So I posted here https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/s/aSN6YBkqGB and I have had a talk with him.
His dad is alcoholic and it’s a pretty sad story. Because of that he has no friends, only a few from his hometown. He explained and it makes sense.
Besides that his ex girlfriend was sending him some messages asking for some help with legal stuff, because he works with that. I was pretty sad because I’ve asked if he had contact with her and he denied. I don’t think I’ll be able to continue with him, I don’t trust him anymore.
He was devastated when we talked and showed all the messages, they were ok, no big deal, but he lied to me and only told me the true because I asked directly who she was (her conservation appeared when he was showing me something on instagram).
I’m sad about everything. It’s a terrible feeling.
29 comments
I feel for this guy because I am working through a lot of these issues still, even the one about it being hard to keep friends long term. I’m in my 30s now, but growing up with an alcoholic abusive father still affects me, something I didn’t even realize until I was in therapy.
That being said, OP, none of this is your problem. You won’t be able to fix any of the problems. He has some work to do outside of the dating pool imo.
Sorry OP… Did he explain why he felt the need to lie about the ex girlfriend? Was that the only lie?
Thank you for following up OP.
I’m surprised you already made the decision to stop seeing him. He gave you a lot more information than I was expecting him to. That must have been extremely hard for him.
I agree that lying is a horrible thing to do. But also having a father like that and having few friends is also horrible. You should do what makes you happy of course, but I think I would wait and digest all this information before making a final decision.
Congrats. You found a way to sabotage a relationship.
While he shouldn’t have lied about legal conversations with his ex (he probably knew you’d make a mountain out of a molehill if you’re already doing this because he wasn’t hiding anything major) you have a lot of work to do in getting over yourself and thinking the worst just because someone has a lame social life.
Loners exist. If you don’t like it, don’t date them.
if his father is an alcoholic, he is likely codependent… which is a shit show in and of itself (spoken as someone who is codependent and has trouble maintaining relationships)
So let me get this straight. The guy decided to trust you and be vulnerable once you started probing him, admitted he lied and gave you honest answers, and now you want to dump him?
The poor guy is gonna have even more trust issues. OP, you’re not looking good here.
From your comments yesterday about his dad and the daily secretive phone conversations and him going silent afterwards it was very obvious there was some trauma there that he feels shame and discomfort about discussing.
Well done for asking him and doing so in such a way where he has been so honest with you. Im shocked!
You’ve seen the conversations with his ex and if there is nothing inappropriate being said between them (I.e just talking about legal issues) then you might be slightly jumping the gun.
This guy has just opened up to you and finally told you about his trauma history and it kind of seems harsh that you’re dumping him right off the back of that.
I sooo understand about being upset by the way, but this guy sounds like he struggles to be vulnerable and now he’s finally done it, you could cause some serious damage to his self esteem by punishing him and just walking away.
I’m not saying it’s right that he lied about texting his ex, but this guy has clearly got some issues going on here and I’d encourage you to think this through before you make any decisions.
You deserve honesty and respect and I’m glad you finally got at least the honesty.
Just encouraging you to tread carefully given the sensitive nature of what’s been disclosed. You might just be the first person he’s ever opened up to.
My opinion is that you are way too picky and overreacting. People have a history. He openend up regarding a topic that is difficult for him. And it’s not a big deal to have contact to an ex when it’s just friendship and some business related help.
I don’t understand that logic of some of the other commenters. “He shared and now he’s been punished for it. That’s why men should never share because women are superficial and evil and they all lie about wanting honesty.” Like what?! This guy lied to her for months about multiple topics.
His dad being an alcoholic is something a person doesn’t need to share on the first date. But somewhere between first date and six months in and considering marriage, he could have said, “My dad is a sore subject for me, I’m not quite ready to share that information with you.” And, “I’d love to introduce you to my friends, but most of them are in my hometown. I’ve struggled a bit making new friends here.”
Yes, it’s concerning when a person has no people. However, a lot of women, especially over thirty know that men don’t have a lot of friends. But the “why” they don’t have them is important. “I don’t have them because I’m a colossal dickhead” is different from, “I moved and switched jobs and people are settled and I haven’t found a lot of opportunities to connect.”
As for the convo with the ex, that was a straight up lie. It’s not news that people get a little anxious when their partners communicate with their exes. OP being pissed was a foretellable outcome. I wouldn’t even need to break out my crystal ball to figure that one out.
All of that being said, I think you two could salvage this relationship. However, there would be some terms. I’d say he has a month to find a therapist. He needs to go to therapy for at least six months. He joins an [Adult Children of Alcoholics group](https://adultchildren.org) and attends two sessions a month. Three months into his therapy, you two go to couples therapy for at least three months. And, if you ask a direct question you get a direct answer. Even if, it’s “That is a sore subject, I can’t share that with you right now.”
If those terms aren’t met after six months, bounce.
Alcoholism is brutal. I feel for anyone living with that
I am very sorry for you :/
Do you feel like you could work on this and you could learn to trust him again ?
