[https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/17wp100/my\_wife\_abandoned\_my\_girls\_when\_she\_thought\_there/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/17wp100/my_wife_abandoned_my_girls_when_she_thought_there/)
Good afternoon Everyone,
I wanted to thank everyone for all their comments and advice. I wanted to provide an update. Long story short, things are not going well. I feel like I am an airplane pilot, who is trying to land a plane while it is disintegrating around me, and that the time is now for me to bail out.
I am also realizing how much I have normalized these issues, and that my good days would be at best marginal days for other marriages, but more likely would be awful.
Since that post, I have really tried to do what I can to support her. I think I had been doing what I could to support her in the past. Anytime she wants to leave, she can. I do the lion’s share of the chores at home, that means laundry, cooking, groceries, and morning and bedtime routines for the boys, (who are school age). We do an informal system for dishes and with the girls for the baths. It’s close to 50/50 on that one. I also pay all the bills, and handle all of the extra curriculars.
One comment that people made was that she just gave brith 8 months ago, and that I should be more sympatheitic. I totally get that. But since she gave birth, she has done 4 10k races, a marathon relay, and goes to a run group and dinner afterwards twice a week. She has also gone to networking events for her business that she is working on.
Since that post we have had numerous issues. We have had more days with screaming matches than Here is a list of issues since the post.
* She woke up early on Saturday, but didnt wake me or my son up for his early practice. (I slept through my alarm.) Didnt do anything to help us get ready. Her only question when we came back was how late were we.
* The moment I came home, she went back to bed. I had all 4 kids by myself, which is fine. I took the kids to the store to run errands. As soon as I came back in, she got in a shower and left, and refused to take any kids despite their cries. She refused to tell us where she was going.
* Sunday, she refused to go to anyone’s hockey practice because she had to clean the house. While I am going to park at the rink, with my kids crying, she calls me because she had hired a person to clean out our garage, and wanted to know were we were going to move things. This was the first time I had heard of this. The woman did a good job of cleaning the garage, but she threw everything in the dumpster, including like unopened dress shirts.
* We had a thermonuclear fight on Monday. My eldest was screaming at me to get a second helping of dinner ready. I tried bluffing to send him to bed without the second helping. He goes straight to her, and she overrules me. Once they leave the room, I explain what I was doing, and she spiked her laptop on the bed, and jumps up and starts screaming at me. Proceeds to follow me out of the room and is screaming infront of all 4 kids that I am a whiney bitch and not a real man and that I am trying to starve her kids.
* Funnily enough, this was just before our marriage counseling session. I kept it, and while I was in the waiting room she continued screaming at me and attacking my character. When the sessions started she refused to join. She was puttering around and started blending something. I tried to be as objective as possible, and the counselor said that she was impressed with that. In the last 5 minutes I tried to just bring my laptop to her. When I did she collapesed into the room she was in like superman seeing kryptonite. She refused to do it.
* After that, I went to bed, and she woke me up and wanted me to set up our printer. (We changed routers and I hadn’t had the chance to set it up yet.) The lack of anger caught me off guard, and so I did it. She stood over my shoulder the whole time, silently, and refused to let me see anything.
We had a couple of other fights along the same lane. But yesterday, thanksgiving we had a decent day. Not that it was overly affectionate. We just didnt fight. She slept in until 12:50 in the afternoon, and was snippy because I didnt have everyone ready yet. She wanted the girls in the carseats. She then began a 90 minute shower and makeup routine, and helped with the kids for maybe 20 minutes. We ended up an hour late for Thanksgiving dinner. But for us, that was a good day. Yeah there was no affection or anything, and we didn’t speak in the car, but yeah, my mind forgot all the issues we had been having, and I wanted to make it work.
That night, I woke up an attended to one of the girls who is very sick. That is the one thing that she has done exclusively, is attend to the kids when they wake up. She has taken kids from me when I do get up before her. (She says that it is because I am working). One fight we had in September she screamed at me as being selfish for taking my daughter and sitting with her. I had said that I didnt mind and that I was up anyway. And that became somehow me keeping her up because I couldn’t sleep. The problem is that this has become a trump card in every argument. But, anyway I was with my daughter from 4:00 to 5:00, and she slept in.
This morning, I woke up at 9:00, the latest I have slept in that I can remember. I started making the kids breakfast and finishing the laundry. She was working on her laptop already. She snapped that I shouldn’t bother cleaning the house because she has hired someone. I tired very very hard, and refused to escalate, but told her that we cant really afford a cleaning lady, and that Ive got it. She proceeded to call me a little bitch and scream at me in my face infront of my kids. One of my boys ran and hid, and the other sat and read on the couch, but he was not happy. She blamed me for not having time to clean and not having money and that I couldn’t clean or do laundry to “her standards” and that she wasn’t a cleaner. It was about an hour of just constant abuse. So I spent today cleaning the house, doing laundry and taking care of all 4 kids. My sons did more cleaning than she has for a month.
