I (27f) have a younger sister Jenny (25f). Jenny has been with and married to her husband Jake (27m) for almost 3 years, together for 5. They really do seem like a match made in heaven.
However, one thing she’s struggled with for a long time is infertility. Jenny has wanted kids for as long as I can remember. But when they started trying 3 years ago, it just never happened. They tried everything but their doctor just said Jenny wasn’t capable of carrying a baby to term. They’ve since looked into adoption or even surrogacy though it is way above their budget.
I on the other hand, have never wanted kids. Not when I was a girl, not now and hopefully I’ll never have any in the future. I don’t know why, but children make me anxious and child birth is just a nightmare to even think about.
Recently I found out I was pregnant. It was a complete shock and sent me into a panic attack. My bf (29m) was upset when I immediately suggested ending the pregnancy. I told him I didn’t want kids ever but he was adamant on not ending the pregnancy. He suggested taking full custody and raising the baby all by himself if that’s what I wanted. He reluctantly even suggested adopting the baby out of my hands completely. Anything but he was not willing to be without the baby.
My parents reacted worse. They said they wouldn’t allow me to hurt a living being and offered other options. They even told my sister who just jumped at the chance to adopt my baby, saying it was perfect and the baby could remain in the family and be raised by loving parents.
Now, I don’t doubt they’d make great parents. But, I just don’t want to go through a pregnancy. Every moment felt like an explosion would go off any moment. I hated it and I refused to continue with the pregnancy.
I went behind their backs and got the procedure done.
When they found out, my bf just coldly told me we are done and walked out. He isn’t taking my calls now. Jenny wailed and insulted me before Jake took her home. She then blocked me and has since refused to even look at me. My parents keep saying they are disappointed and wished I wasn’t their daughter so they wouldn’t have to deal with me. I just want to fix things with them. They’re my family and have always been kind and caring. I desperately want to sort their problems and for things to go back to how it was before I got pregnant.
Any advice on how I can explain my feelings to my family?
ETA: Guys please. My parents and sister and bf are not bad people. I know I wasn’t in the wrong for choosing what to do with my body and neither do I think they were wrong for being pro life. My parents have cared for, raised and supported me all my life. Through my teenage years, my studies, my relationship issues, career problems everything. I know they aren’t bad people. I just want to know how I can explain my feelings to them because I’m confused and struggling with expressing myself.
My bf and I have been together for 9 years dammit. We literally grew up together and promised to always be there for each other and always choose each other. He supported me through everything. He offered every help he could think of during the 2 and a half months I was pregnant. He tried to understand my fears and help me through it. I understand I was wrong to go behind his back but that’s done and now I want to know how we can move past this. He didn’t leave when people made fun of him for dating me, when college life got too hectic and we had to go days without seeing each other, when my grandma died, when I was sick or when I was terrified of a baby. He was there for it all and I don’t want to be without him. Please help me convince him to seek counseling or therapy or whatever it takes. I can’t bear to lose him.
29 comments
Nobody in this situation had your back, OP.
I feel for you but there is nothing you can do right now to change their opinion or their minds if they are pro life. I wish you well and hope you can get some grief counselling support, maybe reach out to other family or friends to make you feel less lonely.
But you were brave and you know you didn’t want to give birth, nor did you want to have a child in the world when it wouldn’t be on the best terms you could make them. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
You did what you had to, now they’re doing what they have to. Can you support yourself? Yes? Then take it one day at a time. You don’t need to forgive these people.
You did what you felt was best for you and that’s okay, but to expect everyone else to just magically change there thoughts and feelings is naive at best.
Your relationship with your ex is finished, leave him alone, he needs time to grieve the future he was imagining, same for your family, giving them time and space and hoping for the best, is really all you can do.
Honesty is not always the best policy. Miscarriage is common………
The ship with the BF has sailed. I don’t think you two will be able to recover from this
You had every right to terminate. Unfortunately it’s very likely that all of these relationships are now over.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. There’s enough people in the comments judging you for either getting the abortion or not, or for daring to stand up for your family and (ex)BF despite them being angry at you for ending your pregnancy. I’m not going to.
Reddit is very black and white. I’m guilty of that too at times. But it’s not productive.
So, what can you do? There’s no one Magic Answer that will fix this in one go. It will take time. And you need to accept that some things may not be fixed. Real life just isn’t a fairy tale.
**First**. You need to work on yourself. You just went through something major. It’s OK to be happy with your choice, but perhaps still have some doubts and regrets. Or none at all. But make sure your head is in a decent headspace.
**Second**. If you’re not seeing a therapist, you may want to schedule an appointment with one. Just to have someone neutral to help you work through the first point.
**Third**. Write your feelings out. Pen and paper. Old school. Trust me as far as anyone trusts a random Redditor that wants you to trust them. It works. Don’t try to edit it, keep it raw, real.
**Fourth**. And this is the hardest of them all, probably the most important one. This will need time. You need to be patient. Contact your family and your (ex)BF once. I’d suggest letters, explain your feelings, don’t judge and tell them you’ll wait for them to make the first move.
It’s going to suck. It’s going to suck like Hell got hooked on the biggest industrial strength Dyson ever. You may spend the coming holidays alone. Plan for it. If your family has been as loving and supportive up untill now as you described, they’ll be back. It’ll be awkward at first, but they’ll be back. Hopefully the same goes for your (ex)BF.
