Hey all.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 4. We have 2 kids (4 M and 1 F) together and have immigrated to a new country a little over 3 years ago. We are also very open with each other and often use each others phones.
When we first started dating, I had just come out of a very toxic relationship that ended due to cheating. I told my husband this before we ever made it official and made him know that I won’t tolerate it. He obviously promised to the ends of the earth it wouldn’t happen.
A few months in, I was on his phone and a message came in from M (33 F). I didn’t open it at first as I knew he worked with a lot of females and needed to stay in contact with colleagues, but shortly afterwards another message came in. I thought it must be urgent, I’ll open it and let him know. Well, turns out it wasn’t a colleague, it was infact an ex and the conversation wasn’t the cleanest between the two of them.
I confronted him about it and he immediately blocked her and deleted her number off his phone, he told me it wasn’t serious and that he will never talk to her again, keep in mind, she’s married with two kids herself.
After that, I heard and saw nothing about M on his phone again.
Fast forward 8 years to this afternoon, he gave me his phone to help him apply for a job and he ran into the shop quickly, low and behold, a message from M comes through. Its a winking face and “Mwah”. I opened it immediately, and I nearly vomited. Turns out they never actually stopped talking 8 years ago, they are still very much flirty with each other.
I haven’t confronted him about it, I’m laying in bed next to him, nauseous and on the verge of vomiting.
How do I deal with this??? 😫😫
40 comments
By going nuclear. Wake his lying, cheating ass up and tell him to pack a bag. 8 FREAKING YEARS OF THIS? No, you’re with a cheater. Don’t listen to his trickle truthing about how nothing has ever happened and low and behold you’ve happened to just discover the worst of it blah blah blah. Just end it.
Are you in a different country from M if you emigrated? Might make a difference for your decision making here if it’s not physical. Not sure what the deal is, but it’s 8 years of betrayal no matter how serious it got. Can you take yourself away for a week or two? Go to a trusted family member or friend with the kids or leave them with him you need time to sort this out in your head.
Take screenshots for evidence, leave his cheating ass, and tell her husband.
You tell him you saw he still talking her and now he doesn’t get another chance to block her because either he leaves or you will, end of discussion.
He been cheating on you, your whole relationship, 8 years, there would be no fixing this even if be cries and says he will block her, to little to late.
So call him out and tell him he doesn’t get another chance to block her. She can have him.
Better yet I’d take his phone and text her.
” Hey, this is (his name ) wife. Please send me your address so I know where to send him and his stuff. you’re welcome to him.
Tell him to book his flight home because he no longer welcome here and you’ll give him until the end of the week to be gone.. then go stay on your parents sofa and block his number.
Divorce.
You contact her husband with neither of them suspecting a thing and coordinate simultaneous confrontations after you compare notes.
Man what a loser. He ruined a good thing.
Glad you know what to do next.
Sweetheart, I’m sure this is a lot deeper than just texting. Sadly, I think your marriage is over. He made promises he wasn’t keeping at the time from what it sounds like. He has lied to you every second of your relationship.
You send yourself the texts for evidence and then call a divorce lawyer.
The trust is gone. He will never stop lying to you. He has most likely physically cheated on you as well.
You divorce him.
Gather evidence, move quietly, pack your stuff when he’s at work block him on everything and if you guys have joint account make sure to empty before he knows you’re gone. have someone serve him the divorce papers, let that woman’s husband know what she’s been up to.
Therapist and skilled and ruthless lawyer. Serve it to him cold and unexpected.
Copy all the messages and leave him bleeding and surprised just like he left you to cheat the whole time.
Screen shots and a lawyer.
Just tell him you made it very clear in the beginning that cheating was a deal breaker and he has lied to you for 8 years and you are done.
Ask him does he want a divorce cause if he doesn’t stop that’s what will happen
Take your time.
The question is, is cheating a deal breaker for you? You’re married and have two kids, so maybe you don’t have the strength to blow up your life.
If you’re going to leave, get your finance settled and start speaking with a lawyer, they can direct you on exactly what to do. If you’re gonna stay, then tell him asap and let him make his lies.
Sorry but I didn’t understand if he cheated with this woman or they just have been texting. If the latter, I would still be mad because he promised you he wouldn’t speak to her ever, but did it. At this point I would ask why. Maybe he simply didn’t want to lose whatever connection they have? It would be crazy if he really wanted to sleep with this woman but has been waiting 8 years
I hope you sent yourself screen shots of the entire conversation or can forward the whole thing to yourself as you know he’s going to delete it and lie to you again.