What has really disturbed me is not the abuse towards me. I have normalized that and I am used to it. And honestly, if she kept it behind closed doors, I was prepared to wait out the next 17 years and leave once my kids were out of the house. But my eldest son is clearly mirroring her behaviors and internalizing the stress. It doesn’t help that she constantly wants me to ask him “who is his favorite,” “who yells more,” and “who is the better parent.” When I refuse to do that, I am “scared of what he might say,”
I guess Reddit, that I don’t know what to do. I am trying to fix this. I am keeping an appointment scheduled with a counselor. But beyond that, other than talking to a lawyer, I dont know what I should do. She honeslty doesn’t see any issues with how she treats me. Her refrain is that “I am a diamond, and if you leave me you’ll only be dating pebbles.” Besides the fact that I dont want a divorce, and she spent the last 6 years threatening a divorce, I dont know I can show anyone who is that out of touch with reality, or seemingly so closed off from recognizing that they have a role in causing and fixing the problems with the marriage.
36 comments
At some point you have to realize you are a single parent, right?
Hi! I’m your oldest child. I turned out with more depression and anxiety issues than I ever realized were normal. Took me over a decade to feel like a whole person. I had lots of problems with giving all of myself because I watched a parent do that and thought it was normal. Please save your kids and get out. Even if you don’t have them all the time, you can give them respite when they’re with you and some peace.
Fix what? You can’t heal a marriage alone. Your spouse has some serious SERIOUS mental health issues and seeing your son exhibit the same behaviors should make you want to eject QUICKLY! You can’t change her but you still have a chance to save your children!! Focus on saving them!!
OP, I will be honest, this was a tough read and I don’t believe you have clear perspective (how could you?) of how much you have normalized in your marriage and home life.
You are raising your children in an abusive home. If you can’t leave for yourself, you need to do it for them.
Finally, I would stop with marriage counseling, simply because your wife is not willing to engage. You need therapy for yourself. No one can handle all of this on their own.
One person can’t fix a relationship, both people involved need to be willing to not only put in the work, but take accountability for the mistakes they’ve made in the relationship. If only one person is willing to do those things then I’m sorry the relationship isn’t fixable. So one of you need to make the first step and get and attorney, and file the paperwork. Right now your kids are in a toxic family and that’s not fair or healthy for them.
Get a lawyer, get a parenting app- get out. Quit normalizing abuse
None of this is normal. You are NOT doing your children any favors by staying in this relationship. If it is legal where you live, get her behavior on video and show the judges how she acts. It is not good. Ask yourself if you would be ok with your children having SO’s who behave like that. If you stay, that is just what they will find. People who act like your wife or they will ACT like your wife and think it is OK to treat someone like that. Stop this while you can.
Another child raised in a similar situation here.
But my Dad *did leave* and I’m glad he did. I WAS SO GLAD MY DAD LEFT MY MOM
Yes, at first, I got stuck with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive mother at first. I don’t remember a lot of that time. I blocked it out, I guess. Then, when I turned 13, the courts let me pick who I wanted to live with.
I chose my Dad, obviously.
Edit to add. I am 34 now and I think things have changed. You might be able to get your kids from the get go with enough evidence.
Brother. Talk to a lawyer, and just end it. She is probably dating someone, hence why she doesn’t tell you where she is going. Two nights of dinner with the running group? Please. You deserve a whole lot better, as do your kids.
Jesus, OP. You’ve got some good advice here but I think you should also consider cameras.
I have a feeling your wife might be good at maintaining a great outward appearance. Get some cameras on the main areas.
I hate to say this, but I think if you can get some recordings of her behavior, your custody battle will go better.
Can you record her with audio? Find out the laws in your state. Save your text messages.
You’ve normalized her abuse. I think you see that now.
And I don’t think you can save anything. There’s nothing to save.
Wishing you all the best.
Unthinkable. I guess it’s that as the abuse gradually escalates over the years you just keep renormalizing it so you can’t really see how insane it has become.
I’m so sorry—this is heartbreaking.
You’re not doing your children any favors by staying. Your wife is modeling abuse for them, and by staying, you’re modeling acceptance of it. I know you want your children to act differently, that you’d never want any of them to allow themselves to be treated the way your wife treats you. Add to that the anxiety of growing up in a house or so much tension and unhappiness. It sounds terrible for them. And it’s also clearly terrible for you.
Sending love to all of you.
I don’t think that running automatically means she doesn’t have PPD. But I do think she needs psychiatric help, perhaps inpatient.
