I got a job offer at the beginning of this year, for a job in London. My husband and I were both excited to come to the UK and start our journey. So when I got the job, we started planning how we were going to survive in a new country.
Since my company was covering my visa expenses, we only had to find my husband’s visa fees. So we took out a loan for his and his parent’s car (co-owned). We promised that we would pay the loan back as fast as we could.
I had a serious conversation with my husband about finding a job when he comes to London, because he hasn’t been working for the past 3 years. I asked him if he’s ready to go and start working, because life is not going to be as easy as it used to be when we were in our home country. He promised me that he would do anything to earn money, so we could pay back the loan, and live a comfortable life.
So I came to London first in June, because I got my visa first and had to start working. He came a month later. He was in a foul mood from the moment he stepped out the airport. I thought it would get better with time, but it never did. He was always complaining about something. Either he didn’t like the smell of the house, the kitchen was small, the bed is small, and etc. So I tried my best to make everything comfortable for him. It was a new experience for me as well, but he was taking it too hard.
Since I had to go to work everyday, I thought he would help me with cooking. He said he doesn’t like to cook in the kitchen because it was too small. So I brought take out everyday because I was exhausted at the end of the day, and didn’t have energy to cook. He doesn’t like simple meals as well. So I really didn’t have the energy.
I let him rest for a week to settle in before looking for a job. He started applying to jobs, but he was looking for very specific jobs. He didn’t want to work late shifts, doesnt require standing too much, doesnt make you do hard work. So he didn’t find that many jobs that fit within his frame of mind.
After like 2 weeks, he started saying that he wants to go back to our home country. I asked why, he said he doesn’t like London and he now sees how much he can do back home. I said can’t go, because of the loan we took and because I like this opportunity I got. With the money I earned back home, I could never pay off the loan. But he would always bring up that he wants to go. Then i said if he wants to go, he can. Because now its been 4 months since he came, he hasn’t found a job, and all he does is sleep, eat and complain.
One day he asked me if he could just stay home and do online trading. That’s what he has been doing for the past 3 years. He invested so much money, and lost all of them. He invested my savings as well. So I said if he wants to do that, he can do it but only if he does another job. He said he can’t focus when he’s doing another job. I told him that I can’t handle the expenses alone with my job, and take care of 2 people. You know how crazy expensive London is. Then he said then he’ll go back home, start trading, earn money and come back in 5 months.
At this point I’ve had enough of his complaining, so I said if that’s what he wants, do it. So he went back. I had to buy the ticket as well. But I told him before he went, this is the last chance I’m giving him. If he doesn’t come back within 5 months, I’m ending this. And if he is coming back, I asked him to earn his own money and buy the ticket himself.
It’s been one month since he’s gone. I feel free without him. He’s asking me for money even after he’s gone. He’s saying that he’s coming back. But I don’t think he will. And I don’t think I want him to either. But since I promised I’d wait 5 months, I can’t say anything. What should I do if he comes back?
There’s so many other details I want to add, but I don’t want to make the post too long. If you need more context, please ask.
Edit: Another thing I wanted to add was, I think he really did get depressed after coming here. He already had depression and was taking medication for it. He stopped taking care of himself. He didn’t shower, wash his face, or didn’t do any grooming. At night, he was too lazy to get up and go to the toilet. So he kept a bottle near the bed to pee in. I would hear the noise at night, and pee smell which I hated. I asked him to just to get up and go to the toilet. It wasn’t like the toilet was far away. It was only a few feet away.
39 comments
Seems like you’re pretty much completely in control of your relationship? Is it even feasible for him to pay for his own ticket back and make the other travel arrangements? I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but you’ll feel better and be able to start fresh and guilt free if you do wait the 5 months you technically agreed to – though feel free to low-key discourage/sabotage his return as much as you feel entitled to.
Don’t give him any more money to invest. That is going to leave you in a really bad place. Don’t pay off HIS loan to his parents.
It sounds like you are done with this marriage and that is ok. Take steps to end it.
It seems like you made the decision already, at least on some subconscious level. *You don’t want him to come back.* If you want to rationalize that some more, three years of him not working has already been an issue for you. If he couldn’t handle working in his home country, would the London scene suddenly kick him into action? Probably not. You told him to earn his own way back, which while demonstrating whether he can manage on his own drive and resources also demonstrates how much you’re no longer considering this a marriage but distinct you and him situations. That disconnect doesn’t suggest any healthy future with him. Things seem to have been fraying for a long time, and the move to a new country wasn’t the spark you probably hoped it would be. Instead it merely reaffirmed the problems already in place.
🚩🚩 You have to pay for everything. He gambled away your savings. You pay for his loan. You pay for his plane ticket. Wtf?? You don’t have to be concerned for him coming back. He won’t because he can’t afford a plane ticket. Dump and divorce him.
I agree. This isn’t a tenable situation. He needs to carry his weight and learn to compromise.
That said, I will suggest that two of the things you mention — and this is not excusing him at all (he needs to man up and deal with these and everything else) — are in a vacuum valid points of contention: small bed, small kitchen. Hugely annoying and frustrating. I do not miss my SO’s tiny apartment.
But yes, tell him to stay left.
Stop giving him money and go ahead and file for a separation.
Stop paying his debts and financing his incompetent business schemes. You’re married to a deadbeat loser and rather than waiting for him to decide if he wants to come back, you should be telling him he can’t.
Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind
No need to wait 5 months to do what you are already wanting to do
You’re allowed to change your mind. Don’t feel bound if you’re done. Live your life and move on.
