I 23F think I was coerced into oral sex by my bf 29M

30 comments

1. be blunt about what happened and let him know its not okay

2. If you set a boundary, then he needs to respect it. What he did was not okay, and I would break up . if he can’t wait a few days for ur period to go away & until ur comfortable.. then who knows what else he can do.

3. Tell him clearly that this was not okay. If he says you overreact or does anything else then apologizing and changing than it becomes a huge red flag.

4. If you set a boundary then you maintain it. You’re mature enough to say “no”, and you have the free will to leave a relationship if you aren’t being treated right. Choosing to stay would be your fault. Not saying he isn’t an asshole.

5. He needs to stop asking but you need to learn to let him have his feelings without feeling like you need to act on them.

6. Begging isn’t coercion. You’re an adult. You didn’t have to do it if you didn’t want to. You don’t even live together and could have just left if he kept nagging.

7. Ah that’s easy.

   “Hey, I feel disgusted with myself after our date. I set my expectations of the date as nothing sexual.

   Although I didn’t protest or stop you when you initiated and made moves on me and I let you change the nature of our interaction in a direction I didn’t like, I felt most put off by your begging for a blowjob as I expect a man to stop at a small compromise like kissing and doesn’t push his luck any further.”

8. Keep in mind that “No” does not mean “convince me”.

   This is so common with girls and I feel for you as I’ve experienced this countless times. Sometimes still falling for this manipulation in my 30s now. We are raised to be people pleasers. Makes me feel sick that men think they can do this. I would have a talk with him about respecting boundaries. Start the conversation by explaining boundaries, and how you feel about the situation. Set expectations for next time. Wishing you the best

9. i would say to bring to his attention that he did that because just looking at some of the men in these comments he probably didn’t even think of it like that. Then say if it becomes a pattern, it will be a problem for you and the continuation of your relationship. op did not say how long they were together but if they’re a newer couple this could just be something that needs a precedent, my straight friend had a similar experience with her bf in the beginning of their relationship but she had that honest conversation about how unsafe it made her feel and from what i know he apologized sincerely and they’re still together going strong so i would like to believe that he doesn’t do things like that anymore-mind you if he still did especially after their conversation i would not as her friend be supportive of her relationship.
   anyways, relationships are hard and what he did was wrong but it’s also valid that you still want to be in a relationship with him, just don’t stay in this relationship if it makes you feel uneasy or bad more than any other feeling because then what is the point ig lol

10. By thirty, he should know by now that this is coersive and not ok. I understand hardcore lusting after your partner and it being a bit too apparent, but this is too much.

11. Grow a backbone.

    1. Tell him nicely
    2. Tell him bluntly
    3. Tell him to fuck off and leave

    I will stop after step one, if I am particularly horny and aren’t listening step 2 is a sure thing. Step 3 is for someone you don’t want to be with.

12. “I felt gross after I gave you a bj the other day because I felt pressured“

    The response to that will tell you what you need to know. Maybe. Trust your gut.

    Take it from an old man. He already knows.

    What he does now is what makes the man.

13. This has set a precedent that he can push boundaries and you will relent.

    Talk to him about how you are not comfortable with being coerced when a boundary is set.

    In the future, don’t go over to his place if you have a sexual boundary and tell him the reason you’re not going over is because he has already proven he will not respect your boundaries.

    I don’t think this has to be a deal breaker because he might have assumed you meant the boundary for sexual things was just for you because of your period.

14. Sounds like a typical horney guy in his 20s, but that doesn’t make it ok. Need to tell him that if you can’t just chill and be together without him needing to get off then that’s an issue.

    I was once that young guy wanting what I could when I could. But I never “begged”. Growing up my dad made it pretty clear that a woman says no, then stop. Better to just get yourself off later than either make a woman’s self-worth go down or force one’s self on them.

    He needs to know that you have self-respect, and he needs to meet that level as well, if he wants to really be with you as a partner.

15. First, why don’t you want to break up?
    Second, why do you think he’ll listen to you now?

16. I mean I’d tell him a nearly 30 y/o man begging for head like a whinny toddler isn’t hot, especially when someone is PMS’ing and has already said no. Contextualise it for him. Maybe he thought he was showing you how hot he thought you were etc etc but all it sounds like is a manchild from over here.
    Setting out that it wasn’t cool and your consent isn’t something to be worn down and won over would also be healthy (as is sticking to your own boundaries when they’re set).

