibe” you want. Be okay with giving a bit of difficult feedback for some short term discomfort for long term gain. Basically don’t be afraid to suffer a bit for some long term success. I have definitely been frustrated at times. My partner has been frustrated at times, but compromise, communication, respect, and love were all worth the short term difficulties.
Ultimately I think you have two options:
1. If she has no desire to engage in kink, and it’s important to you, its okay to move on
2. Or, you follow the above guide (basically just communication, compromise, and going slow), and eventually find some compromising kink that is acceptable to both of you. There is a reasonable chance you can find some common kinks she doesn’t mind, and is willing to do maybe 2-3/month. You can see if that keeps you satisfied. As mentioned above my partner and I started with simple bondage cuffs, and regular sex. And have worked our way up to some pretty intense bondage. A lot of kinks are about going slow, building confidence, and sharing how much you enjoyed them with your partner.