My husband (32M) and I (28F) have been married for 2 years and he has been depressed for most of our marriage because he’s not where he wants to be in life despite his efforts.
I am the breadwinner and prior to our marriage, I agreed to support him in every way I could, thinking it was just temporary and that our love will keep us together. Looking back, I can see how naive I was because he’s not the same man anymore. The depression has changed him: we don’t talk that much despite my initiations, he’s emotionally unavailable and his hygiene has become poor. I fully understand this happens with depression especially because I’ve gone through a version of this myself.
I’ve also realized I’m not a strong wife. I get tired and overwhelmed easily, and I suspect I may have mild ADHD which complicates things. Doing most of the cooking and cleaning and life management has gotten to me, plus I have my own struggles I’m dealing with. So I often feel my needs aren’t being met. The difference is that when I’m down, I still look to him for comfort and want to be around him. With him, it’s like I barely exist.
To top it all off, our compatibility is low and has been from the beginning. For example, he doesn’t really believe in therapy or at least paying for it and I do, so getting any form of individual or couple’s counseling is out the window.
I want a divorce because I’ve reached my limit and there’s no more joy left. Part of me believed he could be doing more to help himself but idk what that looks like. I feel guilty for giving up on him but I really feel like I’ve tried to be supportive and given him time to progress but nothing has changed. Ive suggested we get out of the house, watch movies and other activities but they don’t help. I’ve expressed these feelings to him many times before but he just says I’m being selfish. So am I a terrible partner for leaving?
34 comments
Sounds like he’s the terrible partner. He is going nowhere and unwilling to do anything to fix it, but then blames you and isn’t even appreciating all you do for him. Game over. He’ll be better off without you because right now you’re just enabling him to not deal with any of his issues.
How long has he been this way?
Drowning with him won’t change anything. Be free.
Marriage is definitely “give & take” and there’s certainly going to be times where you might find yourself doing more of the work. However, this sounds like you’re the one constantly giving and constantly bearing the burden of his mental state. You don’t sound insensitive to his depression but if he’s not actively trying to do anything to work on it then he’s not being good to himself, and he’s not being a good spouse to you. You can’t continue to put this load on your back to carry alone, it’s just not fair.
I’d start with a separation. If he were to get help and medication would you be willing to reconsider? That’s separation. You’re halfway to either destination.
Also, this is often the slap in the face a depressed spouse needs to get help.
Have you spoken to him that you’re ready to divorce at this point. Previous user said drowning with him is no way of life either but he is your husband after all, this isn’t some boyfriend situation. Look, marriage isn’t always easy and it’s situations like this that test the love and work you’re willing to put in. I would put it out there if he doesn’t get help, then you’re leaving, simple as that…he has to pull his own weight and man up. My wife was there for me when I got sober and gave up drinking and I’m such a better husband because of it. But if you still love him it’s time to put all your cards on the table and if he isn’t willing to work on himself and move forward then you have no choice but to leave. In his current state he is not an adequate husband and definitely couldn’t be the father to your children. Good luck!
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You’re not terrible.
Going through this myself but sprinkled with some emotional abuse. Leave. Its hard as hell. I’m struggling but you know what I’m not going to deal with… This for another 40/50 years. Be strong, you got this!
Well, if he’s not helping himself then he’s not helping the marriage and disrespecting you. You have to do what’s best for you. Since he has no desire to seek counseling and continue to place undue emotional burden on you, you have every right to relieve yourself from this marriage. Take care yourself and be well!
I can’t tell you what to do – you have to make that decision for yourself. But, I will share my experience.
I was in a very similar situation and stayed for many years – doing everything I could to fix him and fix the marriage. After 10 years with him including six years of marriage – I had to do an internship for my master’s degree in another country and he refused to come with me (despite a lack of job or any other reason), so I moved abroad for two months on my own. This was the pivot point for me. I spent my free time researching relationships & psychology, traveling on my own. I had amazing conversations with my house mom about her regrets of staying in a bad marriage for many years.
In the end – when I felt I had done everything within my control to make things better – and I couldn’t… I finally filed for divorce.
Seven years later, I can confirm this was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. I thoroughly enjoyed my freedom and then I met and quickly fell head over heels for the love of my life and we are six years into the most amazing marriage. I absolutely LOVE my life now.
But again – this is a very personal decision. The two final questions I asked before I made my decision:
1.) Have I truly done everything I can to fix this situation? I knew I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I hadn’t.
2.) Would I rather be single for the rest of my life than married to this person?
I wish you so much love and support and true happiness while you carve your path. Use your resources and tune into yourself and your needs…you got this.