But you can’t make her get help, so unfortunately I think leaving is the only thing you can reasonably do.
Divorce. She doesn’t give a shit OP. She wouldn’t participate in therapy. Be done.
Diamonds suck
You could’ve shortened this post to, “Please validate my decision to stay in my mess of a marriage.”
Stop being her door mat and leave her.
Why are you still married to this woman? It’s doing your children much more harm than it is good.
This is abuse, that is All. Your children should not be exposed to this it will royally fuck them up. You need to leave and soon.
Almost 10 years ago, one of my brothers went through similar situation. He normalised the abuse for years and thought he can cope. They hv 5 kids. Once she started throwing knives and plates towards my brother in front of the kids, my brother asked for my help to take the kids away. I hv kids but I still took them in my 4 bedroom house. It was cramped but we made it worked.
Those kids really mirrored my ex sil behaviour. Screaming, shouting, physical fights, unruly etc. It took me years to rectify their behaviour, time and money. Im widowed and am lucky am financially well off. They never returned to their parents home to this day. 2 eldest have completed uni, working and moved out.
OP, please leave her. The damage to your kids will be lifelong if you dont remove them from the environment you live in now. And you, start living free of her toxic behaviour. Find happiness without her.
Updateme!
I am sorry that things haven’t improved.
It seems like she gave up on the marriage long ago with her constant threats of divorce. She abuses you believing that you won’t ever leave, no matter how poorly she treats you. Right now it’s like she has you trapped and she knows it and seems to feed off of the power that she believes she holds over you.
You are far stronger than she believes. You do have it in you to take the next step for the sake of your children and their future.
I understand your concern that you won’t see the kids as much if you leave but spending the rest of your life being treated like crap and in front of your children isn’t worth the trauma that she will continue to put you and the kids through.
I am glad that you recognize how unhealthy your relationship is but as others have said if your wife isn’t willing to put in any effort to improve and she clearly sees nothing wrong with her behaviour your relationship is already over.
You seem like a good person and you truly deserve better.
Holy shit man! Just whare you tolerating this from this pitiful excuse for a mother and wife? Why aren’t you recording these episodes. Hell I thought you only had the issue about abandoning the kids
Meet with a lawyer ASAP. He will advise you and get you into evidence gathering mode. Don’t even tell her anything until she is served with papers. Make sure you are there when she is served with the papers so that you can record her reaction as it very well maybe more great evidence against her.
Please don’t “stay for the kids”; if they watch you tolerate a shitshow of a relationship, you’re teaching them that this how they should behave in their relationships. It’s much better to separate and have two loving, independent parents.
As for the rest of this mess…. There doesn’t seem to be any consequence to her behaviour, so why would she ever change, when everything is on her terms and you’ll pick up the pieces?
You can’t force someone to change, but you can lead them in that direction. Start by setting boundaries and communicate these to her (e.g. I will no longer tolerate you shouting to me; if you do, I will do XYZ). If a boundary is crossed, you must do whatever you said you’d do. Every time.
She’ll quickly realise that you are no longer a doormat and that she won’t always get her way; this should force her into some kind of change. If nothing else, you’ll be teaching your kids how to handle unacceptable behaviour.
I wish you every luck, OP. You sound like a decent guy at the end of your tether, and I hope the advice you get here will help you and your family.
This is very sad to read. I’m sorry op. All the best.
> that I don’t know what to do
You know exactly what to do, you’re just scared to do it
It’s time.
Don’t stay with someone who is verbally abusive and makes you feel bad. The kids are witnessing this. This is what they are seeing as an example of what relationships look like.
You won’t be dating “pebbles” and she is not a diamond. She won’t show up for couples therapy, so the likelihood of things improving is very low.
You’re in an abusive relationship, model healthy behavior for your kids and get out
Shes a narcissist and constantly berates you. Why do you want to stay? Kids are better off not seeing that shit. Fk my guy just be a grownup and leave.
You need to get a divorce. Your kids are going to end up so screwed up from living in this dysfunctional home. I’ll put this in caps to make sure you see it. GROWING UP WITH DIVORCED PARENTS IS BETTER THAN GROWING UP IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL HOUSEHOLD.
You need to be recording these outbursts so you can use them against her in a custody hearing.
When you get full custody because you’re obviously the only one fit to parent, and she owes you child support every month, she will learn she isn’t a “diamond” at all and how hard the dating pool is for a single mom of 4 kids.
You are hurting your children by staying with this obviously unstable woman. DIVORCE HER.
OP, you will destroy your kids if you don’t leave.
And I can’t imagine she really wants to keep her kids. She may give them up pretty quickly.
Your kids need therapy because you staying with her is ruining their future. They are witnessing your abuse, you passively accepting it, and it’s actually abusive to your children to see it.