17. My experience is that people (male or female) who are pushy and entitled about sex never get less pushy and entitled about sex. Your bf doesn’t care about your boundaries, he just cares about getting a blow job. You don’t want to break up, but he won’t get better about this.

18. Just one way of understanding this situation:
    First of all you are either in a relationship or not. Make it clear in your own mind and his. He apparently tried …. and succeeded by pushing your boundary further than you wanted or anticipated ….BUT …… you should have said NO, saying: I told you this and I mean it. If he cannot respect this rebuttal then he needs to learn the lesson that when you say NO, you really do mean NO! If he cannot accept this and he tries to force ‘something’ on you then head for the door! To persuade you in a sexy way that does make you change your mind and turns you on is one thing….. ignoring your true feelings is simply UNACCEPTABLE! Only YOU know how this actually went. If he can’t compl or doesn’t agree then you probably have your answer. Head for the door with your pride intact!

19. Coerced?

    Sorry, were you in anyway unable to say no?

    So he was pushy and you said yes. You are a pushover, you were not coerced. Maybe change the boyfriend up. Or open your mouth and say “nope”.

20. No means no, so act like it and* stay strong with your boundaries. Stop people pleasing. The only person you have to ultimately please is yourself. ‘Is doing this thing for this person going to make me feel good in the future or is it going to make me feel like shit?’

    At the same time, he should* know no means no, and respect that one no is enough to not push further. A fundamental basic many men, and women, don’t seem to understand.

21. Boundaries only work if you are willing to walk…

22. Say no. If he keeps it up, get in your car and bounce.

23. he just convinced you. next time stand your ground and be firm

24. He doesn’t respect you and he’s selfish. Do you really want a boyfriend with those qualities?

25. Pressuring someone to break clearly set boundaries is never ok. Tell him this and warn him to never do it again. If he does it again or is dismissive about what happened then break up with him.

    Leaving is the only power that you have if he won’t listen to you. I’m not one of those people that thinks every issue needs to be dumping territory but it needs to be in the realm of possibility or your boundaries have no weight to them. If he thinks he can trample you and you’ll stay the he’ll keep doing it.

26. tell him exactly how you felt and learn how to say no. if you see any type of future with this dude you need to set better boundaries and have blunt talks or this will just happen again and maybe escalate further.

27. If my gf tells me explicitly that she doesn’t want anything sexual to happen when I come over, I would only be there to cuddle and chill. Your bf doesn’t sound like a stand up dude. If he doesn’t actually show remorse for pushing you into oral, you should probably dumb his ass. Men who don’t listen, to the women they love/care about, aren’t worth being with.

28. Boundaries are for YOU. You set them, he crossed them, now what are you going to do about it? If you ignore it and move on and let him do it again and again, those boundaries doesn’t exist. If you’re not enthusiastic about a sex act, don’t do it. Ditch the dude, you deserve better.

29. The comments calling this rape are absolutely insane.

30. I checked out your post history, and you shared that this is a new relationship 10 days ago in your post asking how to be a good girlfriend. You’ve been together for around 2 weeks max at this point. You also shared that this is your first relationship, but he has had multiple long-term relationships.
    Knowing the above after reading this post, there are so many red flags! But I have 4 important points to touch on.

    1. An immediate imbalance with your ages. A 29-year-old has a wealth of knowledge and experience compared to a 23 year old. And you said yourself, he’s had multiple long-term relationships. He should know better than to behave this way!

    2. This is your first relationship. Do you think perhaps you’re overestimating the value of it because you don’t want to miss out on this new experience? Because there are many people out there who’d treat you well! You don’t have to settle just because this is your first and it’s new for you.

    3. If he is already able to push your boundaries and convince you to do something you’re uncomfortable with after only 2 weeks, he’ll continue to do it throughout your relationship. And it will become bigger and more uncomfortable things for you!
    They don’t stop pushing. The whole point is to see how far they can get without you pushing back!

    4. Any sexual activity should be enjoyable and consensual for all persons involved. Clearly, neither of those things is the case in this situation. So it is, in fact sexual assult!

    So, to answer your question, you can start a conversation about this by telling him straight up what he did was wrong. But, I’d rather share my advice on how to end it, which is to break up with him!