My bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years. We’ve been living together full time for the past 7 months. It’s been hard adjusting but we’re learning as we go. It’s been relatively fine for the most part until recently.
We obviously share a bed. My boyfriend will take all the covers when he’s a sleep. It’s not intentionally but it’s just frustrating. I suggested we get separate blankets but he doesn’t like that idea because he wants to feel connected. I understood this. But then sometimes he’ll ask me to “move over” *even* when I’m legit on the edge of the bed because he’s taking so much room.
The most frustrating part — the bed shaking. My boyfriend does this odd thing where when he wakes up, he’ll like “dry” masturbating. I’m not sure if it’s because of morning wood or what but he’ll touch himself in the morning and while doing so, shake the bed. He doesn’t know *I* know that I literally know he’s masterbating, so I’ll ask him to stop shaking the bed. He’ll apologize and it’ll be fine. But I’ve had to tell him so many times to stop shaking the bed because it’s literally waking me up when I have work in the morning.
I’ve spoken to him about these issues and how I want to sleep in the spare bedroom and he doesn’t like this idea because he believes this will cause us to drift in our relationship. I understood that but this morning was my last straw and I told him I’m going to be sleeping there from now on. He was upset with this.
I know this is very trivial, but I’m not sure what to do or if I handled it incorrectly. Has anyone had these types of issues before? Should I have taken a different approach?
24 comments
Did you two not spend the night together prior to living together?
Seriously. Get a second blanket, put a body pillow between you, tell him to stop jacking off in bed and take it to the bathroom in the morning OR sleep in a separate room. Sleep is important.
“Is my health not a good enough reason to respect my request?”
I think you need to put your foot down and tell him 1 you are getting sperate blankets if he doesn’t like that then guess what the other room for you. 2 that he needs to go to the bathroom or somewhere else to jack off. 3 stop hogging the bed and if this is him like rolling over in his sleep might be worth considering getting a bigger bed.
I have sleep issues with my partner. We slept in separate bedrooms for a while but now we just sleep in separate beds, in the same bedroom. First one to wake get into the other’s bed for a cuddle. It’s great. Sleep is very very important. Some people sleep better with someone in bed others worse. It is not a reflection of their love or connection in their relationship.
Dude. Sleep deprivation is one of the most damaging things for your physical and mental health.
Your boyfriend is being unbelievably selfish, and frankly I don’t understand why you’re even debating this with him.
Just sleep in the other room. You are sacrificing your health and wellbeing so that this dude can jerk off and “feel connected”??
What decent human being would try to coerce their partner into damaging their health?
Please, OP. Stay with this jerk if you must, but stop catering to this nonsense.
So he wants to give up nothing and you are just supposed to suck it up? No!
You both will be happier when you get enough sleep, don’t have to fight and don’t get cranky.
Sleep in the other bed. Get that sleep. Enjoy that the only gas you smell at night is your own.
Nothing wrong with this… but! I would’ve made him sleep in the other bed because why should you have to leave for him being selfish and gross. Like what mature adult just starts jacking off next to someone else in bed.
He needs to either stop the shenanigans or you should sleep apart. He doesn’t want you to drift apart…then get another blanket and he’s gotta stop yanking the snake.
It’s always downplayed by the one who’s not losing sleep and sanity. Sleep deprivation is classified as torture. The Geneva Convention demands he knock it off. Joking, but not. It really is detrimental to your health.
The fact you think this is trivial just indicates how much women are taught over and over that we don’t matter.
It’s not trivial AT all. Your sleep is being interrupted. You’ve suggested multiple solutions but, despite it not being him that has a problem, he won’t entertain any of them because those ways are ‘not how he wants it to be’, or what he’d prefer.
He doesn’t care about your sleep. Stop suggesting things and just do them. Get separate blankets. Sleep in the other room.
Anyone who knows they are interfering in someone else’s sleep but refuses solutions (separate blankets, separate rooms, etc) for any reason, including because ‘then we won’t be connected’ is a dickhead.
Op, let him know it’s very simple , if he can’t make changes to be a more accommodating bed mate, then you have to sleep separately.