**Fifth**. Unfortunately there’s always a chance they will not reach out. That does happen. And it sucks even more. That’s when you’ll need a good therapist more to come to grips with that. You’ll need to decide how to go from there. Do you stay where you are? Do you move away? Do you stay single? Find someone new? Whatever you do, do you keep your family in the loop? I’ve got no answers for that. You’ll need to figure out those if it happens.
I honestly hope this will not come to pass and you’re able to reconnect with your family. May whatever Diety you hold dear grant you the wisdom to deal with this in the way that’s most healthy for you.
*You and your boyfriend will not be getting over this*.
Your family may or may not come back around in time, but there will be no coming back from the breakup. 9 years or 20 years, you’re fundamentally incompatible and that’s not reconcilable.
No one is wrong in this situation (expect the parents and sister, who had no right to involve themselves in the first place). You made the choice you felt was right for you (not going through the pregnancy), he made the choice not to continue the relationship based on your choice, which he felt was right for him.
Regardless of whether you went through the abortion or kept the baby, *you were already standing on two opposite cliffs with your boyfriend*, and there was never going to be a solid bridge between you. I’m sorry for your loss, all of it, but it wasn’t going to work out once you both expressed wholly opposite views on childbearing.
The only advice I can offer right now is to learn from this. You spent 9 years with a man and never discussed having children. This was a huge mistake. You can’t salvage this relationship. You found out, in the worst possible way, that you want fundamentally different things. Love is not enough.
As to your family – I’m not sure. Maybe you overestimated this relationship? Everyone jumping so quickly on having you carry the baby to term and give it away to your sister sounds unhinged. Have they even considered that it wasn’t an immaculate conception? It’s not like you got knocked up by a one night stand. I find it hard to believe that there weren’t signs before all this unfolded, indicating that this could be the outcome. I don’t have the closest relationship with my mother but I can easily predict how she would react to the news that I’m having an abortion. That is why she would never even find out I’m pregnant to begin with.
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, I really am. The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations. Realistically, things are not going to come back to the way they were. This is the new normal. You need to learn to live with it.
I am just wondering how you and your bf are together for 9 whole years, but your views on children are that much different
“I on the other hand, have never wanted kids. Not when I was a girl, not now and hopefully I’ll never have any in the future. I don’t know why, but children make me anxious and child birth is just a nightmare to even think about.”
**Recently I found out I was pregnant.**
Why did you tell everyone you were pregnant?
The reality is your pregnancy made him realize how much he wants to be a father. You don’t want to be a mother. Therefore you two are no longer compatible.
the bloke you’ve been with for 9+ years said he’d take the baby and raise as a single dad – you terminated the pregnancy – that’s you and him done….
How were you together for a decade but had such different feelings on how to deal with an oops pregnancy? This is something most people talk about early on. Did he change his mind? There’s no way you two should have been together at this point with such wildly different expectations on pregnancy and children.
I’m just curious why you even told your family if you knew you were ending the pregnancy. What was the point of that? You know your sis is struggling with infertility. You have every right to have an abortion without judgement. I just think telling everyone was in poor taste in this circumstance.
This is really sad.
No advice for OP, unfortunately.
But anyone else in this situation: I would not advise telling a loved one with deep infertility grief about an abortion. Same for pro-life family members who you want to stay close to.
This should have stayed between OP and her BF.
Your bf made it clear he would raise the child alone so your sister was never getting your baby even if you went through with the pregnancy. She doesn’t get to be mad about it. Your parents will probably come round eventually. Your bf is gone and won’t be coming back so you will need to move on.
That all told you where they stood and you didn’t believe they would turn their backs on you. Well you did what you thought you had to abs they are doing what they feel they have to. No salvaging these relationships.
>I understand I was wrong to go behind his back but that’s done and now I want to know how we can move past this.
You can’t. What’s done is done. Time to move on.
Don’t ever think things will go back to normal. They won’t. So decide how you will recover from this.
Also 100% know your bf will probably not be back and if he was it would never be the same.
Here’s some advice: keep some things to yourself in the future. You shouldn’t have told anybody if you planned to terminate unless you were positive they’d only help. I highly doubt you had no idea they’d feel this way.
Tbh, your family has no right to say anything against you. It was your choice, because it’s your body.
Your ex on the other hand, he does have that right to not want to be with you, as he asked you not to- and you went and got an abortion behind his back. Which is your right, but he also has the right to now not want to be with you anymore. Please leave him alone.
You made him sit through an ultrasound and knew you were going to abort anyway, I’m extremely pro-choice, but OP just stop and leave your ex alone he is never going to come back to you.
Let your boyfriend go. The relationship is done.
You are done. Move on. He will not forget or forgive this.
You don’t have a bf you have an ex boyfriend. The faster you make your peice with that the better off you will be.
You’ve lost him already. In the future use better protection, and more caution. If you really don’t want kids ever, get your tubes tied.
>I can’t bear to lose him.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you *have* lost him. He wants children, you do not. You are incompatible.
It’s unfortunate your sister cannot carry a baby, but it isn’t a reason to try to make you carry a baby. They are also insane to think your Ex-BF would even allow it, as he sounded like HE wanted to be a parent.
The only thing you actually did wrong was not communicating about future children or lack thereof, before this happened.
This was a lose-lose situation from jump with your family. Your boyfriend would’ve never agreed to give your sister custody of a child he clearly wanted with or without you, and your sister would’ve never forgiven you for having a child when she can’t and not letting her raise it. All of which you should not have to have even considered when making choices for your own body.