I (30f) have cptsd. I did mdr therapy for a whole year and it has helped me regain control of my life with minimal symptoms. There’s one that keeps persisting though, and it is causing problems with maintaining friendships:
It could be work, it could be family, it could be anything. Once or twice a year, my self care slips and i get incredibly overwhelmed and busy with work, household, appointments, too many things on the calendar etc.
When that happens i forget about answering texts for weeks on end, instead of just letting them know what i’m going through. Eventually, when the storm dies down, i do respond and explain what happend, but it is incredibly shitty of me and it has caused major arguments with close friends in the past.
It’s gotten so bad i have to force myself daily to go through all texts and make sure i’m not unintentionally ghosting anyone or procrastinating answering people, checking how long it’s been since i’ve messaged certain people and asked how they’re doing.
Recently, i’ve done it again. A month ago a girl i recently met through mutual friends sent me an incredibly sweet message saying she doesn’t have many friends and thought we clicked really well. She asked me if i would be down for a friend-date and i said yes. We texted for a bit but then, when it was up to me to suggest an activity, i went off the radar for 3 weeks.
I had a major meltdown during those weeks, got sick for a couple days, had to see my therapist again, had to take over projects from a sick coworker etc. Now that things are once again under control, i texted her apologising for the radio-silence but that i would love to have coffee together soon.
She responded saying that sounded lovely, but she’s feeling hesitant.
My heart sank as i realised: i did it again…
It’s terrible behaviour and it is unacceptable.
I want to improve. I need to do better. But i don’t know where to start. How can i catch myself before it happens again?
Tldr; Sometimes i have meltdowns, and when i do i ghost people because making plans and answering texts is a mountain i can’t seem to climb at that moment. How can i do better? I want to be a better friend.
2 comments
Are you in regular talk therapy now? Or are you just white-knuckling life?
I dunno…this might be me, because I deal with very similar issues. But I think you need friends who are a little more understanding. If I didn’t hear from an acquaintance I met a month ago for 3 weeks, at 30, I’d simply assume they’re busy with life. On the other hand, are you communicating ahead of time that these periods could happen? By giving people advance notice that *hey, sometimes I have times where I don’t have the capacity to reach out or talk due to my mental health, so if you could be patient with me I super appreciate it*, they at least aren’t being taken by surprise. Not that I’d do this with a really new relationship, but once you get to a certain point. Because like…it’s not going to go away. You’re managing a full life. I know people will suggest therapy etc etc but realistically for some of us, therapy isn’t a magic wand. So managing expectations from the outset could at least filter for people who are going to be sympathetic to that and therefore positive influences in your life.
I also don’t think micromanaging your texting schedule is helpful to you or the problem.