I’m trying to be understanding, because I know I’m an active sleeper, tossing and turning, but 7 months in feel like he’s not interested in her sleeping.
My husband and I have separate blankets because I was the blanket hog. We can still snuggle up under one blanket while we are awake but once it’s time to sleep we are back to our own blankets.
The jerking off thing is just inconsiderate. He needs to go elsewhere to do that if it’s waking you up/keeping you awake. Or you could get a vibe and dial it up to 10 and see how he likes that
Sleep deprivation is considered torture under the Geneva Convention. Don’t let your man treat worse than a POW
Why does he think jerking off in front of you without your consent is okay?
Is this a joke. Tell your bf you know he is masturbating, go to another room to do it. Two blankets, the scandi way folded over. And a body pillow down the middle. Put your foot down before you move or kick him out.
My boyfriend and have have separate rooms and it’s the best thing ever. We recently had a stomach bug and i think I would have literally unalived myself if we had to share a bed during that time 😂.
Plus i get my own space, he gets his and we share an office 😃
Hmm, what else has come up in the last 7 months living together…Are you doing all the cooking, cleaning?
Also, why change just because he gets emotional? That doesn’t help you sleep.
Wanking. In the bed. While you’re sleeping. Is he well.
He needs to change his behavior and let you sleep. If he isn’t going to do that then you are not wrong for sleeping in the spare room or even moving out. I would get a second blanket. And call him out on his masturbating. Instead of “stop shaking the bed” tell him to stop “jacking off”. Be blunt with it, it may help.
Also, how vigorous does he masturbate? I showed my boyfriend the post and even he’s like “what the fuck”.
It’s perfectly normal for couples to sleep in separate rooms when one is causing sleep issues for the other. And what he’s doing is on purpose! He could literally get up and go to another room to do this. I would legit call him out on what he’s doing and ask him to go jerk off in the other room.
He’s denying you a blanket to sleep under? And you understood his BS reasoning? I don’t understand it at all, he’s asleep. He’s not feeling much at all except warm. It honestly sounds like some stupid tiktok-thing that people do on their partners to test how far they can push someone
Don’t suggest you get another blanket and wait for his approval, just get one. If he pouts tell him to get over himself
My partner has always taken up a lot of room in bed, I’ve often found myself right on the edge unable to move without falling out. Somehow he doesn’t ever care when I tell him, but at some point I realised that if I talk about stuff he does that annoys me when other people are around, he realises that it makes him sound awful, and then he’ll change. So I did just that. A friend was saying that she turns her mattress round regularly so she’s not always sleeping on the same spot. I said it was a great idea, if I turned our mattress round I’d basically be sleeping on a new mattress because my partner always sleeps in the middle, so his edge has never been slept on. Our friends looked rather shocked that my partner could be so selfish as to sleep in the middle and only leave a narrow sliver of mattress for me.
That night he said “ok I’ll let you have more space in bed”, and he has, so it’s not like he didn’t realise what he was doing before, he just didn’t care.
This is a very minor problem compared to others in our relationship but it certainly shows how very selfish he is. I will be leaving him very soon.
Sleep is incredibly important to your overall health and well being and many couples sleep in separate rooms.
I would tell him if he wants me in the same bed, then he needs to try and meet me in the middle, meaning: separate blankets; respect for space (he needs to be aware of where he is in the bed) and if he’s going to masturbate in the morning, he can take his ass out of bed and do it somewhere else.
Couples who sleep in separate beds have longer and healthier relationships ! That’s what science says. I prefer to sleep separately when sleep is imperative. If it’s a weekend my partner (female) and I (born female/non-binary) will enjoy the night together. I find this is helpful in all relationships I’ve been in with men or women. I will say men took it more personally when I asked to sleep alone lol
What is it with all these weird dudes wanking next to their sleeping girlfriends?
Our western culture places so much importance on sleeping together as a couple. However, if you can’t actually ‘sleep’, then this is an issue. His nocturnal habits are keeping you awake and he’s getting upset at you for wanting to change the arrangement so you get some sleep! There is nothing wrong with having separate rooms! If anything, this will likely improve your relationship because you will be rested and less resentful.