My parents came to visit me in College for the first time in months and we were all going to stay at my aunt’s house for a couple of days. I live in the Netherlands and my aunt lives in the UK so I was planning on flying out there for a long weekend and spending time with everyone. My parents asked me to bring my boyfriend of almost 2 months along to meet them. I thought it was too soon but when I brought this up with him, he immediately agreed to come with me. I’m Indian, and so is the entirety of my family in the UK; my boyfriend is Dutch. My aunt worked really hard to make traditional food especially for me since it has been months since I’ve been able to enjoy some. When I arrived with my boyfriend, things were fine, he was speaking to my family and they were starting to warm up to him. At dinner, we were eating food that was generally meant to be eaten by hand.
I kept cutlery ready for my bf but we were eating rotis and naan which is hard to eat with cutlery. He got mad that the cutlery was impractical then mad that he had to eat by hand. I told him he could roll it up and eat it as a wrap or something but he insisted on leaving and getting some McDonald’s. After some arguing, I got mad and told him we could go later as I wanted to enjoy the food and meal with my parents. He kept demanding that I get up and go with him and my dad and uncle got mad. They told him to leave to which my boyfriend replied with equal anger. He said he shouldn’t have to eat with his hands like “you people” and that it’s filthy we even think it’s okay to do so. I was very hurt by this and honestly dead tired so I let my dad and uncle kick him out. Granted, we both live in the Netherlands so he’d have nowhere to go in the UK and he’s very frugal with his money. Now he’s messaging me to leave my aunt’s house and come with him to stay at some random hostel he found and wants me to pay for it since it’s my fault this happened since I didn’t arrange for different (Non-Indian) food to be made for him. I don’t know how to start tackling this issue and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
36 comments
Your boyfriend has been disrespectful to your parents, yourself and your culture which is something you shouldn’t tolerate at all.
If I were in your shoes, I would break up with him and let him travel back home by himself.
My boyfriend knows how to be respectful and also follow the custom when we eat with hands. He will even eat if he doesn’t like a certain food which is the same I would do when being at his parent’s place. Because I’m showing appreciation for the food and respect for the people that have cooked. I don’t know how many times I have eaten food I don’t like but I will still eat a little. You can always after the dinner eat something else to fill the stomach up without throwing a huge temper tantrum like a baby.
>I don’t know how to start tackling this issue and any advice would be greatly appreciated.
By getting yourself a new boyfriend?
The level of disrespect was through the roof. Your family hosted him and he threw a fit at the dinner table. Even took a shot at your culture by saying “You people”.
I would have kicked him out too.
Why would you want to smooth this over? Your bf is a narrow minded asshole, and I dare say a racist.
The way I see it the trash took itself out. Let him stay gone, let this be the end of the relationship.
You should start tackling this issue by breaking up with your racist boyfriend.
I’d say BF is on his own. I’d be horrified if a guest I brought to meet family behaved like that. I’m a very picky eater and even I know how to read the room, fake it, and follow everyone else’s lead. Your BF is an asshole.
There is no conflict resolution needed here. You don’t need this boyfriend.
>**He got mad that the cutlery was impractical then mad that he had to eat by hand.** I told him he could roll it up and eat it as a wrap or something but he insisted on leaving and **getting some McDonald’s**.
im sorry but does he eat mcD’s with cutlery or does he eat it with his hands? He just sounds racist. Its not like you were expecting him to use his hands as spoons for soup or something. I could understand if he had food issues in general and he talked to you about it beforehand and it was a sensory/anxiety thing but this is just AH behavior. I dont think there’s any mending the bridges here.
eta: as someone with sensory issues and anxiety about trying new foods, i just cant understand his behavior. I’ve never gotten mad at the ppl providing the food when i’m the one with the issues with it. And if i was dating an Indian person about to meet their whole family, i would have asked if we can introduce my to some of the typical menu beforehand so ik what to expect/whats “safe” to eat/what to avoid, etc and bring some safe foods in case im still hungry after.
Most polite dutch person:
>I kept cutlery ready for my bf but we were eating rotis and naan which is hard to eat with cutlery. He got mad that the cutlery was impractical then mad that he had to eat by hand.
Oh he’s just an asshole. Unless he eats Mcdonalds with a knife and fork i feel like this is bordering on being racist. Many foods are meant to be eaten without cutlery so he’s just being ridiculous.
He is the one who chose to leave in a huff, you are not responsible for paying for his hostel. Tell your ex boyfriend to find his own way home. See if you can extend your ticket by a day so you don’t have to travel back next to him.
