My boyfriend and I have been officially together for half a year now but we’ve been in a situationship for over a year. The reason it took so long for us to get together was for a misalignment in beliefs, but we’re on the same page now and our relationship has been incredible. He’s truly one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. He makes mistakes, so do I. We always make sure to resolve issues as soon as they arise. We have so much fun together and I know this is the man I’m going to marry. However, my boyfriend was raised in a really awful home situation. His mom left when he was an infant and he has never met her. His dad has a mental condition that deemed him unfit to raise him, so he doesn’t have a good connection with his dad. His aunt and uncle took him in and raised him in a hateful way. His inner confidence is lower than low and he consistently asks me why I love him. I’m patient with this, I can’t begin to understand what it’s like in his shoes, and I know working through it will take time. Years, even. But yesterday he broke it to me that he feels so inadequate that he’s considered breaking up with me before and letting me go find someone better. That terrified me, because I can see him doing that and not giving it another chance because of his insecurity. I asked if there was anything I could do to help him feel more adequate but he says the more I hype him up, the worse he feels, because he doesn’t believe it. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to lose this.
Side note: please don’t try to tell me he’s lying about his insecurity to get out of a relationship. I know him well, he’s never lied to me, I trust him, and I’ve seen what his home situation looked like. His aunt once screamed at him that he fucks everything up and then kicked him out for the day so she could have alone time. I’ve heard it all. He was so numb that day, I knew after that that those things were normal occurrences. He does still live at home, he was about to move out but was fired from a job and now is grasping at straws trying to get a job that pays enough to make rent.
How can I restore this and ensure I don’t lose him over his insecurity?
TL;DR: boyfriend is very insecure in himself from a bad home situation, and despite our healthy relationship, revealed to me that he’s considered “letting me go” so I can find someone better.
1 comment
Ok a few things
1. I need info, what was the misalignment on beliefs and why did you choose to leave that info out? (it’s important for context since it had to do with the foundation of your relationship. Who’s beliefs changed and how were they convinced to change? This could be more key than you realize.
2. It is not your job or responsibility to fix his insecurity issues, and if he came from a hateful home, those issues are wayyyyyy beyond your pay grade. He needs a professional. A therapist. Let me be clear in case you missed it, You cannot help him with this, no matter how much you want to or how hard you try, he has to help himself with self esteem issues. You may end up doing more damage than good on accident if you go digging through his past. He really needs help from an expert who knows how to properly diagnose and handle things.
3. Have you lived with him? If no then you absolutely need to do that for at least a year before you can say without a doubt that he is the man you want to marry. Sorry but you just don’t know someone enough to make that call until you have been able to see the way they live all of the time. Not to mention if he has trauma in his past he will probably do lots of changing and growing over the years. People like that tend to grow out of their partners. Please trust that when I say Dating for a year at your age just isn’ t enough to be sure if you want to be with someone forever. At one year you probably haven’t even covered half of your compatibility dealbreakers because your so young you are both still developing them.
4. Realize that your bf is in what sounds like an active verbally and emotionally abusive and neglectful situation. Do your research on how to be there for someone in a situation like his. You can call the national abuse hotline and ask questions to the operators about how to best support someone like him in his situation.
https://www.google.com/search?q=abuse+hotline&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#
Above is a link to the hotline phone number. If it doesn’t work you can just google it. They will give you great resources so you can learn.
You can never ensure you won’t lose someone because ultimately free will is a thing and they can choose to leave whenever they want for any reason they want. That’s a basic human right. Just try and be patient, be kind, and be there for him when he needs you as long as it is not becoming a detriment to you.
Edit: some grammar