Women who have been raised by absolutely emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive parents, how did you cope up with that?

17 comments

1. I became very very resentful. I felt like my parents never really considered me as a person, what my personality is like, what my interests are. Everything was done just the way they thought it should be and there was no room to suggest otherwise. It got to a point where I would physically dread family gatherings for a week leading up to it. I would get stressed and sick. Because I knew I had to be a fake version of myself around my parents and never really tell them how I was evolving or what I was going through at the time. Whenever I slipped up and told them about something upsetting I was experiencing, I would just get lectured about how I should have dealt with it differently.

   At some point, I lost my cool and explained to my mother why I seem so miserable every Christmas. I essentially said that she sucked the joy out of the holiday with her expectations of how I should behave instead of just simply asking if I wanted to participate in the same things that she did, and how she dismissed my feelings when I told her I wasn’t feeling up to certain things. That helped a little. I don’t know if they have backed off, or if just simply standing up for myself made me feel less guilty about not going along with this facade because of my parents being unable to connect with me or ask the right questions. But I feel better, so that’s something.

2. My mom was emotionally unavailable and my father was emotionally abusive. I had to take lots of therapy and I’m not in contact with my nuclear family anymore, just extended. Living proof that not everyone should have kids and why I won’t have any myself. The curse ends with me. 😊 Although I do consider myself to be very well mentally these past years so I’m glad I got rid of that baggage and can have emotional and beautiful relationship. I just sometimes feel icky about not having any childhood due to whatever was going on at home all the time but that’s all.

3. I feel I go in between HEAVILY connecting to people and practically hanging on them like an overly excited puppy and clinging to them or not feeling a damn thing. Feeling very emotionally disconnected from not only people, but also life in general. I had a very emotionally disconnected father who just kinda laughed at me or shrugged me off when I showed any kind of negative emotions so as an adult, I push down the bad feelings and bottle it up. Because if I did that at home when I still lived there, it was frowned upon and my parents practically shook their heads at me. Made me feel like I can’t express any type of bad emotion. So as an adult I really struggle to express myself without tearing up and shaking all over. :/ I’m also afraid of opening up to people so I’m shy and reserved. I’ve just kind of stopped trying to make new friends and it’s even harder. I crave deep connections yet I run away from it. I always feel like a bother/burden to people as well.. 🙁 I coped with it as a kid by emotional eating and rebelling against my parents a lot. Just doing things I wasn’t supposed to. I’m still working on my relationship with food and just trying to heal. It’s hard… very hard.

4. Leaving

5. I dont.

6. Therapy.

7. Disordered eating, alcohol, allowing others to take advantage of me, people pleasing, and anxiety. I was always so jealous of my friends that had “real” parents. I have trouble today watching shows or movies with strong family dynamics.

   My dad passed away this past year. My mom has since apologized for not protecting us and for not being a mom herself. My siblings have started openly talking about things. That has helped tremendously. We are able to validate each other and realize that the things that happened were never okay.

   Talking it out and working through it. Slow and steady.

8. When I was a kid I coped by retreating to my room and browsing the internet/playing video games. I grew up to be a sad and bitter person but at least I’m in treatment, and I know now that what I went through was not normal (it took a friend being horrified by a story I told about my childhood to understand that I had been abused – that was when I was in my early 20s).

   I try to tell myself that I’m not going to become my parents because I now know what not to do from watching them. I’m breaking the cycle by being the first person in my family to realize something is wrong and take treatment seriously. Also, I will never have kids – or at least I hope I won’t. It helps to have spaces where I can talk about these things. I like being around likeminded folks.

9. I just have to be really self aware. I’m committed to ending the cycle of abuse with me so I’ve also invested in therapy and have spent a lot of time in solitude to try and cope, but mostly to avoid hurting others. I don’t think I’ll ever not feel like there’s something wrong with me so I just try to really practice self care and work to get as close to self love as possible. I’ve forgiven my parents and I love them. I understand now, having learned about their own childhoods, they did not know what they were doing. Now in my 30’s I have a great relationship with them but I did move to the other side of the country by myself. I also train in martial arts and that’s really helped. I just try to be a little better each day. I find the more patient I can be with others the more patient I tend to be with myself.

