Hi guys, back again asking questions I have a hard time answering myself. Will be turning 32 in exactly 11 days and I am going no where in life because I’m getting in my own way. I look back the last 4 years and I’ve stayed stagnant and actually regressed as a human being/ as a man because of myself loathing. Honestly, I’m in a tough point in my life but I realize that’s only because I believe I deserve it. I believe I deserve to be unhappy and suffer. It makes no sense because I do want to do better, to be better, to be the man I would want my future child to have or the father I wish I had, but deep down I feel like I don’t deserve a relationship or a better job, etc because I feel like I am not enough or because of the stupid mistakes and shitty decisions I’ve made in the past. Or that I don’t believe in myself to do better. I’m still in my early 30’s and not bad looking, have all my teeth and my hair, shit earlier this year a woman told me I was the prettiest man she has ever meet. Given it was a dark room and she wore glasses but still, felt great. But feel like time is running out. If I can’t get it together now I may never.
I can’t enjoy myself or my life or work towards something because of the belief that I’m not capable and therefore don’t try or give up too easily; or that I deserve to be unhappy and suffer. If any one has struggled with this type of mindset how did you change? How did you start loving yourself and believing in yourself? I’m a shell of who I once was, even if my younger self was naive, self-centered, and short-sighted, and it’s entirely in my head. I’m in therapy but that doesn’t seem to be enough.
Thank you in advance for any advice/ guidance!
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I stopped caring what other people thought or what was expected of me as a “man” and just worked on making a life that I could enjoy. Yes, it wasn’t all fun and games, I worked some shitty jobs just to make ends meet but I kept trying to better myself a little bit at a time.
You just need to have it your way. Accept the bad with the good because there will be consequences. Plus, everyone will still hate you or hate you more because you are trying to change. And no one likes that. No one worth knowing anyway.
Having said that, you may need to take the unconventional route and make some mistakes. Learning to love yourself involves making some false steps in order to discover what truly matters to you. But the sad part is that no one can foretell when you will find what you need, or even if that will happen. I had to endure suffering until I turned 40, and I just got a job I like. Everything else is under development.
Learn from your mistakes and study the world around you. I studied books for a while, and it’s worth it if you have a keen eye for proper academic education. There are many false gurus around, and those who can’t teach well just show how to do it. So, it’s challenging.ì
Loving yourself is also about finding your flaws and changing in a loving way. Try not to hide your flaws from other people. I mean, choose which ones you want to disclose, but strive to be transparent so you can see yourself through other people’s eyes. Because until you do, you only see a distorted reflection.
Maybe focus more on finding “your purpose”. What makes you feel fulfilled and proud. This might help eliminate your intrusive self doubt if you find you have a purpose and therefore value and a goal to work towards. It’s not easy. I’m still searching for mine. But now that I am I’ve blocked out all the other bs and am looking for what my true place in this world is.
First thing, understand that the belief that you’re not capable is something you were made to believe about yourself and is likely related to bullying or abuse.
Would you say you experienced either of these growing up?