I appreciated all the comments. A significant number of comments said I shouldn’t ask nor expect her to stand up to her dad, so I didn’t. I also don’t want to break up with her, but we’re setting expectations and she can decide if she can live with them.
I wanted to respond to some comments but the post got locked before I had a chance.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/s/90TLCcQsqs
I started by apologizing for leaving her and not continuing our vacation as planned. She also apologized for not leaving with me Thursday night. She wasn’t mad I left, she knew I was frustrated with him and the promise I made to her. However, she was hoping things would be better in the morning. She ended up spending the weekend with her family. She wanted to spend time with her brother, sister, and mom. One promising comment she said is they basically ignored and excluded her dad from everything they did that weekend.
I asked if her dad physically abused her or her mom, she was really taken aback by this. She got a little upset at me and said he would never lay a hand on his family. She asked why I’d even ask, and I said her family was so reluctant to stand up to him even going as far as asking me to promise not to that I thought they might be afraid he’d react physically. She said that’s just how he is, but he’s gotten worse the last few years. He thinks his family shouldn’t question or criticize him, especially not in his own home
We set clear boundaries, I will never go to his house again if that’s his attitude, unless things change drastically. If they want to visit in the future it will be at my house (or if we get to that point, our house). I won’t ignore or defer, though.
I asked if she would be Ok having little or no contact in the future if his behavior continues. She was very reluctant to promise that and feels he’ll eventually change his attitude. I told her she doesn’t have to ask him to apologize or even pretend to like me, but it’s all in his court and depends completely on how he acts. She won’t stand up to him, so I’m taking it out of her hands and doing it myself. I don’t care if I ever see them again.
We’re spending Christmas with my family, they absolutely love her and she has a good relationship with my mom. My parents live close and my GF is becoming my mom’s favorite. I think my mom is starting to like her more than me. Our parents haven’t met each other. They wouldn’t put up with his crap.
A lot of people criticize me for my blue collar, church going comment. I was trying to stay in the rules of the sub and not discuss politics. What I should have said is he sounds like every other extremist media junkie parent who repeat the same anti-vax, crt conspiracy nonsense nearly verbatim. Fake Christians who misinterpret the Bible to bully LGBTQ kids and ban books…is that a better background?
I put up with that garbage and personal attacks and didn’t respond because my GF specifically asked me not to argue, plus he wants to play the victim, wants to pretend everyone looks down on him. I can’t say shit to my student’s parents either.
Do I think I’m better than blue collar workers? No. Do I think I’m better than qanon idiots uncritically repeating whatever’s been pumped into their brain? Yes.
That’s where we’re at, I understand my girlfriend’s family dynamics. I’m not mad at her anymore (I am a little disappointed, ngl), she’s a product of her upbringing and unlike to change. Fortunately she’s not like that in the rest of her relationships.
tldr: my gf’s dad hates me and my gf wants me to take his abuse like her family does.
Edit:
Thank you for everyone that commented, I came to respond but the post was locked within hours.
24 comments
She is delusional if she thinks he’ll change.
And you are correct to think SHE won’t change her attitude towards him.
IMHO you are just postponing the inevitable breakup.
Really want to piss that guy off? Marry his daughter.
FWIW, some people on Reddit can be overly sensitive about off-the-cuff remarks that are meant to simply paint a picture without a lengthy explanation.
I would be careful about progressing any further with her, especially if you want marriage or children.
My husband and I both had to cut of contact with our parents after they treated them poorly. The abuse you can handle as an adult dwindles to an absolute minimum when you have a child – as it should.
You need to make sure that you and her have a long (and most likely painful) talk about limits of acceptable behavior – both to each other and if kids are involved).
Children are very sensitive and they internalize everything.
My two year can speak fluent Mandarin, Spanish and English – and we only speak English at home. He can literally repeat anything he hears – good or bad.
If a child can do that with language, imagine what they can do with body language, inappropriate comments, etc.
They don’t forget easily.
Well I hope you guys are are child-free. Your GF is not even willing to stand up for you to her father.
>I asked if she would be Ok having little or no contact in the future if his behavior continues. She was very reluctant to promise that and feels he’ll eventually change his attitude.
She’s 100% right. He’ll get a lot worse.
Wow this is a really good update!
I disagree with comments saying she shouldn’t confront her dad. If my dad was rude to my partner, then he doesn’t get to be in my life. End of story.
I mean this just kicks the can down the road. Its still something you are going to have to deal with. I HIGHLY recommend couple counseling for you guys to talk about this specific issue. You BOTH need to establish clear boundaries and intelligent means of navigating this issue. Think about if you ever have kids! That is going to be a whole other level to this thing.
You have only just begun to address this issue. Good luck, I know it ain’t easy. Keep your head up though, you can do it.
>I asked if her dad physically abused her or her mom, she was really taken aback by this. She got a little upset at me and said he would never lay a hand on his family. She asked why I’d even ask, and I said her family was so reluctant to stand up to him even going as far as asking me to promise not to that I thought they might be afraid he’d react physically. She said that’s just how he is, but he’s gotten worse the last few years. He thinks his family shouldn’t question or criticize him, especially not in his own home.
Are they financially reliant on him, or…his will? That’s also sometimes a factor here, as well as the “respect your elders, even if they’re terrible” stuff that was probably drilled into the kids.
>Do I think I’m better than blue collar workers? No. Do I think I’m better than qanon idiots uncritically repeating whatever’s been pumped into their brain? Yes.