This study shows that children’s brains are permanently changed by witnessing abuse/trauma.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/open-gently/202106/childhood-trauma-shows-in-brain-scans#:~:text=There%20has%20been%20plenty%20of,Canada%2C%20presenting%20a%202021%20study.
>What has really disturbed me is not the abuse towards me. I have normalized that and I am used to it.
You have normalized your children witnessing you being abused. That is abusive to them. You have chosen to stay in this abusive dysfunctional relationship and mess up your own mental health, BUT your children didn’t make the same choice. Every day in this dysfunctional relationship is damaging their mental health.
>But my eldest son is clearly mirroring her behaviors and internalizing the stress. It doesn’t help that she constantly wants me to ask him “who is his favorite,” “who yells more,” and “who is the better parent.” When I refuse to do that, I am “scared of what he might say,”
You have clear evidence of her abusing the children emotionally, and still, you do nothing. You are a part of the problem. You need to do individual therapy.
You have kids. You don’t have the luxury of wanting to stick it out because you are helping her cause your children irreparable harm the longer you have them stay in this situation.
I’d take a literal lump of coal over whatever kind of diamond she is. At least you could use the coal to keep you warm with fire for a bit.
She’s got a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder if you ask me (I’m not professional but it’s what my professional therapists and psychiatrists think my ex husband had).
The key signs I’m seeing are:
Inability to admit anything is wrong with her
All the problems are YOUR fault; she plays the victim to the extreme
She warps reality in her mind to ma herself the perfect hero, wife, main character, person, etc
Everyone else is inferior to her (even people she doesn’t know)
She acts like she’s invulnerable
I mean, I saw some messed up narcissism first hand in my first marriage. Not many stories on here compare to the absolutely absurd amount of reality warping I experienced at that man’s hands. He was only so efficient because he roamed into physical abuse and death threats. Anyways, this is probably the first time where I’ve straight up been like…. Dang, you’ve had your life warped into something completely unrecognizable too. You probably barely know what reality is, what the world actually looks like, and where things truly stand.
As someone who escaped that, I promise you, you can recover from this. You can see the vivid colors and enjoy the warmth of bright sunlight again. You can learn to trust your senses and enjoy just existing; breathing in and out.
It’s past time for you to leave this. She won’t change. Even if she put her best foot forward to (which she won’t, narcissists rarely do) change and become better, I was told it takes people like this 5-10 years minimum before you start to see stable improvements. With how many years of practice she’s had at being a narcissist, it’ll probably take longer, I mean… with my limited understanding of psychology, I’d say it’ll definitely take longer.
You did everything right. You tried your best. You fought the good fight until you couldn’t anymore. You did your absolute best. You can’t force her to work with you though. Sometimes you have to give up on someone to save yourself… And your kids.
It’s time. Save yourself and your kids. Virtually everything she’s told you about herself and about you is a lie. You need to learn the truths about yourself and her for yourself, far away from her influence. It’s time to go
OP your wife has some serious issues that go beyond you fixing them on your own. She needs individual counseling. I also think there is a pretty high likelihood she is cheating on you as well. Her going places and refusing to take kids and refusing to say where she is going, her picking apart everything you’re doing despite the fact that her own effort is far less are two red flags in cheating situations. Her accusing you of “not being a real man” is another red flag. If I were you, I would start putting a stop to those instances. Meaning if she says she is leaving and wont tell you where she is going or have any kids go with her then tell her she either tells you where she is going or the whole family is going with her. Her only other option is to stay home. If she tries to leave anyway get in the car with her and refuse to get out. The same with some of the other behaviors. She has to learn that she is your equal partner, but she is not the boss of the relationship, and you are her spouse and those are her kids. She has a responsibility to each of you, just as you do to her. If she doesn’t want to own it then it may be time for her to have greatness thrust upon her. I know that sounds harsh and I know that is easier said than done but outside of that your other better option is to leave. It would hurt financially but right now you don’t have a functioning marriage and she is not even really a functioning parent and appears to not even be trying to be either. There isnt much room to go anywhere but up and I think it starts by showing her that you’re not going to let her lead and keep putting you in these situations that you’re going to assert yourself and start demanding better. one other recommendation is to turn on her phone sharing if you have access to her phone so you can see where her phone is at all times. Its a great safety feature but it also helps catch cheaters. Please update us again. !updateme
Get her on video abusing and yelling at you. You may need that evidence in future custody hearings. I wished I had evidence when I left my abusive ex.
What if your kids were in a relationship like this? What are you teaching them by staying? They are going to model this behavior and either wind up like your wife or wind up like you.
Document everything and take it to a lawyer and start the process of protecting your rights to the kids. It’ll be much better for you to start legally protecting your time with the kids NOW rather than be blindsided if she lawyers up first.