I’m (25F) seeking advice on a complex situation with my boyfriend (35M). After three years together, he’s expressing uncertainty about our “chemistry” but is hesitant to end things.
Our relationship generally thrives. We love each other, we have shared interests, and spend ample time together. However, every few months, he becomes distant and irritable, raising concerns about the future. When questioned, he attributes this to a broader life crisis and fear of aging, but he also mentions he has doubts about our relationship’s trajectory.
These phases last a few days to a week, followed by apologies and a complete return to normalcy for the next few months.
Recently, he admitted to having doubts about our chemistry. I was surprised and hurt by this. When I asked him what he meant, he said he wishes I was more playful and less serious all the time. I suggested ending it if he’s unsure about things, and he said he understood if I want to break up.
However, when I started looking at apartments later that week, he changed his stance, expressing a fear of losing me and claiming that he was just self-sabotaging. He was in tears, and I’ve only seen him cry like one other time.
I’m torn because I love him, but his recurring uncertainty weighs on me. Our living situation complicates matters – we share a spacious 2BR house he owns, conveniently located close to both of our workplaces. I contribute significantly to his mortgage, but I still pay significantly less than I would to rent a place around here. If I moved out, it could be financially challenging for both of us.
He’s now pleading for me to stay, but I’m uncertain about a future with someone facing repeated relationship doubts. Should I try and work things out with him and suggest he go to therapy? Or should I just leave even though it will be extremely painful?
Tl;dr My boyfriend goes through phases where he doubts our relationship, and I don’t know where to go from here.
37 comments
I don’t think there’s a future with someone this wishy-washy after 3 years. It doesn’t really sound like he’s done any kind of introspection or work to figure out where this is coming from and he just expects you to stick around and ride out the crisis every time, That’s not healthy for a relationship
He needs to go to therapy. Whatever’s going on has nothing to do with you. He’s clearly having some sort of insecurity about himself and his life and it’s being expressed through his relationship.
What appears to be potentially happening: Your boyfriend has an idea of what he wants his life to be and you are not in it. This is why he is constantly trying to get away from you, but then he probably fears he won’t find another companion as good as you if he does leave, so he convinces himself to stay. (Edit: Another variation if it is cheating is that he is interested in someone else who isn’t a sure thing and he doesn’t want to give up the security you provide him until he can tell for certain he has a chance for a future with someone else.) Then he is reminded of his aspirations and the cycle continues. The bottom line is that this person believes he is settling for you rather than pursuing what he truly wants for himself, and those feelings aren’t going away anytime soon.
If I were you, I would take some time to seriously consider whether you are truly able to commit yourself indefinitely to a person who feels they are settling for you. No one wants to be second best to a fantasy. Also, should you decide to remain with him, please at least set up an emergency kit of finances and such for yourself because he might bump into what looks like his future aspirations later down the road and suddenly abandon you. It may be helpful to find yourself a therapist and explore these factors and your possible low self esteem which compels you to remain with this person under these circumstances. Best of luck, OP.
Sounds like he wants to be with someone else, and is frustrated about it, but doesn’t want to let go of his meal ticket.
I mean how does he expect you to react to that kind of news? Like you’ll change your entire personality to keep him happy? Let him go
He’s 35…if he’s not popping the question after 3 years, plus saying he doesn’t know if you two have chemistry…then he doesn’t really want you. He doesn’t want to let the relationship go yet because he hasn’t found who he’s looking for but needs to keep you around for sex and companionship. Trust and believe, once he finds what he wants, he will dump you. Your best bet is to walk away from him. Don’t listen to anything else he says. Even if he begs you back…keep moving forward. Don’t let him waste anymore of your time.
No, it’s not fair for him to be expressing doubts like this every three months. If it’s truly an internal problem he needs to get therapy or medication to address whatever downswings in his mood are causing him to lash out at you. I don’t think it’s a bad idea at all to tell him to get therapy. And when things calm down, I would do a little digging. Do these moods REALLY come out of nowhere? Or does he stew on questions for weeks leading up to the confession, and then blows his top finally because he can’t hold it in any longer? The theme of the complaint seems persistent: you’re good for now, but I have doubts about our compatibility as long term partners. That’s not very encouraging.
