I [20M] used to be a really close friend with this girl. We were part of a big friend group. I eventually caught feelings and attached, but I knew she had this policy of not going out with anyone within the friend group. I did confess to her but obviously she said no. But then she did start going out someone within the group, and I confronted her about this. She kept making some random excuses how that was not coming under such policy. And she also had many other toxic traits, always kinda used gossip and insensitive comments at others. Used to talk bad about her own roommate right in front of her.
Then we never spoke for a while, and then she decided to make a friend’s trip among the group. But she never decided to call me, and few of my friends. Ever since that trip, the group, got split into two. Atleast she could’ve invited, even if we were going to say no. The grudge was between me and her, not with the few others, who are kinda like introverts, in the group. Even they didn’t like it, and they stopped talking with her. I used to chat with her, but not as much as we used to before, then all of a sudden I just stopped complete communication with her.
Now the problem is, every guy in the friend group wants to hang out with women. I don’t know if this is happens everywhere, but it is exactly what happens. She starts using her girl charm, and starts to influence the non-invited friends, get friendly with them, and now they’re like turning against me. They were the friends I had from the beginning of the grudge, and they used to see everything without doing anything much. And now they’re like, because of me, the group split apart, and it’s awkward now. Okay, so we’re going to forgive the part where she was being toxic before?
At this point, I feel like, everyone’s gonna abandon me, and I would have no contact few years down the line. I’ll be super lonely, and she’ll think that she won in life.
What do I do here? Should I just let these friendships go, and hope to maintain some better friendships in the future?
3 comments
First, your mistake was confronting her. What you could’ve done was take note that she’s not attracted to you for some reason and left it at that. I do understand your desire to call her out on her inconsistency. I’ve been there. But that was the wrong approach. It opened a breach between you two which fractured the group dynamic.
What to do now? Just let the hard feelings settle. Accept that she couldn’t be forthright with you and let it go. She won. Fine. Whatever. Fuck it. It’s unfair given her behavior but a lot of social dynamics operate better below the surface versus out in the open. Accept that some people won’t reciprocate your feelings of attraction and let it go.
Adopt a take it or leave it attitude. If a girl likes you back, great! If not, well that’s not so great but it’s also not the end of the world. Shrug it off and keep on keeping on. Often the best attitude is to be unbothered. People will think you have a super power.
Time may heal the wound. But you won’t know until later. When? Give it a year or two.
I don’t think this is a grudge so much as you not being that pleasant to around for your friends or her. Not sure about her traits (you seem bitter so I feel it is hard for you to be objective). She’s so toxic yet you were so hung up on her? Hmmm
See what happened was asked her out, she wasn’t into you, and said no. But she told you it was because of the friend group thing to try spare your feelings. Instead of taking things gracefully and taking your lumps you make it a thing ask when she dates someone else. This causes the rift in the group. Your friends initially stuck with you but then it seems they prefer her company. Maybe that’s on you. I’d take a long hard look in the mirror to see who exactly is being toxic.
She didn’t “take” your friends they just got fed up with you making it awkward and obviously like her company. They don’t want to be involved in your grudge against her. Let it go if you want to maintain these friendships else move on. In the future don’t confront people for dating you. Sure it sucks maybe she couldn’t be honest with you, but you are not entitled to any particular persons interest.
You are right that she has been inconsistent but she is clearly not attracted to you and tried to let you down gently by mentioning this policy. You are hurt and allowing this to get out of proportion. It’s hard when someone doesn’t like you back but such is life. If a girl from your friends group wanted to be more than friends and you weren’t feeling it you would be in the same position. Yes she handled this badly but people arent always mature enough to know how to deal with such things. You may risk loosing your entire friends group if you cant get past this. Sounds like you don’t like her much now so clearly you dodged a bullet! She does sound a bit manipulative. There are plenty more girls. Forget her!