His last name is very generic, like Smith or Brown or something like that. I however have a very unique italian last name and heritage, I feel like taking his last name is like losing my identity.
I have brought up the idea of us both having new last names that we pick together, something I wish he was on board with but he is not, he won’t take my last name and that’s all good I get it. So for a while I was considering keeping my last name.
Then I had a moment where I looked into his eyes, emotions ran over me, and I wanted to take his last name so I said that I wanted to and he was so happy. I am still willing to but there is still that part of me worried about losing my identity. Any advice?
Edit: I do not want to hyphenate the names because my one is super long so the hyphenating will make it extra long which does not look or sound appealing 😬
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You can legally change your current last name to your new middle name when you marry. This used to be a common practice that has fallen out of fashion a bit.
Can’t you hyphenate?? Like smith-his last name. You don’t need to completely erase your family name you can include it as a married woman! Also it’s not common for men to take a woman’s last name so truly no man would agree to that lol but definitely hyphenate!!
Well in Spain we don’t take our partners’s last names. It is the normal way for me and I believe to be fairer. Our kids take both of our last names.
If it is important to you and your partner doesn’t mind, do it. Idk, talk to him about it and reach a consensus.
I have no advice but I’m in the same exact boat. I love my last name and I have a paper published with it as first author, so any citations are (MyLastName et al.). I don’t wanna hyphenate cause then my last name would be 12 letters AND he wouldn’t agree to also hyphenating his last name. I feel like I would lose part of my identity and I’m not budging on it. Ive told him that if how I feel about my own name isn’t important to him then he can marry someone else.
I, personally, would keep your last name. My sister is going through the name changing process and its been so much work for her. I think if you’re only “willing” to, and not still filled with excitement over the idea, its probably better to not.
Also. Kinda personal gripe. I’ve seen so many hetero couples where the woman does the vast majority of work to pull the wedding together, and then on top of that, needs to do all the paperwork for the name change after. So I’m pro “don’t do more work than you need to, girl” lol.
Hyphenate the two names.
What does losing your identity even mean? Whichever route you go you’re still you
Just keep your beautiful last name
Changing your name is a pain in the ass. Be very, very sure you want to do it before you go there.
You always have the option of keeping your own name legally but using his name socially when and if you wish.
Keep your last name!
Why change your name?
Changing your last name is a huge pain in the ass. Consider if he isn’t even willing to think about changing his last name for you then is he worth changing your last name for?
I kept my maiden name as my middle name and took his is my last name
Why should a woman change her name at all?
It’s assumed that of course a man won’t want to change his last name, except in extraordinary circumstances. But women are supposed to change their name unless they have a good enough reason not to.
Just look at your post. You lead with all the reasons why you want to keep your name. But your boyfriend just said he didn’t want to, and that was that.
You can, of course, do whatever you want. But don’t feel like you have to formulate a “good enough” reason for keeping your own name.
Please keep your name. You’ll regret it if you don’t. And as an academic, having a common surname will not help you. Your publications will forever be confused with those of similarly named academics.
I get this is awkward because you already told him that you were willing to change it, but you do have the right to change your mind.
My wife’s maiden name is now a part of her middle name.
This is just a tradition, which is basically dead people trying to make decisions for you in the present — if you know what I mean. I wouldn’t change my last name. Here you are making arguments for why you don’t want to do something (which are reasonable) and all your bf has to say is “I won’t take your last name” and that’s it? That’s some pretty embedded gender stuff right there. He won’t even consider a new last name. In his mind, your last name is unimportant enough that he wants you to drop it, but his is so important that he isn’t willing to drop his. How is that fair?
If he thinks it’s important that you have the same name, he can take your name.
Your name is cooler after all.
I do know a couple who did this.
I’ll be putting his last name as my middle name and keeping my last name
I don’t get the pressure to change your name. My first husband REALLY wanted me to take his name, and I did (with my maiden name as my middle name) and to me, it truly DID feel like the loss of my identity. At work my signature was FirstName MiddleName LastName so that my maiden name was always there, since that’s how I’d been known my entire career until I got married, and I didn’t want people to think I was a new random person. I really did not want to do it and I regretted it. I changed it back after I got divorced, and after a long and painful process to reclaim my name (there are so many steps, and they must be done in a certain order), I swore never to change it again. My current husband would have loved me to change my name to his, but he totally understood why I refused, because he felt the same way about his name. I offered him the opportunity to take mine, and his reflex was “But that’s my IDENTITY! That’s how people know who I am!” Then he sorta got my point. Especially since we were both pretty established in our careers at that point. So we just kept our own names/identities and all is well.
No shade to anyone who chooses to change their names when they marry, but if you feel like it will be a loss of your identity, listen to your gut and don’t do it. For social purposes, even if you do not legally change your name, you can always choose to go by “Mrs. HisName” – I know people who have done that, too. So at work / when traveling you use your legal name, and socially you use the married name with no paperwork needed. On my honeymoon I went by “Mrs. Husband’sLastName” because it was just easier at the resort. He loved that. When we left the parking lot at the airport, the cashier thanked “Mr. MyLastName” because I’d made the reservation. It was pretty funny. 🙂
Regarding paperwork – it is a huge factor to consider. My mom changed her name over 50 years ago and when she had to get her newest license, they required her marriage certificate because the name on her birth certificate didn’t match the name on her license. No joke, she had to contact the government of her birth state to get a certified copy, and it took weeks. Meanwhile, my dad walked out of the DMV with his shiny new license that day.
