Anxious, scared, awkward, depressed… I can’t do anything with my “life”, no matter how hard I try, I’m in a hole and I can’t get out.
I don’t even know if I hate people or I’m just afraid and traumatised. Because of that I wasted 31 years of my life, have no education, no social skills, no connections, nothing and it’s frustrated that if I had some kind of mentor, friend who would’ve guided me, show me the way, give my some comfort I could’ve change that, but I have no one.
Every day I just repeat in my head all these things I want from life and it’s not much, In 1 year I could have it, in 5 and a half I could’ve made my whole life, but because I’m afraid of people, because I feel inferior, stupid and weak, because I can’t stop sweating everytime I am around them, I can’t feel neaseous, tired, I can’t do anything… I just “am”, frustrated, knowing that ONE DAY, with support from someone else I could change everything and no one around me try to help…
We all are predestined to be who we are, some just don’t want to change, and other want but everyone around them bring them down…
9 comments
Golly. That’s a lot. I don’t think you hate people, not really. I think you envy them for what you don’t have. You sweat around people because you fear that if they knew your situation, they’d judge you harshly. That’s how I would feel in your position.
Time-wise, you can still right your ship. You’re only 31. Life has barely started. You have six years until life gets steeper. Right now, you’re still young and strong and saddled with the burden of vast potential, of things you can do.
What to do? I don’t know. You know better than I. A hard truth is that doing leads to motivation. Start with something easy like saying hello to a cashier. Keep doing it. Force yourself. Fight through the impulse to retreat. You’ll come to see your fear of others is overstated, that people aren’t much different than you are. They struggle even when it looks like they have it all together.
I’m educated. Bright. Fit. Good-enough looking. Confident. Well-spoken. I have good friends. Etc. And my life in many ways is a waking nightmare lol. I’ve trapped myself in dark patterns and wouldn’t mind if I blinked out tomorrow because I am also tired of being me. Everyone struggles. You’re not alone. Many of those people you watch happily going about their day would bleed tar if you scratched below the surface.
Unfortunately to wait for a savior to pull you from the pit is to wait forever. You have to start climbing. Climbing from the pit makes noise, attracts attention. That’s when people start to notice that you need help. That’s when the right people come along to assist you in your effort. But you must start climbing.
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Get screened for depression, ADHD and autism, if you have the resources.
So you are what 40 ish?
Wow are we twins because everything you write is me to a T. I became the way I am due to trauma I experienced in my own home. Immediate family who is supposed to love and support you but instead I got the opposite. And it fucked me up big-time to the point where I completely shut down from being this sociable extroverted child to everything that you described. I didn’t make any school or work friends. I’m 48 years old now and still have no relationship with my living siblings. I have no relationship with nobody on my dad side and I have a relationship with one aunt on my mom side and that’s it. I still have no friends but I have two online friends I’ve known for 2 years now. Let’s keep in touch before we are too similar.
Sounds like you are stuck in a bad environment and you need to leave…
Sorry you’re so down brother, have you ever considered therapy? Has helped me tremendously this past year.
You’ll be surprised a lot of people feel that way. Many choose to give up on their social life(especially in their 30s) and retreat to Uber Food and Netflix on the weekend.
Just got to get out there and keep on trying and learning. This is coming from a guy who went to special Ed for speech in the 2nd grade. I had special Ed until 4th grade bc I was too afraid to talk.
Now I go on dates every other months, have a dozen friends I keep on contact with. Even then there are days or weeks where I feel so alone, it’s OK to feel that way, it’s not ok to use that as an excuse and not try.
Why don’t you do small things to change the way you look. Working out is free, find a decent skincare line at CVS; I use Thayer, they’re abt $24 for face wash & toner.
Perhaps get a small companion pet like a dog, cat or even bird to help you feel less alone. My dog was my only friend for a couple of yrs, sure I had friends that I hang out with, like twice a year back then. Now I have friends I hang out with every other month, it is hard to make friends in your 30’s, doable with effort.
Start small to build up some momentum.