My girlfriend and I have been together for almost exactly seven years. Our anniversary is this Saturday, and I’ve been planning to propose on that day for months now. I’ve always wanted to propose on our anniversary, but every year before this one seemed too soon. We obviously started dating pretty young, and I didn’t want to ask her when we were still in college or before I had a steady job, but now we’ve both graduated and I have a good job. This finally feels like the right year to do it.
I bought a ring back in August, and I have everything ready for the proposal. I’m not doing anything elaborate or public because I know she would hate that (I’m asking her at my family’s ranch and it’ll just be the two of us), but I still planned ahead and set some stuff up. The only (living) people who know I’m planning to propose are my parents. I told them and my girlfriend’s dad, but I didn’t tell anyone else. I also asked the three people I told not to tell anyone else because I really don’t want to risk the surprise being ruined.
Unfortunately, my girlfriend’s dad died unexpectedly last Thursday. He had a heart attack and literally just dropped dead. These past few days have obviously been the worst of my girlfriend’s life, and they’ve honestly been the worst of mine, too. She was really close to her dad, and he was like a second dad to me (I actually met my girlfriend through him because he and my own dad were good friends). None of us have ever dealt with a loss like this before. His funeral was on Tuesday.
Now, here’s where I’m conflicted. I know it might sound insane to some people, but I’m still considering going through with the proposal on Saturday. I have a lot of reasons but here are the two main ones:
1. I really think it’s what her dad would’ve wanted. He nearly cried when I told him I was proposing, which was a huge deal because he’s not an emotional person. I told him just a few weeks ago and he was thrilled. It feels like some kind of sick joke that he died literally a week before he got to see us get engaged/married, but it almost feels like a sign. I don’t think he would want me to wait. I think my girlfriend would agree.
2. Everybody needs some good news right now, especially my girlfriend and her family, and there’s no one in either of our families that won’t be happy about us getting engaged.
But on the other hand, I’m scared I’ll look like self-centered jerk if I propose in the midst of all this….especially to the people who don’t know I’ve had this planned for months. I don’t want to be insensitive or selfish. I know I could wait – there’s no reason I have to propose on our anniversary – but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.
My parents are telling me different things. My mom’s saying to go ahead and do it Saturday and my dad thinks I should wait. I can’t ask anyone else’s opinion since it’s a secret. I thought about asking my girlfriend’s mom, but I’m pretty sure she’d accidentally give it away. She’s also grieving right now and I don’t want to ask her to help me make such a big decision at a time like this.
So here I am, asking Reddit. Should I go ahead and do it Saturday or should I wait? And if I should wait, how long?
TL;DR: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost seven years. Our anniversary is on Saturday, and I’ve been planning to propose on that day for months now, but her dad died unexpectedly of a heart attack last week. Now I can’t decide whether I should go through with the proposal on Saturday or put it off.
29 comments
I’m very sorry for your loss, both of you.
I think it’s worth breaking the secrecy of the proposal to talk to her about this. You can’t know what’s going on in her head at the moment. Maybe she doesn’t have the bandwidth to think about marriage right now. Maybe she would love nothing more than to go through this with you as her fiancé.
I would tell her that you were thinking of proposing soon and you want to know if it’s the right time for her. I think she’ll appreciate both that you want to and that you want to do it when it’s best.
> Everybody needs some good news right now
People also need time to grieve.
> But on the other hand, I’m scared I’ll look like self-centered jerk if I propose in the midst of all this….especially to the people who don’t know I’ve had this planned for months. I don’t want to be insensitive or selfish. I know I could wait – there’s no reason I have to propose on our anniversary – but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.
This is a deeply emotional time for her and her family, and while your intentions are heartfelt, the timing of a proposal so soon after such a significant loss could unintentionally add to her emotional burden. A proposal at this time might inadvertently place her in a situation where she feels compelled to shift her focus from grieving to celebrating, which could be challenging for her.
My proposal was only a semi-surprise. We’re better off talking things through with our partner unless they _LOVE_ surprises.
Don’t propose on your planned schedule. Give her enough time to recenter herself, then casually ask her what her thoughts & hopes for marriage (and a wedding) would be.
You don’t have to tell her your plans, but you do have to ask her wants
I don’t know about the proposal, you’ll have to read the room and only you know her and your relationship well. But two bits of advice I can give from my experience.
First, when losing a parent your whole world changes. My partner and I had discussed moving in just before my mum passed. When he started sending my links to houses, I felt it was really insensitive and like I’m being expected to close a book and start a whole new one.