I was in this boat. I kept my last name, he kept his. It’s made 0 difference in our lives lol so if you want to keep it, keep it 🙂 long run its about keeping you happy.
You can also wait to change it until you you are sure
I also had deep cultural and ancestral ties to my last name. I did not legally change my name to my husbands…but I also don’t get mad or really feel the need to correct people when they refer to us by his last name.
My wife still has her last name from when we met. I didn’t/don’t care if she took my last name or not. We’ve been together 19 years and I don’t see any of that changing. Our kids have my last name, and we discussed the option of them having her last name or maybe putting a hyphen between the two, as it wasn’t a big deal to me, but she wanted them to use my last name. Sure people get confused a little when I mention my last name and they assume my wife has the same last name, or if I answer a call for her and they think I have her last name. It’s not a big deal to me.
In the end, it’s just a name. You’re still you, whether you have your last name or his last name. Would he be ok if you didn’t take his last name? I think if it’s me, I’d keep the last name. If I’m him, I really don’t care, because I’m marrying the person I want to spend my life with. That’s more important to me than a last name.
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Please don’t give up your unique name and your identity just to satisfy some man’s fragile ego and outdated notions of patriarchy. Keep your own name. You’ll regret it if you don’t, trust me.
I have been married for 25 years and never took my husband’s last name. We have four kids together and other than a couple of family members who would do passive aggressive stuff like send Christmas cards to both our first names, his last name it has never been an issue and I have never once regretted my decision.
Keep your name. Mine is lovely and I changed it to my first husbands atrocious last name, I was so glad to get it back. My current husband likes it so much he wouldn’t want me to change it. Our daughter has my last name as her middle name.
You should do what you think is the right thing to do.
It’s easy to ask other people, who don’t know you or your situation, what you should do, but you’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your choices. That’s worth taking it seriously.
Just keep in mind that things like this generally do not lock you into a specific path. You can always change your mind.
Can’t imagine demanding my wife take my last name. There’s just not one single non-patriarchal justification for it.
I kept my name and just added his last name to the end, no hyphen. So I am Mrs. HisLastName but also My Full Name HisLastName.
I never dropped anything, just shifted so my last name functions as a second middle name.
We are collectively The HisLastNames.
Over time it’s a PITA having to sign all of the names on forms some times but it’s an available compromise.
It seems no one changes their name anymore. My day was different— it was unusual not to.
Whatever you do, I promise the other one will get used to the idea.
Honestly, screw taking the man’s last name. Keep yours.
My first marriage I changed it. Took FOREVER. And if you miss something, depending on what it is, you better have back up documentation to prove you’re the same person. When we divorced I changed it back. Got married last month… not going through that hell again. Though I won’t correct people if they call me his name socially
I wanted the same last name as my children, so I added my maiden name to my middle name (which is my mom’s maiden name, so I wanted to keep it as well). Like in much of Latin America. Is long if I have to write it all out, but that’s rare since I usually just go by my first and last names.
I’m picturing Spaghettini-Smith 🤣
Keep your name. It sounds like it’s an important part of your identity.
You have an Italian name? Women in Italy don’t change their names when they get married! If you don’t want to, respect YOUR ancestral traditions regardless of where you live now and keep your name.
How about a hyphenated name combining both. It is certainly common today for women to keep their family name. My wife kept hers & it was never an issue & did not threaten me as a male. We made her family name the middle name of each of our kids. No hyphen.
Didn’t change mine. My SO was divorced and I didn’t want to be referred to as the second Mrs_____.
In our relationship, it was a non issue.
I think you should keep your name. You like it, you said you want to keep it, so you should.
There is literally no compelling reason to change it to his. If it bothers him, you should ask him to look deep into himself to figure out why, then come back to you with whatever the reason is.
It’s most likely either an issue of male ego (his problem to deal with, not yours), or him feeling like taking his name is an act of love or commitment, to which you can counter that he can take your name if that’s the case.
When I got married I kept my name and my husband couldn’t care less, because he’s both rational and secure in himself.
You can make your last name your new middle name
Mine is the opposite. I went from a common, easily spelled name to my husband’s more exotic, always misspelled and mispronounced name. There were many occasions BC (before Covid) when I’d make restaurant reservations under my maiden name because it was just easier. I wish I’d never changed mine.
Keep your name. You can always change it later if it feels right.
Keep yours and ask him to take it too. Remind him how many years women had been all but owned by men and he owes you one if he pulls any macho the woman is supposed to take the guys last name bull.
I kept my name after marriage. Never occurred to me not to keep it, especially professionally. It also never bothered me to occasionally be referred to as Mrs xxx socially. I would correct only if I thought it necessary, with the kids school or sports organizations.
Since keeping your original surname was not as common 35 years ago, I’d remind anyone questioning it that Elizabeth Taylor was always Elizabeth Taylor – even though she had many husbands. Shows you how old I am 😬
And it was never an issue with the children having a different name.
Keep your last name.