I am very sorry that this has occurred.
You chose to forgave cheating even though you have been cheated on before. And this happened. Have you learned the lesson yet or do you need a few more years of being cheated on constantly?
Get yourself in order. All of your financials. Look for a lawyer he will advise if your options. Take screenshots of everything. Don’t forget to mark the message “unread”
What a shitty situation. To find yourself married to a liar and you have two small children. In a situation like this it is always better to take control of the situation. Your relationship is over. Trying to reconcile is very difficult and since you’ve already been in this situation chances are good he’ll just find a sneakier way to stay in touch with her. You cannot keep a man away from a woman he won’t leave alone.
It sounds like you don’t have a great support network so try and find a lawyer so that you can figure out what choices you have. At this point, he doesn’t know what you know so you can make your plans without him lying to you more about this woman.
You snap it and send it to both your husband and hers!
You divorce the liar…
You had told him how you would not tolerate cheating, so why are you tolerating it now for 2nd time finding out..
He sure wouldn’t be sleeping calmly beside me.. his butt would be awake having my wrath brought on his butt..
It’s been going on over 8 years.. I would stomp his phone into the ground and he would have a new phone number. And I would crush it right in front of him..
UpdateMe! Please
Learn break dancing and teach him about the dangers of drugs via a sweet hip hop throw down.
That’ll confuse him.
Girl my mom is a side chick for 8 years. The guy has 3 kids. I sadly have to live with her, she’s great to me and never had a nice man in her life, but I wish he was hers on 100% without it affecting the kids. But this will never happend because it is an affair. I am againts it but can’t say much, I’m young and a student and when I heard them do the deed and I got mad and kt escalated badly.
Oh I sometimes wish I knew his wife’s name to let her anonymously know. But I don’t. And I also want my mom to be happy but for the love of god leave him. I imagine my mom’s partner is the same as your husband and when I see him at our home….. trust me, leave!!!!
“I think I’d like you to move out for a while so I can think with a clear head on whether I want this marriage to continue due to your lying and infidelity”.
Don’t confront him until you have the divorce papers. Drop them on him and tell him to get his cheating lying ass out.
Don’t act hastily, create an exit plan, save money in an account this is yours only. let your family know what is going on and to play along with you. Try to .back track her phone number on the internet. You might get the husband name which lead you to her. When ready pack his bags and put them outside but make sure you have the locks changed. If not find a new home for you and the kids. Go no contact and block him on everything.
You ever seen that Madea movie where she tells the woman to pour hot grits on her husband?
Yeah, you do that hun
You leave. Who the heck would lie to you for that long??? Certainly no one who has your best interest at heart or someone who respects your boundaries. Bye!
The best time to leave him is 8 years ago when he did this the first time. The second best time is now.
Has the conversation been only flirty? Or is itnfull on sexting?
Is he getting something from her that he’s not from you, like an emotional void in your relationship?
Has he talked about wanting to cheat, or just flirting?
So many unknowns for you to throw this relationship away. Ignore majority of these stupid comments.
The fact she lives so far away, has kids and married… maybe that’s why he talks to her because he knows nothing will ever happen.
Sit him down and have a talk. You are both over 30 so hoping you can have a mature adult discussion 🤔
Keep us updated 😅
If they are remaining in touch all these years despite committing to spouses, their objections and conflicts specifically regarding their maintaining communication, they are probably never going to part. They have big feelings going on to continue on for so long, even if they aren’t meeting up in person. I am so sorry you are in such a spot. As much as you deserve answers I would not believe anything he says about her or his feelings about her.
I’d be done. He’s been lying to you for 8 years.
Oh so sorry. I feel his betrayal. Try to stay calm and see if this is a dealbreaker or not. In any case, you gotta face him. Its hard to believe him going forward. Was there more to their relationship? What is he and she getting from this? I know this must feel like a gut punch.
Do yourself a favor and don’t say anything go straight to a lawyer and listen to them…
The years of deception would be it for me. All the things that happened during the lie. He could look a person in the face and have children with them while lying. What didn’t he lie about?
Screenshot and send to her husband. Or send to her and threaten to tell her husband if she ever speaks to your hubby again. Wait for him to confront you about it or see if he does at all. If he doesn’t say anything by the next day then you confront him about it.