I (F24) ended up in a situationship with a guy (M21) I never wanted in the first place. Where should I go from here?

I should preface this by saying that I was a female virgin at 24 years old, and felt like it was a huge burden that was weighing on me. I felt like using dating apps was difficult especially since everyone was pretty much a non-virgin at my age. So I wanted to just lose my virginity to a ONS and then finally be able to move on with my life.

I matched with this guy on Bumble who I honestly didn’t find attractive at all. I intentionally matched with him just because I knew I would not develop feelings for him and it wouldn’t be an issue for me to end things right away. He comes over, and we end up having sex and I lose my virginity to him. He is persistent about wanting to see me again, and he continues to text me non-stop and asks to see me again. I thought, sure I wouldn’t mind having sex again just to be more experienced.

I confess to him the second time that I was a virgin and he is shocked. We end up having sex and then he leaves and I apologize to him for dropping the bomb on him like that and he says that it’s totally fine. We continue to see each other throughout the summer, and he started to take me out on dates and do romantic things. He basically treated me like his girlfriend and began talking about our future together as well (saying things like how he wants children with me or wants to live together). I thought to myself, this guy must be catching feelings for me, and so I started to catch feelings for him too.

Around 3 months in, I confessed to him that I wasn’t sure where this relationship was going and I started to develop feelings, and he told me that he wanted to keep it casual for now, to which I agreed, despite being hurt.

I leave the country for a month and come back, and we immediately hang out again. We start seeing eachother frequently and text eachother more. This is also around the time that we started doing unprotected sex because he asked if we could since we both didn’t have other partners. This was also around the time where we started exploring our kinks and fetishes, and he tried CNC on me without giving me a safe word and I felt extremely uncomfortable and he was frustrated about it too. A few days after that event, I went over to his place and asked if he was mad at me and he said he wasn’t and he was struggling with depression. He asked me how I was feeling about him, but I gave him a bullshit answer to switch the subject because I didn’t want to be vulnerable around him again by confessing my feelings. He tells me how lucky he is to have me and how much he cares about me.

Then there was two weeks of us being sick, but during those two weeks, he was still texting me and he sent me an updated STD test that I requested from him, and then another two weeks of just radio silence between us. I purposely didn’t reach out because I thought he was really busy. I reached out again after the two weeks passed and said that we should hang out again because I missed him, and he said that he missed me too. We went on 4 dates, and he was texting me constantly and even saying things like how he wanted to meet my family, but all of them didn’t end in sex (which is really unusual for us). Then two nights ago, we are fooling around and I can notice that he refuses to do penetrative sex with me. We only do oral sex. I ask him about it and he tells me that it’s because he ran out of condoms and is worried about STDs (I also saw condoms in his drawer). We’ve had unprotected sex before and he has finished inside me. Also we basically did every sex act except penetration. He practically begged me to have unprotected sex the last time, so the sudden shift from that to now not wanting to have unprotected sex made me feel extremely unwanted. I told him upfront the next day through text about how I felt and how it felt more like an excuse, since i’m on birth control and i have no other partners. Through our conversation, I told him three times that if he doesn’t want to have sex anymore, then to tell me, and all those three times, he said he wants to. He just kept apologizing and saying a whole lot of nothing to me. I asked him if he had sex with anyone else and he said he had sex with another person a couple of weeks ago after the STD test he gave me (which was the time of the radio silence).

I’m in this situation where I still have feelings for him, and I can tell that he doesn’t care about me anymore despite him saying that he does. Now he doesn’t even have penetrative sex with me, so I’m not even sure what the point of our relationship is. I never wanted this relationship to even happen. I simply wanted to just lose my virginity to him and leave him and move on with my life. I never wanted to end up in this situationship, and have to deal with this emotional turmoil. I have been crying for the past two days and have talked to as many people as I can, but nothing has been helping. I can’t stop thinking about him, and I feel betrayed because if he told me that he slept with someone else, I never would’ve fooled around with him and do oral sex. He put my health at risk, yet he’s concerned about STDs?

I’m really sad and frustrated right now and I’m not sure what to do at this point. A part of me wants to confess to him how I still have feelings, but another part of me just wants leave it as is.