\*\*TL:DR\*\*: Following my MIL passing her husband has become a huge emotional, financial and mental burden. I need help to deal with this.
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My MIL (45F) fell last year, she was in a coma before she died last June.
During the hospital stay before she passed away, her husband just pretended that it wasn’t happening. He refused to make any decisions about her care, including when they let us know her brain stem was dead and therefore she would never be able to survive by herself. My husband who I have been with for 8 years, he is 26 Male, and his brother (21M) had to make the difficult decision to take her off life support. We were allowed time to say goodbye before they removed her from life support, her husband remained in the waiting area.
Following that, we paid for my MIL’s service. Her husband couldn’t pay the mortgage during this time so of course we covered that too. He was in a huge spiral of debt and he was very clearly alcohol dependent, which he decided to disclose as we were going through the few days following her death. They didn’t have any savings or life insurance but I was able to follow up on a death in service payment from her office in which he received 10,000£. Instead of using any of this money productively he has quit his job.
I tried so hard to keep him motivated and involved in our family, despite the financial and emotional burden he put on our family as we were also grieving the loss of my husband’s mum. My MIL’s husband told me ‘You just need to do what I do and forget it happened and just pretend it never happened’ so we can all move on.
6 months in to his grief her husband met another woman. Whilst I do not agree with moving on so fast, I did think it would provide emotional support to him and company. It also has very little to do with me as it is his own life.
However, since then I have had to distance myself from him as he is sending inappropriate and emotionally abusive text messages when drinking, asking me to lie to my husband or his brother, or inferring how judgemental I am and that I don’t want him to live his own life. It is almost like he is projecting his own guilt. The next day I get messages that are soppy and apologetic.
I know he is grieving and I am trying to understand his perspective. He is not my husbands father, but he is my BIL’s and both boys have now fallen out with him because of this behaviour. I tried to explain my perspective to him and even offered to help make arrangements for counselling for him. What should I do?
13 comments
You’ve done all you can. The next move is up to HIM.
I live with my parents and I lost my dad to a brain injury in 2020. It literally turned me into a different person. I hated people, I said things I didn’t mean, I was tired all the time. Honestly, a lot of people didn’t like me during that time and I didn’t like them.
In my opinion, give him time. It took me a few years to be back to myself. He also might need anti-depressants. I did therapy and it did not help me out nearly as much as just taking medication. That was what allowed me to be myself again. If there is a way you can suggest this to him, I would do that. Now I highly encourage people to take medication when they need to. It can make a big difference.
Also, there are some cases where someone meets another partner way to quickly, and there are times that a person just doesn’t want to be alone and so they rebound. My mom did something like this when my dad died. Luckily, she realized that it was not a good partner for her.
You need to disengage, or better yet simply don’t engage to begin with. Either decide to just ignore anything he sends, or tell him that you are going no contact to protect your mental well-being and block him.
You can’t stop him from spiraling, he’s an adult who is making bad decisions, he’s allowed to do that. But you are not obligated to take his toxic or abusive behavior.
This guy is your husbands stepfather and he didn’t care about your MiL while she was dying, correct? And he is now being unpleasant and not keeping up good relationships with his stepchildren. Is there anyone who wants to keep him around or in the family now? Just block him and move on with your lives.
Edit: how did your MiL fall? 45 is suspiciously young to die from a fall… was the stepfather the only one with her when she fell?
Wow. I’ve heard of head-in-the-sand, but this guy’s in a whole ostrich farm. Ignoring problems won’t make them go away! Ditch the guilt, stand your ground, and toss him a therapist’s business card. Maybe even throw in a pamphlet for AA. Grieving’s a thing, but exploiting your kindness isn’t. Remember, just because someone hands you a cactus, doesn’t mean you have to hold it!
He needs grieve counselling, BADLY!
Be honest with your husband, about the texts. Get together with your BIL and husband and try to come up with a way to get him into counselling. Again, be honest. This is important. You need to do this together
He’s just going to keep spiraling. Sounds like he’s got some untreated mental health issues on top of alcoholism. I’m 42 and have noticed that a lot of health and other issues that you don’t address in your 20s really start to catch up to you at this age. I recently lost an acquaintance to alcoholism a month or two ago and it put a lot into perspective.
How is your husband handling things? I want to say to cut off contact with FIL, but that would have to be a group effort.
You both shouldn’t have to deal with someone who is refusing to deal with themselves. People like him are only going to drag you down. I realize that sounds very harsh, but when you hold on to people like that they infect everyone around you with their issues.
My dad’s bio-mom was a real piece of work. She traumatized my dad throughout his life, and the fallout extended to me and my mom. It would have been better for everyone if we just never talked to her again, but “she’s family” even though she was a terrible person. If you can do a slow fade to a no-contact, that might be best.
Why do you have this much contact with this guy? Why isn’t your husband taking care of this?
This is not your responsibility.
Honestly you’ve done everything you can. You can’t make him get help. He’s an adult, he’s aware of his options. Time to do what you need to do to keep yourself sane now— which is likely going low or no contact. It sucks, but it’s better than the alternative.
If your husband and BIL have cut him off why haven’t you?
I think you need to block him. He’s using you as an outlet for all his stuff – guilt, grief, etc – and it’s totally inappropriate. Let him know you’re doing it, and why.
I suggest you stop trying to help him. He’s an adult, and even though he’s not good at adulting, leave him be. Let his sons take responsibility for him, if they want to, and leave the emotional support role to his new GF.
It’s doing your head in, and affecting your mental health. Let him lead his own life and distance yourself from being the recipient of his emotional baggage.
If neither son is willing to deal with him then it’s better for you to step off as well. You have your own shit to deal with.
You are bearing too much of this man’s burden here. He needs therapy and you are not his therapist. You need to distance yourself.