You’re not wrong. Well done for exercising the level of restraint that you did. Your girlfriend should think herself lucky that she’s got a partner who loves her enough to put up with her fuckhead of a father. I wouldn’t even endure this level of fuckery from my own parents, nevermind someone else’s.
In your first op you sounded a little pompous but in this one you sound arrogant, judgy and very pompous. Your OP reeks of I’m better than you ness and my family is better than your family. You learned a few things about this man … But let’s be real you didn’t learn anything about this man. You refused to converse with him. You put him in a box and you labeled him with every label possible. It’s just easier to make a person outside of your bubble into a they not a person.
I didn’t and still don’t see eye to eye on various things with my in-laws but I know who they are and I can converse with them. It’s just lazy to box people. You need to dust the chips off your shoulder and put in some real effort.
If I’m being extremely honest, your girlfriend sounds like an absolute doormat and I can’t imagine this relationship continuing when she continues to be this weak in the face of her dad and not even attempting to stand up for you.
I do commend you for having strong boundaries and a spine though.
You can get through this, but it may be quite a struggle during several years.
Your GF takes her family and her dad’s side, and defends him, perhaps subconsciously. While her dad may never have been physically abusive, he absolutely may have been psychology abusive and controlling during her childhood. The patterns that one follows might be hard to see and understand.
She doesn’t seem to understand or accept this fact yet. And you “calling out” her dad as abusive immediately made her defensive.
I recommend you to read about narcissistic family dynamics and such, very interesting and eye-opening about “invisible” abuse. You might read that taking a stand/going no contact and such might be seen as an act of war for the narcissist. It is however good to set clear and healthy boundaries in the future.
Physical abuse is not the only form of abuse. Your partner and her family have been institutionalised in coercive control. They are afraid to trigger the father’s anger because of how he reacts – his tantrums, demeaning and controlling behaviour have been worse than the effects of just ignoring his rants.
If you wish to remain with her, I recommend you get a better understanding of what it is like to be raised in a home like that, where you walk on eggshells every day, where you are afraid of setting off the monster at the dining table.
Honestly, if you’d left me in that position as your partner, I’d never be able to look at you or respect you again. You’d better work hard to treat her with the respect and kindness she deserves. The last thing your partner needs is another man who expects her to think and behave on the way he commands.
I guess I’m old. If a relationship comes with a toxic family and the person you are with is ok with continuing to interact with them- reluctant to reduce interactions, then why date or marry them? They have learned to tolerate/accept bad boundaries and bad behavior as normal. It’s always going to be a battle. Why do it?
Why on earth is she expecting him to change when no one is challenging his nonsense? Co-signing bigotry with silence is not how you turn people around, they just get worse.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend handled things as well as you could have and had a very healthy and productive conversation.
I want to add that not all abuse is physical and standing up to a parent is really hard as you have a lifetime of conditioning that you can’t just will away. One reason a lot of offspring go no contact is they know if they let their parent in even a little bit, they’ll completely take over their lives and the parent will become the dominant force in their lives again.
My dad never raised his voice or got violent, but he had a way of making a fuss if he didn’t get his way that it was often easier just to say yes. It starts with small things like can you hold the flashlight while I do stuff to the car and gradually escalates to much bigger things and you’re just very conditioned to say yes. It’s easier to recognize things today because of social media, people actually talking about healthy relationship dynamics, being able to find other people who went through the same thing without leaving your house, stuff like that.
If she struggles to stand up to her dad, I’d cut her some slack there. 26 years of operant conditioning doesn’t just go away. Down the road she may be ready to cut him off and all you can do is support her choices as she works her way there.
Marrying her is fine but trust me no kids unless she stands up or go no contact
I think this is a pretty good update, all things considered.
My dad isn’t as bad as your gf’s dad, but he can be difficult. And I recognize your gf’s family dynamic in my own. But I’m 10 years ahead of her…I’ve been in therapy, plus I’m just getting less tolerant of bs as I get older. I’m at the point where I limit contact with my dad as much as possible. She clearly isn’t ready for that right now, but I would just give it time. She’s had a whole lifetime of navigating around the feelings of a toxic parent, and she has to unlearn that!
You may want to suggest she sees a therapist who can give her strategies to deal with her dysfunctional family dynamic. In the meantime I think your personal boundaries surrounding her dad are great, and you should stick to them.
Both one like him will be near my kids without supervision or at all maybe. If she defends her dad to be around the kids, that’s a dealbreaker. She has to understand what he says and does is not okay regardless of his title. And if she can’t then my kids arent safe with her, period.
It sounds like you handled the situation really maturely. I’m sorry that your girlfriend didn’t.
Thank you for the clarification on the “blue collar church going” comment. Unfortunately nut jobs and rude assholes come from every walk of life, religious background, and educational background. Hopefully that isn’t considered to be a politically controversial statement. This goes beyond his politics, no one is entitled to be rude to a guest and blaming you for the entire state of public education is ridiculous. Even if his concerns were valid (and it sounds like they aren’t) picking on your daughter’s boyfriend because he’s a math teacher isn’t acceptable. My boyfriend grew up in a blue collar Christian home and his mom is bisexual, liberal, and extremely welcoming to any child who needs a place to go regardless of race or background. We don’t want to be lumped in with people like her dad.
Good job setting clear and distinct boundaries that you laid out in an unambiguous way for your GF, hope she can see that dad shouldn’t be coddled or deferred to just because he’s dad and husband – this isn’t 1926 and this sort of auth patriarchy should be dead or dying.
I think you are wasting your time with a woman that will not stand up for you ever to her family and her family isn’t going anywhere. I highly recommend you end this relationship.
Lmao that tldr after all that is crazy. I get it tho