My best friend (21F) has been dating Will (21M) for 3 years & I think he is a total asshole but she just doesn’t see it.
The first time I hung out with her boyfriend & her (in a group of other friends) he consistently brought up how dumb my ex boyfriend was and that it’s crazy I even dated him in the first place (while this is true, I think it was super weird n rude to bring up in this setting).
Another time our group of friends went on vacation together. The group composed of myself, my bf, my friend & her bf Will & our 2 other friends (21F). Us girls hyped up the trip for so long & had plans to lay on the beach & party. While on the trip Will would announce at 7pm that he was going back to his room & my friend would follow immediately. One night we convince the two to stay out till 11pm (keep in mind I’m not much of a partier & I was up till 2am). My friend got sick from the food we ate & was puking so us girls went to grab water & take care of her but Will came up and said we were all overreacting and making our friend uncomfortable, it’s his job to take care of her & told us to leave her alone.
They kept to themselves most of the trip but the one day we all hung out as a group & I noticed that Will would interrupt all of the girls when they would talk, he kept doing it throughout the day & finally when I was speaking & he blatantly interrupted me as if I wasn’t even there, I called him out on it saying ‘really Will your gonna interrupt me again?’. It was out of character for me & kinda awkward but the day went on. The next day my friend ‘apologized’ for Wills interrupting and said ‘he can’t help it he has ADHD’. While I don’t doubt he has ADHD I just feel the interrupting comes from Will feeling a sense of superiority over us, as he’s always talking about how he owns a boat & has x amount of land.
This all wraps up when I invite my friend and Will to celebrate my birthday. It’s a group of 10 comprised of my female friends & my boyfriends male friends. I thought all went well until weeks later I realized I hadn’t heard from my friend in a while & she began declining to come out with the girls. Over the summer she would make an occasional appearance but would be focused in on her phone the whole time.
Finally I asked what was up & she admitted that at my birthday my boyfriends male friends ignored Will & made him unwelcomed. My boyfriend claims he saw people try to talk to Will but HE didn’t reciprocate. She also said that when I invite her over to my apartment my bf & his friends are always there & she just wants to hangout with the girls, but my boyfriend and I live together & we are kindly hosting. I told her that that was unfortunate but asked if Will would give the group a second chance as he had only met them once & explained that no one else offers to host except myself & my bf & I’m not going to ask him to leave his own home.
The birthday group is going on trip in 3 weeks & she will be my only friend not attending, none of her friends have seen her since September.
I think Will is behind it all & is being controlling and isn’t good for my friend. I just want her to be happy and I think her boyfriend is isolating her from her friends on purpose.
How do I tell her this in a way that she will hear? or do I even tell her? I don’t want to push her away even further by shit talking him. Is he an asshole?
TLDR: My best friends boyfriend is arrogant & is isolating her, how do I tell her that he is not good for her??
4 comments
She is deciding to do all these things, yes hes inconsiderate and a bit rude at times, but I really don’t see anything in what you wrote to support the idea that he is controlling or isolating her. I know it’s easier to build that narrative in your head because it only blames her BF and allows you to believe your friend would be around more if it wasn’t for him.
But consider that this is who she is when she’s in a relationship, she wants to be with her partner at all times and they take priority over all of her friendships. I’ve known plenty of people who – once they get a significant other – do not put any real attention or effort into their other relationships.
She chose to leave things early with him, she chose to basically disappear from the friend group after your birthday party instead of talking to you about it.
My suggestion is if you want to say anything, it should be specifically focused on HER change in behavior and how that has negatively affected your relationship with her. Her lack of effort, her lack of communication. Do not make it about how her boyfriend sucks.
From what you’ve said, I don’t really see any controlling/isolating behaviour on Will’s part. It seems as though the friend group (particularly you) doesn’t like him and he’s picked up on this and he doesn’t want to hang out with you, which I think is fair enough.
It seems to me as though your friend is one of those people who likes to go places with her boyfriend rather than solo and since he doesn’t want to go, she doesn’t. But I don’t class this as isolating behaviour because she has a choice. The issue is more with your friend than with Will (from what I see).
My advice is to do nothing. You can’t tell your friend that you think her boyfriend is an arsehole. She loves him and if it comes down to it, she’ll choose him. Just keep inviting them to your get togethers and see how it plays out. I agree that Will sounds kind of annoying but she’s chosen to be with him so if you want to be friends with her, you’re going to have to suck it up and tolerate him.
Reach out to your friend. Talk to her privately – not to address her relationship but just make it known to her that you miss her company and that you want to keep in touch.
It does sound like Will may be isolating her on purpose. If you knew her to be a people pleaser, that makes it more likely. Ignore the other commenter here who wants to place all the blame on your friend. You have reason to be concerned and even if your concern is misplaced and your friend is fine with all this happening, it’s better to err on the side of caution. We have better radars for suspicious situations than we think and if your gut tells you something is wrong here then I would trust it until proven otherwise.
Keep in touch with your friend. Don’t tell her her boyfriend sucks. If he is a manipulator and he finds out, he will use it to victimize himself further and make her believe her friends hate him, as he is apparently already doing. Don’t talk about him at all unless she brings it up, but stay in touch.
Your friend is being abused. Caraid90 gave you great advice.