For better it for worse…. Through sickness and in health…..
Sounds like my sister and her deadbeat husband. Dude can’t hold a job, doesn’t belive in therapy, and probably has bipolar disorder.
What state are you in?
No kids? Split or at the very least separate with counseling as a condition of reconciliation
I get it. But give your marriage a chance. Specifically, you may need some space (separation). You need to protect yourself, but then work on the marriage from afar. The author of 5 love languages (which has been personally incredibly helpful) also wrote a book called hope for the separated. Look up a summary see if it calls to you.
Oh man I feel for both of you but he needs to get it together. You can’t live your life walking on egg shells. I know how it feels to be drowning in depression. Depression and ptsd are an awful combo. I was the same way. I refused to see anyone. I thought it was all mumbo jumbo and thought it was silly paying someone to hear me talk. It almost became the death of me. Hitting rock bottom will prob need to be what he needs. So maybe a separation might kick his. It on to gear.
I truly wish you the best and hope you can get a breather as well.
Be ready for him to beg if you say you’re going to leave. Stay firm with the decision you chose to pursue.
My aunt was in a marriage with someone she had been with since she was 17. She was the breadwinner while her husband had chronic fatigue syndrome. One day she came home from work & he was gone. No note, nothing, just packed a bag & moved to another state to be with some woman he met online. She put all of herself into that marriage & being there for him as best she could while supporting both of them & then found herself alone at 34 & completely taken by surprise by it & devastated.
Don’t waste your pretty years on a one sided union with a dude who isn’t right for you. You don’t get to do this life thing over & time wasted is incredibly expensive in the long run.
You can fuxk your whole life up loving the wrong person. Don’t feel bad about leaving, you’ll be allowing both of you to find people in life that you’re each better suited to being with.
He needs to be in therapy. If he refuses to get the help he needs, how can he expect to help the marriage? You have to give a marriage 100% before you quit and if he won’t give 100%, there’s nothing else you can do to fix things by yourself.
Leave him. He’s a terrible and almost non-existent partner. There are too many trade programs for him to not get off his behind, learn new skills, and contribute the way he should. Sounds like he’s using you as a crutch and wallowing in pity. Take that burden off yourself. There’s nothing anyone can do until he decides that he wants better for himself and implement a strategy.
When we get married, we have vows that tend to say with “sickness and in health.” Mental health does fall into that area. Our job as a spouse, is the try to help the person we love through the worst of situations and problems.
However, your husband has been sinking for a long while. You have been there fighting for him, with him; all while he refuses to do what needs to be done. Yes, it is hard to see the end of the tunnel and think it is the way out and not a runaway train bearing down on us in the dark. But You was standing with him, holding a flashlight lighting his path.
Seeking help can be hard. But he had you. And then when he still was sinking, dragging you down into the deep; he refused to latch onto the life preserver you tossed. There is only so long you can tread water alone, but that time is even less when your trying to save a drowning person. He has been pulling you down and it needs to end.
You should tell him right out the full issues. That while you understand his mental health struggles, he has been making it worse for you. Just like here, explain how you have been caring for him, all while struggling with your own issues. And he has refused to seek help. That if he will not get help, or shows signs he is changing for the better; then you see no option but to end things. He either needs to be given one last chance to work on his issues for real; or at least understand the reality of what he is doing to you is why your walking away.
But it is clear you have enough of a reason to end things. He has not gotten help that he needs. And he is taking you down with him. There is has been enough time passed for you to no wait, but I wonder if your willing to give him a “This is it” moment.
If he was actively trying to seek help and make his life better, then that’s one thing. But I think the fact that he’s making zero effort to be healthier and happier, gives you the green light to leave.
It’s not his fault he has mental health issues. But it’s certainly his job to handle it.
I wouldn’t want to be with someone who called me selfish when communicating needs. The other depression stuff, I’m pretty sympathetic too. I think that could be worked through, if he didn’t see your needed/goals as “selfish.” My husbands needs and mine are sometimes not aligned, but he’s not selfish, for say- having higher social needs than me. Likewise, I’m not selfish for setting up a boundary that I really prefer not to socialize more than once a weekend, with the rest being downtime or family time. We’re just different and can exist together with different needs. Those needs shouldn’t be deemed selfish or unimoortant.