For what it’s worth, which is not much, I have a friend that does this to her girlfriend every few months. She does have mental health issues but she also generally does not say particularly nice things about her girlfriend outside of the cyclical meltdowns, either. I wish they would break up because it’s also a situation with a big age gap, where the younger partner has so much time to find someone who isn’t always throwing them down a rollercoaster, but they’re wasting their youth with this older person who is not treating them well. Dating does become significantly more difficult the older you get, in my experience. Less single people. A lot of societal bullshit to contend with as a woman.
I would really look at your relationship with your bf long and hard. Make 100% sure you are not settling. “I pay less money for rent” is not a good reason to stay with a person, especially at 25. It’s super easy to find roommates and cheap rent at that age.
You’re getting to old and mature for him. He wants to trade you in for the younger model, someone playfull and less serious (and easier to control).
I’d look at other opportunities now, it sounds like he’s using you as a safety net and back up plan until he decides what he wants or finds something else.
Even though he had good communication and let you know he’s now put you in a reasonably unfair position of limbo.
You’re way to grown to sit around waiting for a guy to decide if you have chemistry. Chemistry is something you figure out on the first few dates, not 3 years later.
I would leave. Chemistry is very hard to create and it’s difficult to describe why it’s not there. It’s like an “it” factor. I think he used the word for a reason and I don’t think chemistry is something you can work on. You either feel like it’s there or you don’t.
He wants the sex, not the commitment.
You’re not Mrs Right for him. Just Mrs Right Now. It’s convenient for him to string you along because you have sex with him and make his life easier and cheaper.
After three years, if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, it’s a no. Sounds like finances are the only things keeping you together. Move out, get a roommate, let him get a roommate. Even more painful would be spending years trying to be enough for a guy who’s just not that into you and never will be.
It’s crunch time for your relationship. 3 years in, it’s time to make a firm decision one way or the other. Your boyfriend is 35 years old and he’s much too old to be playing these games and to be so unsure of himself. You need to insist that he make a firm decision one way or the other ; either he’s going to stay with you and you’re going to make a go of it or he’s going to end things. If he decides on the former then you insist that he makes no more comments about having doubts, questioning your chemistry, etc. ever ; you’ve decided to commit yourselves to each other so that’s that, done deal! Tell him that if he brings up doubts, questions about your chemistry, etc. then you’re walking.
This sounds very toxic – so a 32 year old hooks up with a 22 year old and has her pay chunks of his morgage (I wonder too how much heavy lifting you do in the relationship) and just wants you to be “happy” all the time.
God only only knows what happens when you actually need this person reliably, I suspect the longer you stay in the relationship the more eggshells you’ll walk on until the dynamic will be that you allow him all the power and control because he’s the one with ‘doubts’
Don’t be fooled ” he was just self-sabotaging.” wow how selfish, what about YOU may I ask, its rather telling that he sees hurting you or driving you away through the lens of hurting himself
He’s literally telling you that he’s doubting how he feels about you (chemistry, etc), and then back-tracking because he knows you are capable of leaving (as you probably should). He tells you what he thinks and then cries and tries to explain that he’s self-sabotaging and didn’t mean it and please don’t leave … He knows that you pay less living with him, making it a financial challenge for you to leave, yet he seems to be manipulating you into a vicious cycle of doubt that returns every few months (distance, unfounded doubts, loss of chemistry) to rear its ugly head. He’s showing you a clear pattern of emotional (inconsistency) and even physical (he knows it’ll be financially challenging for you to move) manipulation, OP. These warning signs are consistent, every few months as you claim. What will it take for your self-preservation to take precedence over placating his indecisiveness? This constant lack of emotional and physical security is hurting YOU most of all. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel NONE of these things. Do you believe that?
He’s 35 and still has no idea what he wants, is dating someone 10 years younger and says you’re too serious?
He’s a child, I don’t think this will work out the way you hope it will
At 35, 3 years in, while living together, he should have clarity if this is heading toward a long-term relationship.
I’m concerned about your age gap. I’m concerned about his inconsistency (and likely, fear of commitment). I’m concerned that he jumps as soon as you show him you’re seriously considering being independent and moving out.
I think you were on the right track with seeking the new apartment. While it may be a challenge financially for a little while, I think it is best for you… regardless if he decides he wants to pursue, chase, court you again, etc. and re-establish the balance of the relationship OR if you take time to yourself to heal from this situation to be fully open for someone else.
Don’t make it easy for him to keep you around because it benefits him financially. And, don’t do the same for yourself by staying in a situation that isn’t good for you.
Did you watch Priscilla by Sofia Coppola by any chance?
