Do u think I m normal?

I m gonna start with a lil context, I started my 1st job last year and was recovering from anorexia and had gained a lot of weight and I had lost a family member too. I have not had the best childhood and grew up with domestic violence. I still remember having to explain my parents behaviour to police and trying to hide blood several times. Although I know ppl have it worse so i m not complaining. I had moved to London when I was 9 from a diff country. I was quite smart in studying, but I couldnt stand girly politics that take place in high school. Sometimes, those girls would get jelly when I scored the highest in my class. My whole class used to bully me including the guys until I changed my class. Even in my new class tho, ppl used to leave me out.
Long story short, I severly lack social skills and grew up mostly alone with my twin.

So, when I joined this workplace there was guy from my HS that I didnt recognise and apparently he liked me since then. Another one of my work colleague and this guy’s best friend always keep talking about me and I think even he likes me as I have heard him say so few times (but not directly, so I have assumed he doesnt). Anyways, I was going thro my own weight and grief issues and so I didnt pay much attention and shrugged it off as banter.

Yest, night I had my work xmas party. I had joined this workplace last year with 2 other girls. I was getting alright with everyone but when I joined I was going through my own personal issues which i mentioned above. A new chatty girl had just joined my workplace a few months back however, i had to go for 1 month leave and when I came back I feel replaced. I have no friends outside of work and I wasnt very social to begin with, however this new girl has literally became everyone’s fav at work. Esp. The other guy that kind of also liked me and one of the girls I joined with( they r on each other’s sc. ) I felt really alone at the Xmas party and I couldnt stop crying when I reached home.

I cant help comparing myself to this girl and I wish I had something to talk about with ppl and get on so well.

Another issue is the guy that liked me keeps saying that I took too long and now he has gf (tho i doubt) and keeps saying that i m his backup. Although I never said i liked him back. I told his best friend (the other colleague) that if he likes me so much he should have asked me out instead of this girl.Am I wrong? Do u think he does have a gf tho, because there was an instance when he said i m dumb the very next day after he told me he has a gf. Possibly he wanted me to react with jealousy about his gf but I didnt. He keeps telling me if I take this long i will lose out on all the good guys.

I just dont have the inner strength to sometime get out of bed and I dont know the latest trends and gossip they talk about even tho we r the same age.
I feel really behind my age group, they have a life outside of work where they stay at their friends place and all. I have no one. I m broken.I feel worthless, It took me a lot of effort to get out of anorexia and develop the will to live esp. After facing the sudden death of one of my very close family member and now with all this in addition to binge eating I feel I should’ve just died when I had the chance.

Sometimes, when I feel a bit alright I wonder how I can start socialising without dying in the process with anxiety and at a pace I would be comfortable with. Do u think i should try harder to blend in with my work colleagues and outside aswell because I dont know how to and I m not sure I can do it.

Thanks for reading. Please reach out i would love to talk to someone about feeling alone and life in general.