Of course it’s not my place to tell you how to feel nor what you should do, I just empathize with the guy. It must have been really difficult for him to open up to you
And at the end of the day, he did what you asked. He brought clarity about his life, and honestly, he’s not responsible for his traumas
Had he ever seen a therapist ? That would be really recommended
You’re making the right move. He needs to go to therapy and work on his inability to be honest or vulnerable about his life with partners. I was with someone for almost two years that was like that. His family was estranged (mine is mostly too no big) and he had “friends” that meant the world to him but who he would NEVER EVER let me meet UNDER ANY CURCUMSTANCES.
All in all, I figured out he was cheating on me and lying about the women being friends in order to keep me off his back. Don’t ever get into a relationship with men that aren’t transparent, it’s just not worth it. I say that as someone who also has anxiety and trauma. Now that I’m dating someone who is transparent and hides NOTHING I feel next to no anxiety about our relationship.
Polar opposites to my ex that after 2 years felt like a total stranger to me because he would not open up about his life and insisted I was unreasonable for wanting to know anything about it or meet anyone in his life.
You deserve someone that wants you to know everything about them and who wants to know everything about you.
From reading your first message, I would suggest that you give this guy a second chance. Yes he lied and that’s. not good but he was clearly also ashamed of his Dad and if you looked through the messages with his ex and his story panned out then I would have given him the benefit of the doubt there. It was a dumb move on his part to keep it secret.
I would not be advising this if the rest of the relationship was not good but from your first post, it sounded like it clearly was. No relationship is without hiccups and this one is not as bad as the majority you’l probably face elsewhere. I would take the constructive suggestions of some other comments (therapy, commitment to further opening up etc) and give this guy a second chance. The important point is that he did open up to you so you have something to work with. If you want to of course. Only you can decide. Maybe talk to some of your good friends and family who also know him before you finally decide.
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I really don’t get these comments. I totally feel for him and sympathize with having to work through baggage before being ready to date, but that doesn’t have to be your problem OP. Sometimes if there’s doubt, mistrust, and negative feelings in a relationship, it’s better to find a clean slate with someone else. Especially at 30.
We know he wouldn’t lie to his next gf and will have a better approach to relationships moving forward. I’m sure you could work through this, but you absolutely do not have to and shouldn’t be judged for that.
When I read the first post the guy kind of sounded like me back in the day being avoidant and having a hard time with emotional intimacy. Eventually I got closer to my ex, but then there was a lot of appeasing which is kind of a form of avoidance. You probably did the right thing OP, trust will likely be broken again until he can figure that stuff out.
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Would this response possibly be why was he so hesitant to tell you?
This probably would have been your response either way, if he was “truthful” or not. From what you say, it seems he has very sincere feelings for you, but you didn’t think he would be good enough to justify sticking by in a difficult time. Since he’s “broken”, you’re not wasting your time.
This is, likely, why you needed the external validation of faceless Reddit users to justify your leaving him when he could use someone to be a rock for him. He would probably be for you in a time of need. That may have already happened but it’s not relevant information for us to know since it would change the narrative drastically. I can’t help but wonder how your DM’s or text messages would look or make him feel. That guy is going to come out of this entire situation a stronger and better man, with or without you because there’sreally no other choice. Still won’t be good enough
Was it worth it making him bring up that trauma?
It sucks, but I think it’s a good lesson for both of you.
Vulnerability and honesty is important in a relationship. We all have baggage (we’re on fucking dating over thirty FFS), but it’s communicating it and working through it that builds relationships.
I personally wouldn’t be able to get past that, vagueness and withholding important info is lying by omission, IMO. Especially when a partner asks you directly.
I don’t mean to hijack the post. But I was once in a relationship w a girl. And I casually mentioned how this ex (not even a real ex just a girl we had dated a few times) was trying to give me back a Pyrex dish. She wanted to meet at a bar. I said just leave it on your front porch I’ll swing by and get it. Mind you her “front porch” wasn’t even her house but a shared ski cabin (that’s how we had met).
Well the way this gal reacted was as if I had cheat on her had multiple kids w the ex was lying continually about it…
And I was the one who offered the info. I could have said nothing. Grabbed the dish in my own time. Never seen the girl.
But she just randomly accosted me and punished me. It taught me that being open and transparent was bad.
So in a way I can relate to the OP’s guy friend.
He made a mistake but maybe it was from fear of losing you. And now he’s gunna lose you anyway.
Are there any other little things he doesn’t talk about or keeps vague ?
Then it’s more on him and he’s got too much work to do.
Like some others have said maybe with professional help you all can formulate a plan with achievable goal posts and that would be a great foundation for you both.
But if it was a one off mistake. Maybe dumping him is a little harsh.
Legal stuff can take a long time tho. At some point his being nice to this ex needs to stop. And you have to be the priority.
You have to say well at what point do you stop helping her? What if she asked you to help her move would you go there and help her pack boxes ?
The larger issue might be committing to a man who is a doormat.
Women don’t like a man who is easily spread thin and says “yes” to everyone and everything.
It’s disconcerting because who knows what curve ball left field random thing pulls him away from you next ?
That’s where his therapy needs to happen.
Regarding my own ex I affirm thats the part of myself that ultimately caused our break up.
