Sorry in advance for long post.
Someone who I’ve thought of as a close friend for around 10 years is getting married. We’re in our early 30s and met in college. I’ve never been someone who has an easy time making friends, and especially back then, he was a bro when I needed one, and vice versa. It seems rare to keep mostly-daily communication with someone for this long. But, he didn’t invite me to his bachelor party.
There was a five-year stretch or so after graduation where his job and my apartment were in the same neighborhood, so he’d come over maybe once a week, maybe go out drinking or just hang out and play games, usually crashed on the couch. Honestly it was a really cool thing for a while. Since covid, I moved (very slightly) further away, and so did he in the other direction, so we don’t see each other as much, a few times a year maybe, but we still talk on the phone pretty often. Usually when he wants to brag about something, but I’ve always been fine just listen. I will say it’s not completely 100% one-sided, but it’s definitely that way a lot of the time.
Anyway – his bachelor party is this weekend, a bunch of people from college going. He had a sort of core friend group from back then that I was always tangential to, but I knew everyone in that group, in fact I was roommates with one of them. I always got the gist I wasn’t cool enough or something, or maybe one or two of them that I didn’t know as well, didn’t like me. But I always assumed they’d be the groomsmen when talking about this specific wedding, so that’s not the part I’m torn up about.
I just feel like if he actually wanted me there this weekend, I would have been there. You just find a way, you know? He called me this week to brag like he usually does, but this time about the incredible party that he’s going to have. And then slides in a, “oh, you know I really wanted you there, but you know how the parking is at those airbnb’s”. In the moment I kind of didn’t think about it because I’m not great at conflict, but the more time that’s passed, I’m kind of really pissed off? Maybe there’s some truth to that, but okay, so rent a bigger car or something. Like the guy has never been a good liar, I’m just hurt.
They were doing a lunch at the driving range prior to heading out for the weekend together, and he \*did\* think to ask me to that during a second call this week, but it wasn’t a real invite, it was a “hey what are you doing Friday around noon, if we don’t have enough people at the Topgolf bay I’ll let you know”. So I guess I was a stand-in for pre-weekend lunch, there’s that. I cancelled the morning of, because I thought it would be awkward on my part. I haven’t seen my old roommate in years since he moved across the country, I didn’t really want to be like “oh, I wasn’t invited….” when they started talking about this weekend. Maybe I should have done that to make it weird, but hearing about this party at all just seems kind of fucked up. He added me to the text thread where they’re talking about travel plans. It’s just really weird and feels like either he’s really oblivious to how it all comes across, or is deliberately trying to be shitty.
As an aside, I proposed to my girlfriend last week, and I got a one-word “Congrats!” text from him, and that was it. We talked three times this week, and he never brought it up at all, never asked anything. Might have taken the spotlight away from him I guess.
So, I think I already know the answer, but I guess this just isn’t actually a good friend? I’ve been hesitant to cut him loose before because I really, really don’t have that many bridges to burn. I was going to ask him to be one of my groomsman at my wedding, but that’s definitely not happening, and he’s probably not going to my bachelor party either, even if it means it will be sad and smaller now.
But what does that mean for our relationship moving forward? Swipe away his calls and ignore the memes he sends and whatnot I guess. I kind of want to confront him about this, but I don’t know that I should. I guess my fiance and I are still going to his wedding, so I’d hate to blow up at him and still go. But maybe cutting him off is symbolic, as part of the larger healing effort I’ve been trying to do this year. I’ve been extremely isolated since 2020 and “Just make new friends”, it turns out is really hard to do. But is absolute nothing, better than someone who is occasionally actually a friend to me, and mostly shitty the rest of the time?
\[TLDR\] Someone who I’ve thought of as a close friend for 10 years did not invite me to his bachelor party, and I’m not sure what my best move is now
16 comments
You need to talk to him. I know people are so hesitant to do anything confrontational but you gotta tell him this whole thing has really bummed you out. A good bro you should be able to talk to no matter what.
He’s not as close a friend as you thought and now he’s actually in the category of “someone I used to be tight with”. It happens.
Now you know you don’t have to stress about attending his wedding or inviting him to yours.
Focus on the people who really are in your life. Even if it’s just one or 2. It’s not a contest. Better 1 good friend than 10 half assed “friends”.
Cleary you aren’t as close as you think you are.
I don’t understand why he’d call you 3 times a week just to gab if he doesn’t consider you a good friend. That makes no sense unless he’s just addicted to talking on the phone?!
