I have been with my boyfriend for about 7 years now. I am 24F and we have a 3 y/o together. On Thanksgiving I found a video on his phone of him having sex with my dildo. I was of course hurt, mostly because he had not told me he was interested in things like that. Actually, he told me multiple times he was NOT interested in things like that. Secondly, who was the video for? And thirdly, I find it unsanitary that he was using my dildo without telling me. I did bring it up because I was concerned. He told me he did it as a form of self punishment. Like a trauma tie from being molested by his father as a child? I kinda let it go, because I was just feeling uncomfortable about it mostly. Like we have been together so long and he had never brought that up or showed interest..

Fast forward to today, I open his email to find a comment on a Reddit he posted. I clicked on it because it said it was apart of a gay hookup community. After seeing the post of his ass and asking someone to come fuck it I was sick to my stomach. It isn’t like we have an open relationship. I was under the impression and understanding that we were monogamous. I did log in to his Reddit and read his messages to find out that he has been doing this for about a month now.

Im not sure if he’s hooked up with a man or a woman for that matter. But I am super upset… we’ve been together so long and have a family together that this feels out of left field to me. Part of me wants to end things and run but the other part doesn’t know what to do. I don’t have anyone in my life I feel comfortable talking about this with as it is super personal.

Before anyone goes crazy about boundaries, he has never cared if I use his phone and it was thanksgiving. I was sending pictures of our family to my phone. And I have his email in our iPad because we both use it. It has never been weird for me to casually go through his phone.

23 comments

  2. He’s obviously got some kinks and fetishes he’s not been willing to share with you but this is on another level. You’re most likely going to need to bail so he can figure out his thing on his own.

  4. Damn. That sucks, but you definitely should leave.

    Breakup pain heals over time, but the feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and insecurity are going to stay with you for as long as you stay with him. Not to mention the possibility of an STD.

  5. Wow, that’s a lot to process. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like your trust has been broken and you’re feeling a mix of emotions. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do, but it might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about what you discovered. Communication is key in any relationship, especially when trust has been compromised. Seek support from friends or family if you can, or even consider reaching out to a therapist who can help guide you through this difficult situation.

  6. Okay he could be Bisexual and recently discovered it? I mean I always say it’s better when it’s at least the same sex because I know can’t give my partner that experience. If it was another woman like me that would be more devastating to me at least.

    I would try to find out as much as possible if he met anyone and see if he had any other apps on his device. If you don’t wanna throw things away monitor the situation, tell him this is not okay with you and If it continues then you are going to have to exit the relationship. Good luck girl!

  7. Okay that’s disgusting he used your dildo. That was way out of line. I would get the ick immediately.

  12. Your BF is BI, and looking for men. You need to figure out what you want, an open relationship or not.

    Give him your dildo, that is now his. If he was abused, he needs therapy, not hookups.

  13. I wonder if you could post about this and get some advice on an LGBT+ community? There may be guys who are bi and gay who can chime in with their experiences and opinions.

  14. Most people would be devastated to learn about their partner sending intimate pictures to someone outside of your committed relationship.

    It doesn’t matter if it’s a guy or girl.

    Move on…….

    In a healthy relationship that shit doesn’t happen…

  17. He may be bi/pan, or gay, or traumatized, or some combination of the three. Unfortunately that’s for him to figure out and is no longer your problem. He stole your stuff without asking, lied to you, and broke very obvious boundaries of a monogamous relationship. 3 years may feel like a long time now, but it’s over. You can break up for any reason, but if this guy is soliciting hook ups, there’s a good chance he’s cheated too. Clearly he’s not able to be honest with you right now (which can be part of healing/figuring oneself out) so I don’t really know what can be done for this relationship. The foundations of trust are broken.

    With that in mind: mourn the loss of your dildo, that’s his now. Depending on the material it’s not safe to use anymore.

    Go get an sti test.

    Start chatting with a lawyer about breaking up a cohabitation and handling the family. You thankfully won’t have to go through a “divorce”, but there’s so much legal nonsense on what to do when two people live together that you should probably know before you start making moves.

    Sorry about this, op. Good luck.

  18. You haven’t spoken to the rest of your relationship and if great. Good or?

    another option for you guys is for you to bring some of the dildo thing to your sex life. He doubt he is gay. He might like the feeling of something in his ass. So help him and ask him and see if he opens up first. More than one Reddit way

  20. It doesn’t matter if he’s gay, bi, straight, pan, or whatever sexuality… what matters is he is actively cheating on you at least online, if not physically which, it sounds like he either has done or definitely was trying to do… i understand having a child makes the situation more upsetting since you two will not be the only ones effected by the outcome, however would you want your child to stay with some one who did this to them?

  21. You’re 24. You dodged a bullet. You are the luckiest lady alive. Now use that freedom to find someone who isn’t a liar and a cheater. Someone who cherishes YOU.

  22. He ain’t bi. He’s probably gay and in the closet. For some reason I keep hearing these things from women around me and I also have personal experience on this matter. I dont know what is happening but Im starting to believe that an incredibly high number of men are actually gay nowadays.
    You found out a video of him using your dildo , you found his posts in Reddit’s gay communities talking dirty with other men and you are still wondering??
    Women need to wake up and realise their power. You are not a tree, move the fuck out of this miserable relationship.
    Will you continue to live your life and wake up everyday knowing this stuff??
    Oh and another thing, girl get tested for STDs now.
    Gosh I hate these man. Because you know what?? He has every right to be gay but he don’t have the right to play with your time and feelings AND your poor innocent child.
    For your own mental sanity and your kid’s, dump his ass before it is too late, show bravery and do it.
    The universe brought these things to your eyes for some reason. You are protected. Choose yourself and leave.

  23. Get out, but he needs therapy. Mental health issues are real and if you care about him, tell him he needs to find a healthy center and seek help.

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