Elvis literally does this to Priscilla on the regular – to the point where she at one point just begins acquiescing and getting ready to leave calmly (while pregnant no less).
This move is about control. I’d leave if I were you. Ppl who play games like this just get worse and worse after they feel like they’ve got you nailed down.
And I mean he turned on the waterworks once he found out you’re NOT nailed down (like Elvis did lol) to get you to stay. He will try this shit again.
What is he, *of his own initiative*, doing to address his “self sabotage” so that he stops doing it every several months?
Given that you’re asking if you should suggest that he try therapy, I would guess he is choosing to do nothing.
If he actually believed he had a problem and that he needed to change his behavior, he would be trying to do something about it. He isn’t.
Girl, break up and move on with your life. You don’t need this mess:
Occasional doubts don’t bother me personally, it can be seen as good to put thought into making sure you are compatible, usually surface doubts are a result of a problem being ignored. What you’re describing sounds like chronic doubt, which I say is a red flag, especially if he has no true introspection on why he has doubts. Plus his fear of losing you comes into play and then comes back to you, that is just draining and unloving towards you. You deserve someone who makes effort to show you that you’re their world, not just a convenient vacation. Committed relationships typically mean you grow together and become stronger, being lukewarm will eventually make it wither away. Financial issues can always be figured out, even if tough. Your emotional and mental well-being is more important.
Sounds like he is settling and likes the financial convenience of you paying his mortgage. You deserve better.
He’s waiting for the “bigger, better thing.” You are just a placeholder until (if) that ever comes around. Dump him and find the guy that thinks *you* are the bigger, better thing. Odds are he will never find better, but some people just destroy themselves over FOMO. Let him. Move on.
Leave. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you and are in the prime of your life.
Break up for him.
He clearly doesn’t see you in his future and he’s stringing you along. The age gap is also a concern, maybe you’re becoming too independent and hard to control now which he doesn’t like. So he’s trying to neg you and make you feel insecure so you try and behave in a way that’s more suitable for him “to save the relationship”. When in reality the relationship is dead.
He’s just not that into you. Move on swiftly.
Tell him you don’t — then leave. Don’t be sad and wait for someone to pick up.
Looking at the ages… girl just leave. Continue to date him if you want but definitely take a huge step back. At 35 he is too old for this.
He needs to be able to articulate what his issues are with the relationship. Is he worried he’s too old for you, is he worried about something like financial/earnings potential differences? There are a million things and if he can’t name them besides “chemistry” (which changes over time, and is often more present in more toxic relationships)… that’s silly business.
Sounds like there is more to it than he is communicating
You ever wonder why a 32 year old started dating a 22 year old?
Let’s ignore this chemistry thing for a minute.
Do YOU want to be with someone who pulls away every few months? Does that feel like a fun and secure way to live? Waiting for him to decide if he wants to be with you?
Cue Beyoncé “All the single ladies”
Play the song loudly and dance joyfully with your hands in the air as you walk out the door.
Men aren’t stupid. He’s 35 and y’all have been together for three years, yet he’s still doubtful? Spare yourself any more time wasted with this guy.
Sure, it’ll be difficult living on your own and learning to be single again but you’re 25 and you’re at your prime! If he doesn’t feel chemistry after 3 years together, he won’t 3 more years thereafter. Time to pack it up
2 years ago, I (24f) broke off with my (33M) boyfriend of 3 years. I’ve always had a serious personality and he was anything but. It was the best decision to make because our life goals didn’t correlate and he was too immature for his age. This was incredibly difficult because we were so close and our families were very close too.
Don’t be afraid to leave something comfortable. I can assure you that there are so many good men out there. Men who are serious. Men who won’t depend on you to pay THEIR bills. Men who will love you despite your faults.
I’m sorry, love, but you are a placeholder. You don’t have to be, don’t let your boyfriend keep you from your future husband.
Edit to add, the rudeness and irritation are to keep you distant but close. Constantly questioning the relationship and unwilling to bring up marriage.
This man was too old to pursue a 22/23 year old to start with and certainly too old to be playing these games.
Someone else said he was settling for you until something better comes along and that’s exactly what is happening but here’s the thing…
You don’t need his permission to break up. You don’t have to keep putting up with this. Will it add a bit of financial stress? Apparently, but do you want to waste another 5 years only for him to finally choose someone else and you have nowhere to go? Cause that’s what’s going to happen if you don’t take on some autonomy in this situation.