10. Therapy has helped a little. Going low contact has helped in some ways but is also an incredibly painful experience. But in the end, being true to myself instead of smothering my own personhood for their comfort is self care, even if it’s painful.

11. Therapy. Time. And a ton of distance. 7,000 miles of distance, to be exact. I can only handle my mother in short doses.

    We both work in the corporate sector, and luckily both earn solid salaries. My strategy, when she wants to see me, is to offer for us to fly into a random city, we spend a weekend shopping and talking, and then 48 hours later we both part ways and fly back to our respective countries or cities.

12. Without leaving the boundary of what I can say about my mother it would only lead me to look angry and resentful and that’s far it… i absolute hate my mother because she is self aware now and is raising her partners kid weirdly good … always posting about trips and stuff she’s brought her meanwhile my brother and I both in our 30s don’t buy any of it completely jaw dropping stuff she’s doing….

    My mum sits in guilt and shame and she heed my last words to her once.. terrible I ended up apologising because Im a people pleaser and I felt bad for what I said … but I can’t help but feel cheated of a childhood. But then I know my grandmother and see where it stems from.
    that’s why my grandmother spoilt me and I don’t ever see that side of her because and she “can’t understand” her daughter… my mother. Her own daughter!?!
    But I can’t say a bad word about my mother to my grandmother because she without saying knows she made her that way essentially! My mother never goes without has been wrapped in cotton wool but feels it okay to cry to the family about my brother not letting her meet her grandson and now he’s the new black sheep! The golden child cast his mother out how dare he huh 🤔
    I was humiliated at a family gathering because I choose not to speak to my mother or her family for my own sake.and “childishly” ignored her for the whole night. She sat and cried drunk to everyone and I got “called out by my younger drunker cousin.

    I’ve experienced traumatic experiences from her lack of care and demise of her life with drug and drinking habits I’ve witnessed the unimaginable while she was black out drunk while I was 7 and being made to take part in a incident really took a toll on my mental health.
    Plus the understanding of sex from a young age
    being told by my god parents that what I was attempting to re-enact was wrong must of been heartbreaking.
    my mother would use the fact my god mother couldn’t have kids and palmed me off to them every weekend and she would have them by the neck essentially threatening that I’d not see them again. I’ve not seen them or my mother in over 8 years because I’ve slipped into my depression era and become socially awkward and isolated not giving a crap if I’d see my mothers side of the family for the rest of my life

13. With anger and bad choices

14. Idk I’m just here…rolling through life. Not dealing with anything anymore tbh. I got so tired of over analyzing myself and my behavior and where it came from and all those thoughts and memories of childhood bleh. I put it all in a little treasure chest in my head and the key is in the furthest place from there..let’s say my big toe. I accept myself for who I am and who I turned out to be partially thanks to the two fuckers that raised me (or rather didn’t) but when I notice something I’m doing is harming me or others in some way (it can be minor, like for example the way I argue by default is pretty toxic, difficulty keeping my emotions in check, quick to shout) I always try to correct myself. But I rather do it with hands on methods that work for me than sit in a chair with a therapist talking about my childhood again. Been there done that and I’ve let it go. Some kids get a shitty deal some don’t

15. As a kid, I was terribly misbehaved and I got myself into a lot of dangerous situations, adding to my own trauma over the years. Once I passed 30, I saw parents as people. Forgiveness. Really. Forgiveness.

16. You go to therapy, then you figure out what you want from your own life and pursue that. It’s certainly not easy, but it is possible.

17. The 3 things that have helped me the most:
    1 – moving out
    2 – having a supportive partner
    3 – therapy

    I’m still working on myself and my relationship with them, I love them but they bring out the worst in me. I still get anxious when I visit them. I’ve been able to put some boundaries which is hard but incredibly helpful. I wish they would go to therapy too, I’m sure there is a reason on why they behave that way.