One middle ground to leaving right this second is building the life you want, as much as you can, within the marriage. Live the way you want to, don’t ask permission, just do whatever you’d be doing if you were alone. Sometimes people get inspired and come along. Just say, “I’m taking this ceramics class every Saturday, maybe meet me for coffee afterwards?” But definitely go yourself. Maybe he’ll shut down even more, maybe he won’t. Either way you’re building resilience, meeting your own needs, making friends, and getting acclimated to possibilities for your life outside of this marriage. Maybe you’re already doing this, IDK. Just thinking by the “selfish” comment that maybe he’s guilt tripped you into wallowing.
You married him for his potential, not for who he is. That was your first mistake. Your feelings are totally valid and I don’t blame you for them at all. He puts no effort in and still expects everything from you. Depression or not, he’s not willing to help the situation. You’ve done all you can. Only he can get himself better and he clearly doesn’t want to. You deserve more. Go find someone who makes you happy as they are, not who you hope they will be. Good luck!
PS I have depression and dissociative tendencies, I know I can get bad and it’s kind of a toss up each day as to how it will affect me. But I’ve been to therapy and I have coping mechanisms that help me be mindful of it. When I come out of the fog I discuss it with my husband and apologize for my distance and do better. Your husband can’t be bothered.
This is a situation where you absolutely can tell him thing have to change, or I’m out and part of that change is both individual and couples therapy. Then you just have to keep that boundary sohe doesn’t pull you down with him.
Sounds like you both have become incompatible. If efforts were made and still no luck. Move on. No point ruining and resenting him by being in such a relationship.
If someone’s not willing or capable to work on themselves, then they’re _certainly_ not going to work on a relationship.
You should not be the victim of that.
If my wife would hit rock bottom, I would do all I can to help and support her, but _she_ has to do the actual work.
You’re still young and have no kids. Even though it will take time to grief and heal, I think it’s better to choose yourself over this marriage in the long run.
Nope, you’re an amazing wife and he absolutely does not deserve your ass
The good thing is you have realised now and not in 10 years down the road with 3 kids and an useless husband. Sorry but he sounds like an user. He sounds like a man-child. You have been supporting him from the beginning and he has done nothing to better himself but feel petty for himself. This is not healthy for you, he is a grown adult and doesn’t take any responsibility in the relationships or with you. My question is: what is there to really love? You are feeling alone and used in your own marriage. Sometimes we really try to hold onto the idea of things working out but in reality we know deep down we don’t love them because there is not reason to do so. And it’s okay, it’s okay to leave and do better for yourself. You will find your person, it’s not him, not because you haven’t done enough but because he will never do it (even if he says he will change he won’t)
You can’t help him. You’re not a professional. He needs professional (& possibly medical) help.
If he’s unwilling to get or receive help I agree with other comments that its time to go.
I lasted 7 with a man drowning in his depression. He had left the military (major life adjustment), started college but performed poorly (he blamed me for him later quitting school, realistically he flunked most of his courses in the last semester because he refused to study. God he would fight and sulk with every grade below an A), and he started working security and felt he deserved way more than I could provide. He wanted me to clean and do all the yardwork and house repairs. He wanted me to buy him fast food every day, or cover extra bills so that he could buy fast food. We both gained weight and he would bully me to lose weight. When I started losing the weight, he would tell me that I would only put it back on, made fun of me any time I put on makeup or nice clothes telling me I wasn’t pretty enough to take selfies. He spiraled and eventually started to get physically violent. He hid money issues, refused intimacy, and much much more.
One of the best things I learned when I left my husband is that you are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions. You are not selfish for wanting a life that includes joy. Naivety gets us all in our youth. Best of luck to you as you heal from this marriage, but no, you are not a terrible wife.
You said he was like this from the beginning so why did you marry him?
So, “FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH….” didn’t mean much to either of you. You are both young and perhaps didn’t really think of what marriage really is. Get out while you can if you must and maybe be a bit pickier next go-around especially if you recognize their faults and yours. Sorry to be so brash but marriage isn’t “moving in with someone” it’s a commitment and this country and our people honor less and less of them each generation. As a married man for 16 years, believe me when I say that marriages have “weathers” and sometimes the weather is story and sometimes lovely. You will never fix someone without fixing yourself and choosing the right partner instead of a child to watch over. You are part of the equation so exhaust all possibilities first and maybe go do therapy on your own to hopefully show him the light and lead him there as a strong spouse. You would want the same right?
I knew a man who got a permanent job with a railroad as a brakeman, then fireman, and finally engineer. He too, wanted to become professional, a psychologist. He went to night school, earning a B.S. M.A., and finally a PhD. In Counseling Psychology. He then started his own company, conducting stress workshops and working with people dealing with PTSD and those needing career consultation. He knew the railroad job would provide him and his family with a living wage income while he prepared for his dream job!