I’m a 22 year old male

All my life I’ve struggled with having male friends
The main issue is maintaining them
I seem to always fuck it up
I have OCD and I think it makes me sensitive to negative emotion
So I think I’ve overreacted a lot to things in the past and dug myself a hole

For example, if I heard tell another friend a joke about me that gets under my skin
In stead of just brushing it off and joking back
I’d get reactive and lash out
Not always but I seem to get offended easily
And think the worlds out to get me

I feel like I’m either one extreme or the other
I’m either getting angry at somebody and trying to emotionally hurt them
Or I suck up to somebody in fear of missing out

Like I have a friendship group from school
I moved away and then some new people joined the group who I had argued with in the past
I still stayed in touch with the original members of the group who were my friends
But the addition of these new people who I don’t get on with puts me in a weird spot because when they go out they don’t always invite me

I still meet the original friends but if the others are there I don’t get included
I did move away and they stayed here so it’s like the friendship group evolved without me

Now, mt question is, in a scenario rio like this
I feel like the old me would go one of two ways

1) Id feel offended and frustrated that I’m not included and I’d start messaging the people I don’t get on with trying to insult them/prove a point

Or

2) id overcompensate and try to make amends and be really cordial
Like I’d be like trying to get invited to the event
And I feel like it comes across as a lack of abundance and needy
It’s worth mentioning that the issue with me and these new members of the group is mutual
It’s not like I did something really bad to them that I should apologise for

Is the best thing to do in this situation just to act neutral and not seek bothered about my lack of inclusion and being ostracised ?

I feel like my issue is I’ve never remained composed in my life and it pushes people away from me

Thanks for any input

3 comments

  1. Men seek in friendship the essential elements of brotherhood. Slightly more complex i want you to be useful, strong, but also loyal. The what and how those things come out vary in a million different ways. But overall useful is displayed in intelligence and awareness…do you understand what’s going on (social dynamics, threats, alliances, subtext…do you see what i see but also see what I dont?) Strong (are you able to *handle criticism*, jest, losing, opposition)? And loyal (will you be on my side even when it may not be convenient for you?).

    If you’re getting offended easily, it means you arent smart (because you dont see that its just a social game), you arent strong (because even softballs from well-intentioned friends throw you for a loop). And you arent loyal (because you lash out at those very friends)..

  2. To answer your question up top: No, being emotionally dead is not the best approach to being respected by men, or people in general, for that matter. Emotional *stability*, OTOH, is a positive trait that will get you pretty far with most people.

    For your situation, I’d probably consider you very emotionally volatile, which is going to be a detriment to most social relationships. I can’t say whether it stems from an actual psychological issue or just some kind of stunted emotional development, but it would certainly be a benefit to your life to try and get that addressed.

    For instances like this, an emotionally stable approach would be to first challenge your own feelings. Exactly what are you feeling right now—anger, insecurity, jealousy? Are those feelings justified and, if they are, are they proportional to the situation and aimed in the right direction? If the emotions are unwarranted or misplaced, then the work has to be done on your part to fix it before you act inappropriately towards anyone. If they are justified, then it’s your responsibility to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes that might mean letting time and distraction do the work to get over a minor irritation. Sometimes it might mean respectfully approaching the people involved, explaining your side and how you’re feeling, and asking for X, Y or Z resolution in order to mend the situation. Still other times, it might mean standing up for yourself and confronting a situation directly or removing yourself entirely. For what you described, I think the second option is probably appropriate. Talk to your old friends, explain the dynamics and that you’re feeling excluded, and ask to be invited out more

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