I recently graduated and snagged a decent job. My girlfriend (21F) and I (24M) have been together for three years, doing the whole long-distance thing. We manage to meet up here and there. So, after I got the job offer, we were pumped to celebrate together before I started working. But work got hectic, and our plans fell through.
In an attempt to make up for it, my GF sent me a gift basket through an online shop. She specifically asked for a note, but they messed up and didn’t include one. No note, which was a bit of a letdown. I called her to express my thanks, found out about the note, and asked her to send me the message she wanted. I used that to create a note, reassured her that I appreciated the gesture, and blamed the online shop for the slip-up.
After she calmed down a bit, she insisted on writing another note. I tried telling her it wasn’t necessary, but she got upset, claiming I didn’t care about her happiness and wanted to break up. I was already having a rough day with work stress, so I told her to chill and hung up.
Later, she got mad about me ending the call and still wanted to break up. I tried explaining that her gift brightened my day, even if the note thing didn’t go smoothly. Hours later, while I was buried in work, she reached out, saying she’s feeling down. I’m pretty confused about what’s happening. How can I make my relationship more stable? Cuz sometimes it’s too much to handle for me.
TL;DR: Just graduated, landed a job, and had plans to celebrate with my long-distance girlfriend. Plans fell through due to work stress. She sent me a gift basket with no note, so I improvised. She insisted on another note, got upset, and wanted to break up. I explained her gift made my day, but she still seemed upset later, leaving me confused.
10 comments
Bro you don’t even sound mature enough for the younger woman you already picked out. Neither one of you sounds like you have the emotional skills necessary for a healthy relationship.
She jumped from “sorry the note messed up” to “let’s break up”, but then you told her to CHILL, instead of comforting her or talking to her about it??? After 3 years??
Do you even like her?
I think the LDR is wearing on her more than she’s letting on. I guess ask her where her head’s at and what happened.
But learn how to console too – wow
Sounds like she wants to break up and is searching for reasons to do so without looking like “the bad guy”
>How can I make my relationship more stable?
Listen to her when she’s upset and stop hanging up on her.
She sounds emotionally unstable. I think you should consider your relationship as a whole and wonder if this is actually healthy for you.
>how can I make my relationship more stable
Date someone who actually lives near you, who you can see.
I’ve never gotten the point of LDR. You might as well just have a pen pal you flirt with because you can’t really do anything together unless you’re ready to regularly drop hundreds if not thousands to travel and see each other.
She sounds unstable dude, who the fuck jumps to these thoughts and then wants to break up. Do yourself a favour and find someone far better than this person.
You are overwhelmed with new job and you are letting that reflect in your relationship.
If a relationship starts to feel TOO MUCH, it is time to reconsider everything.
It sounds to me like you want to date someone who is more naturally self-assured, or who has a more distant attachment style. It is, I think, a mistake to imagine that you can solve this problem by somehow turning your current girlfriend into this other person you want her to be. You need to find that person and date her instead, and let your ex find the high-attachment emotionally sensitive boy who won’t find her difficult to be on the phone with.
The replies you’ve gotten are all over the place. I’m wondering if it’s because you didn’t do a great job of explaining and/or demonstrating what persistent issues you’re having. And there are some details that feel lacking in your description of even just the one event.
You say you canceled the plans due to work. What plans? Were they scheduled for the day you called to thank her for the gift, or another day?
When you called to thank her for the gift, were you working then? Or did you have time set aside to talk, and if so, how much?
Did you express disappointment about there being no note before you learned that there was one? I.e. Were you critical or unenthusiastic about the gift in any way?
How long do you plan to continue being long distance? How often do you actually see each other in person?
If this is not the first time something like this has happened, what are other examples?
On the one hand, if you had canceled plans for that day because you were working, only had a brief time set aside for a phone call, and were nothing but thankful and appreciative of the gift when you incidentally learned the note was missing…of course you could not be expected to stay on the phone for ages. If you were happy to have her send you another note but wanted to assure her that you love and appreciate the gift even without one, it would be strange for her to spiral from that info alone. If she had spiraled before over “nothing”, it is fair you would be skeptical of the legitimacy of the freak out and overwhelmed with repeated attempts to calm her…on top of being busy with work in that exact moment. So while “chill” wasnt the best response, exasperation or stress is understandable. Indeed, she may have continued a meltdown even with a perfect “Hey, I don’t know what’s going on, I love you and have no intent to break up. Let’s talk this weekend when I’m done with my gigantic project so I can figure out what’s upsetting you or why you’d think something like that”
Having an unreasonable fear of abandonment or looking to monopolize your partner’s time or harass them while they are at work can be signs of a particular personality disorder or emotional abuse, especially when you see these behaviors repeated time and time again.
On the other hand, the distance could be wearing on her (long distance for that long is tiring and awful for people). She could have been sad or worried about the fact that your plans were canceled at the last minute, particularly if you hadn’t been seeing each other much or didn’t reschedule or were “flippant” about canceling or if this happens regularly. If you called her sounding disappointed about the lack of note on top of all this, she absolutely could reasonably start feeling bad about the relationship or like something is wrong.
Meanwhile, most people can’t just recite the contents of a carefully thought out note they no longer have access to on command, and asking her to do that could have felt like she was really being put on the spot in a way she was uncomfortable with. Instead, she wanted time to send a new note, but you refused. You’re trying to hang up the phone and telling her you’re done with this convo; and she’s thinking you’re only a few moments from breaking up with her since you canceled your big plans together, didn’t like her gift, and you’re always busy with work and you’re always rushing her off the phone.
In this last scenario, she wasn’t being too sensitive and emotional and you could have potentially been too critical and not been paying enough attention to what she wanted or where she was coming from. Bringing balance to the relationship could be possible if you planned your division of time between work and gf better, and interacted with her more intentionally and compassionately prior to the convo and during it. But even those efforts may not be enough to quell tensions arising if the relationship is overall not fulfilling or comforting (such as if you have seen each other in person too rarely over too long a period of time).
On that note, that leaves option three…this scenario in and of itself WAS relatively benign and she DID overreact, but she was doing so not because of a personality disorder but because of the tendency for otherwise lovely people to become clingy or volatile or dysregulated in situations that generally aren’t meeting their needs. They’re on edge overall with the relationship, so small issues turn into big ones.