I’ll give him one “out” possibility….. Is the bachelor party being planned and hosted by this group, and basically whoever planned it just invited his own inner circle? If you have beef with someone core in that group, and they are a cohesive unit (like they’re all frat brothers or something) I can see this happening. Like if you were invited, you would be the only non-frat guy, plus it’s more awkward.
Now, your friend should have shot down that kind of planning and he’s a dumbass for how he handled it even if that’s what happened.
But sometimes people (esp people with a lot of friends) do have multiple parties, each hosted by a different friend group. Like work mates will throw one, college friends will have one, and there’ll be one with the family. I don’t have that many friends, but I’ve heard of it.
I would wait for an opportunity… the timing matters. And practice beforehand. And then appear casual but say …” yeah, that bachelor party of yours, my girlfriend/fiance asked me why I wasn’t going, and I said to her..I’m not sure myself, perhaps we are growing apart, or he has limited finances…. anyways, you know how girls are….”
Then see how he responds
I’m sorry dude. This shit happens. I know how it feels, t hurts. How you proceed s entirely up to you, because he will keep calling you and basically using you to the level of “friendship” he wants. Me personally, I would just be done at this point, and stop responding, make excuses to get off the phone when he calls until he stops calling altogether. But if you want to keep in touch with him you can entertain him.
I would have begged off he pity golf invite too. No point in going when you were a way way after thought. So thoughtless and hurtful, he should have just stuck with his lie about the parking at the Airbnb, or like, not bragged to you at all if he wasn’t going to invite you.
Other good advice in the comments, but I feel like a lot of the solutions people have to these situations are either “let it go completely” or “cut them off”. But you’re allowed to just pull back from a friendship and downgrade someone to friendly acquaintance.
The best move is to admit to yourself he’s not as good a friend to you as you have been to him, and that it’s time to dump him and move on.
This kinda happened to me with my best friend/bride 25 years ago. It really hurt my feelings and I totally get it. To the point that when she tried to connect to me some years later I couldn’t do it/still couldn’t talk about it. She wound up dying young of cancer, and in conversations since with mutual friends, there was just a lot happening with her that I didn’t know about. I think I may have “known too much” about her and made it difficult for her to pull off whatever she was fronting to her new friends. At least one thing I learned about her later that though she had always been a nice church girl? She had a pill addiction. If you can talk to him about it, talk to him. But trust that this is about him, not you, and that time may reveal what you don’t understand right now.
I would let it go for now. Go to his wedding, smile, congratulate him and be classy. Leave early. Afterward, if he calls you can choose to either ask him about the behavior or fade him out. Making friends when you are older may not be as easy but you can do it, maybe through a hobbie or work. By the way, you sound way cooler than your friend and his buddies.
Just cut him out of your life. If he gets a clue and apologizes, then thank him and still keep him out of your life.
You sound like good friends, but you don’t sound like one of his main core of friends, which is OK. I have good friends who have never met my core friends because they just wouldn’t mesh.
My experience is that bachelor’s parties are limited to groomsmen and maybe a few others a lot of the time. I understand you would like to go, but he’s the groom and has a lot going on other than letting you get what you want. To be honest I think you sound more resentful than you’ve got a right to be and not letting him be your groomsman based on that would be a mistake.
In my experience, a lot of bachelor/bachelorette parties are for the people in the wedding party. Not always the case, but it could explain why you didn’t get an invite.
I’d just be honest with him. If he’s really a good friend, you guys should be able to work it out. If he doesn’t value your friendship the way you thought, at least you’ll know for sure.
> lunch at the driving range prior to heading out for the weekend together, and he *did* think to ask me to that during a second call this week, but it wasn’t a real invite,
That was a real invite, you should’ve said yes and gone.
You’re not the main character in his bachelor party. There are people in life who you’ll like who will only be available in windows – so if you want to hang w them, you’ve got to fit into their life.
It’s not always reciprocal and easy to maintain friendships, sometimes it takes some effort and sacrifice. You’re choosing to be hurt, rather than take the opportunity to show up.
Say yes to that lunch and you’ll get invited to more activities. Say “no” and you’re off the list for more events.
Congrats on your engagement!
Not wrong!
I wouldn’t bring it up. I’d Show face at the wedding, then slowly distance yourself from him after. Idk why he can’t be up front about the whole situation, Y’all been friends for some time now.
He’s not your friend and didn’t want you there, move on and find better friends.