Second, your girlfriend probably needs some reassurance, love, protection etc right now. Just be there for her, let her know that you are there to stay. You can make clear your intentions to get engaged without directly proposing and see how she responds. You can see where the conversation goes and let her know if it leads to it. This will help avoid how I felt in my first point.
Basically, just be there for her now and if she needs a proposal, go ahead. If she needs you to just be there, be there. It’s a really confusing time and emotions are all over the place.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Just to try and help you understand her headspace… My dad died three years ago when I was 27 and what she’ll be feeling right now is utter, immense grief – she’ll be emotionally and physically exhausted from it and, if she’s anything like me, these few weeks after the loss aren’t going to be weeks that she’ll want or be able to remember all that well in a few years’ time.
When I look back on the first month or two after my dad died, it’s kind of a blur – I remember being absolutely devastated because my whole world had changed, I remember feeling pain for myself but also for my mum but not a great deal else. A combination of sadness and sleep deprivation makes you run on autopilot a little bit and so it’s not all too memorable a few years down the line.
My wedding was supposed to take place that month that he died but, thanks to Covid, UK lockdown meant that we had to cancel. Honestly, I’m glad of that. I don’t want to associate anything happy with that time and honestly I don’t think she’ll want to either.
She’ll want to remember this happily – but if you do it now, there’ll always be a dark cloud.
She’ll also want to know that her dad was happy for her – it’s too raw right now for her to hear that.
Leave it 6 months at least, until she can hold a conversation about her dad without feeling her pain physically.
She’ll thank you for it.
I would absolutely wait. At least till new years, I’d do 6 months minimum. If you want to do the anniversary thing given it a year.
I can’t speak from experience but I think that last sentence you wrote *but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.*
You need to put your needs and wants aside rn. Dude it was like a week ago. She just buried him. Her needs right now are the priority. Is a proposal what she needs or does she need support?
Granted we don’t know her, we’re strangers on the internet. Personally, it would upset me more.
I think of it this way, you waiting a little bit is a safe bet. You doing it this weekend is a gamble.
I would wait. I lost my Dad suddenly and the tidal wave of grief was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Not even a proposal would have pulled me out of that so soon, even for a moment. I would give it some more time – and allow things to settle.
No.
My Mom battled cancer and lost. My husband proposed 6 months after her passing.
Sometimes I think he only did it because my Mom was sick.
We were dating for 8yrs at that point.
He did tell me that he had spoken to my mother at my brother’s wedding about marrying me so it alleviated some of the negative thoughts.
Honestly idk when a good time would’ve been.
Everyone grieves differently.
There is no right answer here unfortunately.
You just have to approach it gently I guess.
For me, being happy didn’t seem right even though I know my mother would’ve glad I found such a wonderful person.
Absolutely not. At a mere week in, she’s still *processing* this happened at all and probably hasn’t even started grieving. Proposing right now would be like proposing to someone in a coma. This could be overwhelming, confusing, upsetting. She may be numb, dissociated. It’s just…not likely to go well for either of you. It’s been seven years. You can wait a bit longer. Pause your plans and just be there for her right now. I would start re-considering when to propose after like six months.
As someone who’s lost their dad … no. I was not mentally stable for weeks/months and would have probably resented my partner if he put me in that position at that time
Absolutely not.
I think your intentions are sincere, however I also think you’re inadvertently being selfish. I realize what you wanted and planned was to propose on your anniversary but this is one of those moments in life where things just don’t always go as planned and a willingness to adapt to that reality is needed. Give her some time and grace to heal so you can propose to her at a time she won’t feel weighed by guilt for feeling happy. My condolences to you both for your loss.
Look, I’m The Prince of Darkness, and even I say that’s a bad idea. Foot off the gas pal.
I would wait; it doesn’t HAVE to be on the anniversary. Let her get back to feeling okay about life first
Don’t associate the decision to get married so closely with her father’s death. Also, she’s probably not in a good space to have the inner energy to consider and make a decision this big. Even if you guys are on this path and it’s not a big surprise, it’s a big decision.
A couple of months at least, if not half a year. Just an internet stranger’s two cents.
Wait.
She’s already feeling a lot of emotion right now and even though the engagement would be a happy event, it will only add more to her feeling overwhelmed. Her dad would still be happy if you got engaged months from now instead.