That food wasn’t made for him, it was made for YOU.
It was weird that your parents wanted you to bring him in the first place despite being together for only 2 months, but at least you got to see his true colors sooner than later.
With behavior like that, he’s never going to apologize nor will he ever admit that he was in the wrong.
You’re better off dumping that disrespectful racist.
Give your friends a heads up too in case he starts telling anyone who’ll listen a different version of what happened.
End it, there is nothing more to consider. This is not something he can recover from and you’re only two months deep. Cut your losses.
Girl, he disrespected you, your family and culture. Now he’s upset, rude and demanding you leave your family to pay for a hostel because his actions got him kicked out.
There’s nothing to fix, and you should breakup with him. How do you see this getting better or what do you need from him to fix this? Think about that and ask yourself is he going to do what’s needed or is he going to expect you to apologize and fix it as he is trying to make you do now.
I would breakup with him asap. Edit- typos
Leave his racist ass, what a horrible person.
ghost him. he’s a jerk. his behavior was wild, crazy out of line.
This guy sounds horrible. Leave him at the hostel, and enjoy time with your family!
My advice is to text him to fuck off. That he behaved abominably, he’s a bigoted asshole, and he should never contact you again.
I don’t get your question about conflict resolution, the guy’s a fucking racist.
Your bf is racist and was extraordinarily disrespectful. There’s no resolution, just moving on and being happier with someone with basic consideration & who isn’t racist, but instead has respect and appreciation for your heritage.
Why are you trying to conflict resolve with a racist?
He is trying to ruin your relationship with your family. You get rid of him.
Your boyfriend is a racists who looks down on your and your family. Leave him and he glad you only wasted 2 months of your life.
You dump him that’s how…and thank your uncle and dad for standing up. This guy is racist. The next one you will have to vet a lot more.
“You people” is a deal breaker. He can’t eat with his hands? How does he manage a doughnut or a slice of pizza? Does he use cutlery for a sandwich or carrot sticks?
His behavior was immature, rude, and inappropriate. I’d break it off.
Not quite 2 months in and he’s obnoxious, disrespectful, racist and entitled. He can stay at the hostel or go home. He’s a loser, and breaking up ASAP would be a good plan.
Ask him how he’d eat a slice of pizza, or a sandwich, or chicken wings, or ribs. Then try giving him the food
Look, don’t be dumb. He’s a racist, disrespectful person who embarrassed you in front of your family and is wanting to use you for money.
You need to make him your ex
Conflict resolution? Are you incapable of seeing the color red? How many red flags in just this one story? Come on. Have some self respect and don’t be with a guy like this. He disrespected “you people”….you people is your fucking FAMILY and heritage. No dick is worth that.
Advice. Dump the racist, rude jerk.
You are 2 months in. He showed his ass to you and your parents and was racist and unappreciative. Move on.
im sorry to burst your bubble but your bf is racist
I’m going to go on a limb and say boyfriend voted for Geert Wilders.
You break up with the racist boyfriend and let him figure his own shit out
This is the same boyfriend of only one month who refused to help you fix your shelf and accused you of wanting to get free labor from him. He’s the same one who accused you of cheating because you gave the workman who actually did fix your shelf a sandwich.
All this drama after only one month. One month after starting a relationship is probably going to be the period in which he’ll be on his best behavior. Just imagine how bad he’s going to be to you in six months or a year. I’m skeptical this guy has enough redeeming qualities to balance out this bad outlook.
Please get rid of this sentient waste of space that you call boyfriend
Obviously 2 months was a good time for them to meet him, now you don’t have to waste anymore time on him
Please break up with this racist asshole. Let him pay for his own way home. Some conflicts are not worth trying to resolve. Apologize profusely to your family for bringing that idiot into their home.
I’ll never understand eating burgers, fries, tacos,sandwiches,etc by hand but somehow drawing the line at rotis and naan.
A tortilla is basically a roti.
Conflict resolution: dump his rude ass and send a letter to his parents that they shouldve raised him with some respect.
Also the “you people’ he threw in there says more then enough too.
That is not a man, that is a little boy throwing a tantrum. Let him pay for his own hotel and dont give him anything. He got in this situation by being extremely rude. Do not fuck up your relationship with your family by going to him in the hotel. He will manage.
Stay with your family, enjoy the food they make you and let him just sit there.
Tell him he burned his ass and now he had to sit on the blisters. A dutch saying that works really well for this situation.