He’s going to continue using you because you lack boundaries. Ask for a divorce and live an authentic life, why waste more of your time with a leach like this?
I would just tell him you want a divorce don’t give him a chance to come back just for you to end it
First, get a lawyer. Figure out what the steps are, what you are entitled to and what he is.
Then tell him that you have had clarity with him gone and realize the marriage is not good for either one of you, and that you want a divorce. Then send divorce papers to him. That will give him time to consider how and where he wants to live without you.
Figure out where and how you want to live, too. Will you stay in the marital home or move to a new place? Go through all the belongings you have and box up everything that is his. If you move, put his things in storage.
You can do this OP. I know you promised, but you didn’t know then what you know now, and it isn’t like he’s lived up to his promises either. If you tell him now, you will be giving him a real head start on figuring out his next move. If you wait for him to spend money on getting back to you just to tell him then, that’s harsh.
Dump this loser’s ass. Move on you 100% can do better.
If you’ve decided you’re done with him, you really don’t need to wait 5 months. Stop giving him money for day trading. Very few people make money doing this. You might as well toss your money out the window.
Don’t give him any money. Don’t buy his ticket. Then you don’t have to worry about him coming back. Pay the parents backs the loan and then close that chapter.
Honestly, you already know the answer; he’s your dependent and you want a partner, not a pet.
Package up anything he has left at your place and send it to his parents’ address, throw a little bit of money at them for the visa money their son wasted l just to be nice, block him, and file. Any communication done now should be through your lawyer, move on
This guy sounds like a loser and a leech, and you are profoundly lucky that he left. You deserve a true partner, not someone who can’t even muster the energy to pee in a toilet.
File for divorce and be done with it.
Turn off the money spigot. Send him to his parents and start divorce proceedings.
I think we’re all done here.
Stop supporting him! Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce! He has been dead weight for years and costing you your savings!
You know it’s over. I think you should just tell him you are a lot happier without him. That you don’t want a husband who won’t work, is too lazy to get up to pee, and drags you down. You don’t have to wait 5 months. Just end it. He’s never done a single thing he said he would do. You don’t have to wait 5 months.
He is not coming back – he can’t afford a plane ticket. He knows this, and is still asking you to send him money….he expects you to just continue supporting him so he can fuck off in the country that best suits him?
Do what best suits you – spend your money on a divorce, let him pay back his loan (that’s not your responsibility), and live your best life.
His depression is one thing, but he’s not working to make the problem go away. You can’t take care of and support a sick person that doesn’t want to get better.
Find a relationship that improves the quality of your life.
May I recommend a new life to go with your new country?
And please leave your husband behind.
If you want to share your life with a child, have an actual child. They are a joy. Your very expensive, needy, whiny, rigid and entitled man-baby is clearly not.
Lol that ain’t no real man. A real man PROVIDES.
Dump the hobosexual. Get on with your life. He brings nothing positive to the table.
***Get the divorce.*** You are happier without him. And he’s happier at home without you. Call it a day and start the next phase of your life.
Divorce him
Well he’s there to make money so he needs to get to it.
I’d tell him as he knows UK is an expensive place so you are unable to send money to him. He needs to be making his own. And you don’t have money to purchase a return ticket which he was well aware of before he left.
If you have a joint account with him go open a new one that has just you on it and put all your money in it.
He seems to be comfortable with living off of you which to me is very off putting. Combine that with him thinking he can be a stock trader (after he lost all your money the last time) and refuses to get a real job for almost 4 years now and I’d be done.
Perhaps you might consider checking UK laws to see what the requirements are for a visa holder to divorce.
His ego was hurt that his wife was a) first to go to London and establish a roof over the family’s head, b) you were the only provider in the family both of which are traditionally a man’s role to fill. If you are from the Middle East or Asia then more of a reason for his ego to be hurt.
I’m on the fence with this..part of me says to work with him on this and understand his side as well. We expect men to understand our emotions but we need to understand theirs as well. Should he let his ego get in the way of his marriage, obviously the answer is no. But should you end it on that basis knowing that he went into depression because he probably couldn’t fulfil his traditional role as a man?
I would say have a conversation first before deciding to leave him. Have him open up about how he feels with the current household roles. Is he willing to work any job to make his marriage work or wants his pride and ego to get in the way. Be gentle with your approach and if you get defensive or aggressive responses in return then do what’s best for you.
He is not worth the cost to your mental health or your financial state. Nothing is going to change, as I think you already realize, so start the legal stuff now and look forward to enjoying your freedom when it is over.
He’s an anchor around your neck. He will never work. He hasn’t worked in 3 years. Call the time of death.
He’s a loser, plain and simple. Enjoy single life in an amazing city
Cut him off from access to your money. Start divorce proceedings.
This sub never ceases to amaze me. The amount of truly shit wipe dudes out there is PHENOMENAL
By the sounds of it, he can’t come back unless you buy him a ticket since he refuses to work. Instead, use that money to file for divorce and let him pay his parents back. Move on with your life.
People pray for the opportunity that you got and he wants to throw it away? Don’t let him continue to drag you down in life.
Just be like the Genie at the end of Aladdin 🤣
He’s asking for money, yet he went home to earn?!
Change your number, or send his calls to voicemail – he sounds like a leech.
Why are you with this person omg
London is a tough city to live in. It’s really not that great and demands a strong willed person to make it work. Your husband clearly is not built for living in London. I’d tell him that you want a divorce. Find a man in London who has his shit together.