I didn’t put her as my number one first and foremost priority. If a friend was in from out of town I’d be off with that friend and suddenly she’s in the background.
I admit I suck when it comes to that. If I had another shot I’d do it different. But in my case my dad killed himself literally and my family drama sucked me away so. I wasn’t able to say no to them. So she said no to me. Cest la vie.
Unfortunately I had been in a similar situation. I was with someone, who lied about being in contact with their ex. They weren’t a bad person and had a hard past too, so I stayed thinking understanding would help them.
Sadly, more lies came out of the woodwork over time and it whittled my trust down to the point where I was in too deep and couldn’t leave despite living in anxiety every day. I ended up breaking it off with this person too long after I should’ve because the anxiety started affecting all other areas of my life.
Your situation could be different, but I will say if you decide to stay there can’t be a moving forward unless he goes to therapy and actively works to remove this coping mechanism, otherwise there may be repeat offences. Humans learn by staying and tolerating something that it’s ok and will take a boundary less seriously if you don’t stick to it. Also, he needs to learn instead of lying to set boundaries and state he’s not ready to share yet.
I hope this helps with your decision.
Whatever decision you reach, I hope that it is your decision alone and that you don’t let other redditors decide for you.
OP, you are free to break up with him. A lot of takes in this thread are dangerous bc they’re exactly how people get stuck in abusive relationships: “give him one more chance! He has trauma! Disregard *your* traumatic past to excuse his behavior!”
A grown ass man who can’t communicate is going to cause you other problems in your relationship, and you’ll feel pressured to excuse them because “at least he’s not cheating” despite the fact that it still makes you deeply unhappy.
Your happiness matters. Your trust matter as much as his issues do. Leave him. He’s over thirty. You are not his mother or his therapist.
If you haven’t already broken up with him…take a few days of space to see how you feel before you make a final decision about your relationship. It’s never wise to make a large decision while your emotions are high.
His fear of losing you by telling you the truth of his embarrassing past has come to fruition. You are dumping him.
He was in communication with his ex due to her legal problems, nothing more. Maybe he didn’t want you to overreact over nothing. Oops, guess his worries were justified.
People make mistakes based on fear.
Compassionate people forgive, have conversations on openness and being truthful, not fearful, and move on with a promise and commitment to those values shared in the open conversation. Then, believe the person until they do it again. Then dump them.
Dumping a great person for hiding his embarrassing past and making a little lie because he fears he will lose OP is pause for concern regarding OP.
One might ask oneself, or OP could maybe ask BF, why he is fearful to open up totally to OP. Has OP been quickly judgemental of other people that BF has witnessed? Has OP disowned family or friends over little things in the last 9 months that would give the BF concern? Does OP make rash and emotionally driven decisions? Is OP a hot head? We don’t know! But there is some forces (perhaps fear of OP) that caused BF to omit the truth. Who knows.
Three sides to every story. The 3rd side being the truth. OP, if smart, would try to empathize with BF, put herself in BFs situation, and perhaps do a self-inventory on how she acts and reacts, could she be part of the problem. The fact that OP wants to immediately dump BF after saying he is a great guy, tells me she is part of the problem. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a recurring relationship issue with OP.
Maybe by OP dumping the BF, the BF dodges a bullet. I don’t know, not enough info.
I certainly would not want to be with an uncompassionate, unempathetic, unforgiving, emotionally-driven and rash person. Too much drama and depression.
My past made my relationships suffer a lot. I never opened up to people fully, whether it be romantic or platonic relationships. Unstable upbringings definitely leave long lasting effects and without finding the right kind of help to deal with those, their relationships will continue to suffer. Dude needs therapy and to figure out how to emotionally present and available.
The only problem with that is that he needs to want it. If he doesn’t, there’s definitely nothing you can do but move him into your rear view.
Therapy isn’t a quick fix though so you probably made the right decision to move on. It isn’t your job to wait for repairs.
He only feels bad that he was caught in a lie. He doesn’t feel bad that he actually lied. Even if it was a small lie. He’s till a liar. And when you lose trust it’s really difficult to regain. That’s why I don’t lie to my partners and expect the same from them. If they ever lie to me it’s game over. I can put up with a lot but I can’t put up with lying.
> I have never felt so loved, cared and well treated. We have traveled several times and the time we spend together is so sweet… I don’t want to ruin this relationship because I love who I am when we are together and the things we’re building
Potentially an unpopular opinion, but I think it’s rare to come across someone you’re truly excited about who brings out the best in you and cares for you like this. I would hesitate to throw all that away just because he has a complicated background and made a mistake.
It wasn’t ok to lie to you about contact with his ex but it seems he may have thought it was the best move in order to help her out without you getting paranoid or anxious. It sounds like he’s truly remorseful. Clearly he has some trust issues to work through (as do you) but if you have such a great loving foundation, maybe it’s something you two can work through.
The perfect partner and perfect relationship doesn’t exist, and I don’t think it’s dumb to give good people second chances. Maybe there is more to the story, stuff you’re leaving out, him actually being an emotionally unavailable asshole who routinely shuts you out. Only you know if it’s worth it.