I think you are putting too much pressure on keeping it the same date as your anniversary. Honestly, it just doesn’t matter in the bigger scheme of things. It seems like you are hyper fixated on that date and she’s gone through a massive tragedy. When my dad died earlier this year I didn’t want anything in my path that would remind me of that time. I couldn’t even listen to music. I didn’t want to associate anything with his sudden deterioration and death. You don’t want her to associate your proposal so close to the tragedy she just suffered, because she will.
I beg you to please wait. Wait until she has time for the shock to wear off and stop fixating on it being on your anniversary. It’s too much for her to process emotionally.
Proposing on an anniversary is cliché. Give her six months to grieve, and propose exactly on your seven and a half year anniversary.
I know you mean well, but you need to give her time to focus on grieving. Unfortunately you will need to wait longer. On top of grief an engagement so soon after could likely intensify this grief because her dad won’t be there to be a part of the special occasion. Give her time to grieve please. If she is your forever person you can wait a little longer.
I don’t know if this is helpful but my mom passed the same week I was planning with my husband to start trying for a second child, I had an appointment to get my birth control removed and everything but then my mom died and I couldn’t do it anymore. At the time I didn’t want to do anything exciting and life changing without her to be a part of it. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could handle the idea of her not being around to be a grandma. I’d venture to guess your girlfriend is going to feel similar. I’m sure she imagined her dad walking her down the isle and now that can’t happen. She will always be sad about this but she won’t always be in the heat of fresh grief. Please give it longer than a week, please.
Definitely wait homie! She needs at least 6 months for her head to clear and enjoy the proposal and engagement properly.
You know the people involved best.
But having lost a parent – I vote absolutely not. No way, no how. I cannot even imagine being her at her parents funeral and people then asking about the engagement. Hard stop no. It’s awful enough.
Hold off, mate. Let her grieve. Otherwise she’ll always have a weird feeling when she thinks back on the proposal and engagement period and nobody wants that.
“Yeah, we got engaged 8 months ago. I remember because it was a week after my dad died..”
Wait. No one should make big desicions while grieving
As someone whose dad also just died..
No. fuck no.
It seems baffling you even need to ask..
There are more important things going on atm, than perfectly aligning a proposal with a date you first asked her out.
If you guys are meant to be, she will still be happy to think about planning a marriage in 8 months time or 18 months time.
In the big scheme of things – matching proppsal dates for an arbitrary reasons, is such a silly silly silly thing to be prioritising right now.
**There are far more romantic things you can do for her right now, which will be worth more than 500 proposals.**
Just be there for here whilst she is going though possibly the hardest moment of her life right now.
It would be completely unfair and selfish to throw a proposal in right now.
If she bursts into tears on the spot and they are tragic sad af tears .. will you be annoyed? If she still says yes, but never ever wants to think happily of your proposal day, and so therefore your anniversary – for the rest of your life… Will it be worth having matchy firstdate-proposal dates? No.
Don’t do it. Your priorities are all wrong right now. This isn’t about you or your coupledom ATM.
This is about her personal family tragedy.
Just be there for her.
You are so young.
proposals can definitely wait.
Don’t you dare. My mother died and I would never had wanted such a happy moment so close to a sad moment. Everything happy that happened around that time was lined with grief. Give it a month at least.
When I got engaged a year after my mother died I thought about my mom missing it and was heartbroken. I cried through the whole planning of the wedding and the day of because of my mom. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would have been if it was the week after.
No. She’s in shock and grieving. This is Not the time for big decisions. She’s in no right mind to make life altering decisions. I’m in my 40s, my mom died in 2020. I’m only Just now feeling like myself again. At 23? God knows how I’d recover.
2 points to add to the excellent advice you’re getting.
1. The longer you wait, the more it will mean to her that you already spoke to her dad about it. It will be so lovely to be able to tell her how pleased and excited he was. If you do that now, it’ll get lost in her overwhelming grief. If you wait, it’ll be like he’s a part of your celebration, and she will be very grateful.
2. If I were you, I’d make some record of all this, maybe on your anniversary? You could record a video message for her telling her what day it is and how torn you were about what to do. You can relay in detail your conversation with her dad. You can explain what you had planned to do on your anniversary. And you can explain why you didn’t think it was the right time, and when you plan to propose instead. You could make something really romantic of relaying that alongside the real proposal somehow. It would show such empathy, restraint, compromise, tact, prioritisation of her needs… All beautiful attributes for a long and successful marriage.